Bread for the Journey

Fasting Girls

2010-06-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

There are certain things that make me feel alive. I have gotten a sense of that after a huge freak out over moving to California. The panic set in after meeting with my therapist, who is like the best therapist EVER-- and that's speaking as someone who chronically discards therapists, even specialists, for not helping me. I was like, WHAT AM I DOING!!??!! And thus started the panic. I am a creature of habit, so regardless of my less than ideal living situation right now, I would rather stay and be comfortable than move and be put in new situations. Right now, I am healthy and doing very well-- I have the best dietician and therapist I could ever ask for. And at least I KNOW people here! So it makes me wonder WHY I am moving across the country where nothing is guaranteed. I am not guaranteed friends, or a good therapist. It is not guaranteed that I will like Fuller, that I will finish my program, etc. I guess technically God doesn't guarantee us anything past today, but going to California just seems riskier.

I went through my other options in life-- what could I do besides grad school? Well, I could try to get into law school... except I've never had an interest in law. I could try to teach K-12... but I don't know if K-12 is the best age range for me. I could just try to get a job somewhere in the field of psychology... except I can't do anything with a bachelor's! I do NOT want to work as a pastor or youth pastor.

That pretty much leaves me with going back to school for psychology or theology... which is what I started with. I think what has freaked me out the most is that Fuller will be a typical secular psychology program-- with the emphasis on empirical data and research, when I am more interested in integration. I went through Fuller's clinical faculty, one by one, and was relieved to find most of them doing some type of integration research. Most of them have theology and psychology degrees. And they have integration opportunities abroad, which I'm really interested in.

If there is a school that is great at integration, it is Fuller (and Rosemead, which I regret I didn't apply to....). I thought anew of what I am really interested in-- what would I like to write my dissertation about?

I am most interested in theology and psychology as they relate to one another-- how Christians view psychology, how sermons use semi-psychology, mental illness in the history of the church, etc. I am re-reading a book that energizes me-- it is EXACTLY what I want to study. The book is called Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa. It describes medieval "anorexic" saints, although this book is much better than Rudolph Bell's reductionist novel on the same subject, Holy Anorexia. I am very interested in this topic.

I am also interested in narratives of mental illness, and Fasting Girls describes several narratives about anorexia that were written in the 1980's. These books have a lot in common-

"In the typical anorexia story, psychiatrists and psychologists are portrayed as benign and compassionate figures whose only offense is that they ask a lot of questions... They emphasize family tensions and the adolescent girl's confused desire for autonomy and control, but they do not advance any particular interpretation of the cause or etiology of the disease. The plot almost always involves an attractive (usually 5 feet 5 inches), intelligent high school girl from a successful dual-career family. The mother is apt to be a fashion designer, artist, actress, or writer; the father is a professional or self-made man...

"Naturally enough, the protagonist becomes interested in reducing her weight. Like virtually all American girls, she wishes to be slim because in American society slim is definitely a good thing for a female to be... In each of the anorexia stories, for a number of different reasons all of which have to do with the difficulties of adolescence, ordinary dieting becomes transformed into a pattern of bizarre food and eating behavior that dominates the life of the central character...

"In all of the fiction, girlhood anorexia curtails friendships and makes both parents extraordinarily tense, unhappy, and solicitous. Because the main characters are depicted as still in high school and living at home, mothers are central to the story. The fictive anorectic both dislikes and loves her mother and feels perpetually guilty about hurting and deceiving her...

"Even thought all of the novels move the story to the critical point of therapeutic intervention, few provide any valid information about the physical and emotional discomfort that lies ahead... With only one exception, none of the fictional anorectics die."

I read that and realized the truth of it-- most anorexia stories do involve most, if not all, of those elements. If I want to write a story on eating disorders, I don't want it to be formulaic. I want it to be REAL. I think Marya Hornbacher has done it best with Wasted.

I think narratives of mental illness are imperative for people to understand what it's really like. I want to write something that makes people think and feel deeply-- to see eating disorders in a light they've never seen before. I want them to be uncomfortable. And to get my audience to feel that way, I can't use the same old plot lines.

I know basically what I want to do, but I just don't know what the best program will be to do it. If it means that down the road, I end up switching to Fuller's School of Theology, I will be okay with that. I trust, however, that Fuller will be a great place for me to start.

Thoughts from Infidel

2010-05-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about the book I just finished, Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. It is a tremendous book-- a captivating story of an African woman raised in Islamic culture. Ali was subjected to physical abuse, bigotry, and sexism. To escape from an arranged marriage, she sought asylum in Holland. She ended up receiving her master's degree in political science, was part of Dutch parliament, and now resides in the United States.

She believes in democracy and western values-- but she grew up as far from that as possible. Ali grew up believing that Jews and Americans were pure evil. She was severely beaten and attended Islamic schools. She was excised (female genital mutilation). Ali had a completely NON western worldview, although she questioned a lot.

You don't often hear from Somalian women writers, probably because most women there are in poverty and severely limited from doing any work-- Ali's mom wouldn't even go to the grocery store by herself! Writing would be totally out of the question.

What Ali has done is different than almost every other woman from her culture. Ali stopped wearing a headscarf. She adopted western ideas. She studied at a university. She cut ties with her "clan" in Somalia. She rejected Islam. Ali knows she is in a rare, rare, rare minority of women to escape her culture with minimal physical and emotional scarring-- a rare minority of Muslim women to SPEAK OUT against the sexism of her upbringing.

She writes this in the book:

"It is always difficult to make the transition to a modern world. I moved from the world of faith to the world of reason - from the world of excision and forced marriage to the world of sexual emancipation. Having made that journey, I know that one of those worlds is simply better than the other. Not because of its flashy gadgets, but fundamentally, because of its values.
The message of this book, if it must have a message, is that we in the West would be wrong to prolong the pain of that transition unnecessarily, by elevating cultures full of bigotry and hatred toward women to the stature of respectable alternative ways of life."

It is interesting that in lieu of our postmodern equality obsession, Ali speaks out that all cultures are NOT equal. Here are a few more of her quotes on Islam:

"Many well-meaning Dutch people have told me in all earnestness that nothing in Islamic culture incites abuse of women, that this is just a terrible misunderstanding. Men all over the world beat their women, I am constantly informed. In reality, these Westerners are the ones who misunderstand Islam. The Quaran mandates these punishments. It gives a legitimate basis for abuse, so that the perpetrators feel no shame and are not hounded by their conscience of their community. I wanted my art exhibit to make it difficult for people to look away from this problem. I wanted secular, non-Muslim people to stop kidding themselves that "Islam is peace and tolerance."

"...Bin Laden's quotes from the Quaran resonated in my brain: "When you meet the unbelievers, strike them in the neck." "If you do not go out and fight, God will punish you severely and put others in your place." "Wherever you find the polytheists, kill them, seize them, besiege them, ambush them." "You who believe, do not take the Jews and Christians as friends; they are allies only to each other. Anyone who takes them as an ally becomes one of them."

Ali is an amazing spokesperson, someone who comes from Islam and seeks equality for women. She ultimately concluded that Islam is NOT a religion of peace and that the religion justifies war against unbelievers, sexism, and racism.

It got me thinking about Malcolm Gladwell's book, The Outliers. He looks at what factors promote success in some people... what those factors are that contribute to those "outliers" in society. Most of what he found was dumb luck! For example, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and other computer mongols were all born in a few particular years. If they had been born earlier or later, they would not have had such success... Gladwell outlines countless examples like this.

Success is ability... and also a lot of luck. Ali's story reminded me of Gladwell's analysis. If Ali had been born much earlier, she would not have been able to escape from her culture, let alone study at a university or join parliament! She was born at the right place in the right time in the right circumstances.

Her disposition also has to do with it. Of her three siblings, Ali was the only one who was resilient to incessant physical abuse, including genital mutilation. While Ali's sister went crazy and died in her late teens, Ali sought answers by studying political science.

Ali is a rare gem of an author. She is aware that few Muslim women escape from their situations, and her main political cause is to bring light to Islamic subjugation of women.

Sexism in Religion

2010-05-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

For a while, I was on a crusade of sorts for gender equality in evangelicalism. Mostly that was because of a previous relationship and his views of women in the church. During my first year at Calvin, I was definitely on my crusade. I think I had doubts as to my own ministry calling and projected that doubt onto the issue of women in the church.

Last summer, I interned at Heartland, a church that believed in the equality of women. I also realized that women in ministry is not the only issue that faces a church. The most important thing is passion about spreading the Kingdom of God. Jesus is #1, and gender roles are peripheral. Sadly, most churches that promote gender egalitarianism (ex. women in pastorate positions) are dying denominations.

The two "hotpoint" issues in the church are homosexuality and women. These are trivial in comparison to the massive entity of the church, but they serve as a litmus test. More "liberal" churches, churches that are not "Bible believing," ordain women and accept homosexuality. "Bible-believing" churches support traditional gender roles and see homosexuality as a sin.

I decided that I would NOT support a dying, lukewarm denomination solely because of its stance on women in the church. I would much rather go to a church that is passionate, that is ALIVE, that perhaps believes in traditional gender roles, because that comes first. I could disagree on the issue of gender roles and still fit in at an evangelical church.

So I made a decision that summer at Heartland, that when I returned to Calvin, I would seek the most passionate church. That church would probably advocate traditional gender roles (it did: I ended up at Ada Bible, which has no women as elders or pastors). I took a step back from gender roles in the church. I still believe in gender equality, but this is not the sword I will die on.

I no longer harbor hostility toward pastors that believe in traditional gender roles. In fact, I listen to Mark Driscoll's podcasts every week, even though he is very vocal on his traditional stance of women.

This week, I attended a Kensington service that surprised me. It was a Bible study of 1 Timothy, and the lesson was 1 Timothy 2, which has the dreaded passage that I will not even quote here because it is so disputed. It basically says that women should submit and be quiet.

The Kensington pastor actually discussed his (and Kensington's) view that this passage was contextual. Therefore, he didn't think it applies to all situations and cultures (others might argue that this passage is universal- it applies to all women at all times). He said that it was a 1-time statement Paul wrote to Timothy, and that it applied only to Ephesus in the 1st century.

Honestly, I was taken aback by his commentary. I was positive that Kensington believed in traditional gender roles, that women and men were equal but had "different roles" (and these roles just happened to mean that women submitted to men- but they were "equal" of course....). I was pleased that a Bible-believing, evangelical church believed in gender equality! Score!

In advocating a complementarian position, some Christians walk a fine line between obeying the Bible and indulging sexism. I don't get the idea that most evangelicals are sexist, but it is something to be aware of.

The reason I've been thinking more about gender and religion lately is because of my new favorite book, Infidel, by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. She describes Muslim treatment of women, and some of her Islamic superiors told her things dangerously similar to what I've heard Christians say. They would say that women and men were "equal," but men just had to rule over women.

Muslim treatment of women is disturbing. Ali describes the physical abuse in many Islamic households, the subordination of women. In Islam, it is a woman's fault that men are seduced. Women are expected to cover themselves head to toe so men could not see a bit of their bodies. If a woman is raped, it is her fault.

When Ali first came to Holland as a refugee, she was afraid that if she wasn't fully robed with a headscarf, men would go crazy and not be able to work because they'd be so sexually aroused. She started not wearing completely covering clothes and was startled that, contrary to what her Islamic teachers had told her, society didn't erupt into chaos when a female showed (gasp) her head!

I could go on and on, but her portrayal of Muslim treatment of women was disturbing. It is so sad that beautiful, capable women are getting bound and chained by man-made regulations. They think they're following God, while God is in reality horrified at such sexist attempts to diminish His beautiful daughters' potential.

It sickens me that sexism can be done in the name of God, whether it's Islam or Christianity.

A Purposeless Life

2010-05-11T19:54:00.001-07:00

I just watched the movie Love Story for the first time, but instead of feeling sentimental or whatever, I felt sad. Not sad that the girl died of leukemia at the end (although that was sad). I was actually sad at the purposelessness of these lovers' lives.

Jennifer and Oliver were consumed with each other-- they refused to have a priest officiate their marriage because they weren't "into that stuff." They lived for one another, for pleasure, for fun. Their lives seemed empty. Oliver got a great job, Jennifer liked music, all trivial things, but their lives were bereft of depth.

When Jennifer got cancer and died, she had no hope to guide her through. She relied on a fallible human being, her husband, to be her god. After she died, Oliver was alone, and the movie ended.

40 years have passed since that movie was made. The outfits, the acting, the special effects, all of it is helplessly out of date, as should be expected. 40 years passed since Jennifer's character died.

I immediately go to this: what was it all for? So two lovers met and loved and one died prematurely? Is love between two humans an end in itself? Is it purposeful enough to sustain life? Are human relationships themselves the purpose of life?

I think there is so much more. Jennifer and Oliver had a good relationship, but their love bond is not enough to justify a life lived. It's not enough to justify her sudden passing.

Carnal love, honoring the god of the body and stomach, is empty. It points to another purpose. I left that movie hungering for what the movie left out... God.

It is a somber thought that our lives are purposeless, that we are alone in the universe. As far as I remember, I've believed in God, if for no other reason than it is the only thing that makes sense. As C.S. Lewis once said, "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

Music, writing, love, art, Christmas snow, etc. are beautiful-- but not in and of themselves. They are breathtaking and almost existential. They point to something else, something greater, something Great.

Atheism is a hopeless belief system. In it, there is nothing more, nothing redemptive, nothing beautiful for a greater purpose. Love between two people is beautiful-- but only because it mimics God's love.

There is something so much greater to life, and this movie suffocated my soul from air. An existence without God is suffocating. God has placed a donut-shaped hole in our hearts, a God-sized hole. That God-shaped hole aches when we see a beautiful sunset or love someone else.

God spoke the world into creation, and He has plans for each one of us. He loves us individually, and our lives have a purpose. God knows the number of hairs on our heads. He thinks of us more than sand on a seashore. He has redeemed us, we are His. God loves us with an everlasting love. Someday, the randomness of this life will all make sense.

When I think of those realities, I breathe a sigh of relief-- somehow the universe makes sense that way. We're not just atomic particles who by some slim probability ended up alive and in a particular place and time. We are created by a perfect God, and we are not cosmic mistakes.

I feel sorry for the characters in the movie who worshipped their carnal desires and lived godless lives, only to end in seemingly meaningless tragedy. There is so much more to life.

Reactions to a Bible Teacher's Claims

2010-05-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to a Bible study and heard some bold and audacious claims. This person stated that if you believed in the Word of God, there should be no question about who you voted for in the last election (answer: McCain). After all, God clearly hates homosexuality and abortion. Later on in the Bible study, the leader said that Harry Potter and The Shack were against God and she would not condone them.

I was astounded. At first it was like, "Wait, did you just say that? Seriously?" I have never seriously heard someone making such a claim. My church in Ann Arbor was very biblical but also in Ann Arbor, so it was obviously politically to the left. I am also used to "seeker sensitive" churches, churches that don't try to offend people because if an unbeliever is at a church service in which the pastor says all people who vote Democratic are against God, that unbeliever would leave, never to come back. In our postmodern culture, any judgment at all is viewed upon with suspicion. In addition, I've mostly gone to churches that are apolitical. Rob Bell is enthusiastically against partisan politics.

So these statements really took me by surprise. She also rationalized her statements by using God and the Bible. It was not her opinion but GOD's that the Shack and Democrats and Harry Potter were satanic.

I will address her concerns systematically by category:
1. Politics
2. Books- Harry Potter, The Shack

1. Politics

This person asserted that we should vote based on two issues, homosexuality and abortion, both of which God hates. I will not disagree with her there. I believe God hates abortion as He hates murder of all kind. But how much legislation actually deals with same sex unions and abortion? Not much has changed in abortion since Roe v. Wade. Homosexuality is a growing social issue, but the amount of legislation on homosexuality versus health care and military involvement is minimal.

To say that God cares about homosexuality and abortion EXCLUSIVELY is absurd. So screw soldiers and civilians being killed in Iraq because being born is the most important thing? And what about poverty? Lack of health care? Things that are killing people every day?

I don't know how many times I have to say this, but the Bible mentions poverty over a thousand times, and abortion is never even addressed. Homosexuality is addressed like under 10 times, and only a few times does it apply to us today.

There are a lot of important issues in politics today, things that ACTUALLY impact us. Health care. Military involvement. Immigration. Homosexuality? Abortion? Not so much. Homosexuality and abortion are plucked out of context and obsessed about by "conservative Christian" groups to make a statement.

Let's just be consistent about what it means to be pro-life. I think Jesus was pro-life... He loved babies... but also poor refugees abroad, dying AIDS children, civilians whose limbs have been blown off. Jesus is not only American. He did not sign the Constitution. He would not be shouting "God hates fags" in public areas. He would not be protesting abortion clinics. What good does that do anyway?

There are many issues to take a stand about, so let's take a stand for the things that MATTER. God is always in favor of the oppressed, the orphan and widow. Leave the poor homosexuals and abortion clinics alone and start fighting for things that matter. Let's tackle issues that are affecting terrorism and abortion-- poverty. Start showing the homosexuals some love, whether you agree with them or not.

To obsess about two minute issues in the eyes of God, what a waste of time. And to vote for someone on those principles? How ignorant and ridiculous! And worse yet, to say that every "true" Christian should see things the same way?

2. Harry Potter and The Shack

The leader of this Bible study also said that Harry Potter and The Shack were "against the Word of God" and said that Christians shouldn't be reading them. She said that the Shack had "over 14 errors in it."

I wonder how many other books this person would condemn. Because, well, good Christian books are hard to come by. There are nice Christian book stores, and don't get me wrong, I read my fair amount of Christian books, but not all good books are Christian. Why? Most authors aren't Christian!

If you look at the classics, maybe some authors are culturally Christian, but the bulk have worldviews that could hardly be classified in such a way. This person said that J.K. Rowling was an "atheist" as evidence that we shouldn't read Harry Potter. First of all, I don't exactly buy that Rowling is an atheist, but let's say she is.

Does that mean we're not allowed to read books by atheists? What about Jews? Agnostics? Muslims? Merely "lukewarm" Christians? We're getting into legalism now: only "true" Christian authors can be digested by Christian readers. All other reading material might incense blooming Christian minds.

My alma mater, Calvin College, was always against such bans because "all truth is God's truth." If Harry Potter is well-written and has goodness about it, well then, is that goodness not part of God's goodness, who is the Creator of all good?

To ban such a book is to close the mind to beauty, adventure, and possibly a deeper admiration for God. It is saying that God cannot redeem "garbage" not written under the inspiration of His Holy Spirit.

As for The Shack and its supposed "14 errors," I guarantee there are more than 14 errors in everything ever written, Christian or not! I loved The Shack. I loved the interesting description of the Trinity. I think people reading this book are getting introduced to the Trinity who have never experienced this concept before.

Do I think The Shack is perfect? By no means! I don't believe it's orthodox Christian! There are some (grave) theological errors. But it doesn't matter. You take what's good and discard the rest. It doesn't pollute the whole book.

If this attitude is left unchecked, Christians will be in a little bubble with only other Christians, reading Christian books, going to Christian school, living in Christian areas, and speaking Christian-ese. What a sad existence this is! God created the whole world for us. Sometimes that means stepping on (gasp) NON CHRISTIAN terrain! Reading Harry Potter, for crying out loud! Exploring the Trinity through The Shack. And maybe even helping homeless people through an organization that is WELFARE SUPPORTED (Democrats like welfare, oh my goodness!).

The sad part of it is, living in this judgmental little bubble is so against the message of Jesus. It is easy to quote the one verse on the abomination of homosexuality and ignore the thousands on poverty and love. It is easy to live in the watch tower, shaking fingers at people and never really living "life to the full" as Jesus intended it to be.

Jesus intended for us to live a radical existence, an existence founded on love, love for Him and others. He intended for us to reach out to others, to be culturally relevant. Jesus judged others' behavior, of course. He didn't condone everything like a postmodern hippie. But He was loving and kind.

And the way this particular leader approached these issues, I felt little love and kindness. It was more, "I'm right, you're wrong, and if you're not for me, you're against God." I feel sorry for people who believe this way... people who are so close-minded that their interpretation is right that they're not able to reach out to embrace beauty that might not be in their little Christian bubble, abortion clinic protest group, or Focus on the Family session.

Memories and Songs

2010-05-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever try to conceptualize something and it doesn't work? Memories for example... what are they really? Think about it... something happened in the past and it is not happening anymore and you "remember" it. But then cognitive psychologists will tell you that memories aren't even necessarily accurate. And then you get older and can hardly remember anything. Or have you been so convinced that something happened but somebody else remembers it differently?

Memories are really just constructions, partly true... but partly untrue. A lot of what we remember is our cognitive appraisal of the situation, rather than raw facts.

Memories are so strange. They come up in the most random situations. It can just be a similar place or person or situation, and then your mind goes back.... I've also had strange deja-vu sometimes, and that totally weirds me out.

I just can't get over the fact that something has happened and it's in the past and you can never go back to that time again. It's incapsulated in your fragile brain, but who's to say it even happened in the first place?

Places where memories have taken place change... going back to my old elementary school was odd. The school is totally renovated now, it is different from when I went there. But I can remember so clearly what happened while I attended there... but the evidence is gone. Different, much younger, children roam the classrooms. The playground equipment is updated. The memories which dotted those years are solely in the confines of my mind.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy, that I think of these things so much. The utter absurdity of the concept "memory" spins me into confusion. Maybe that's why people with overactive brains can often be crazy. You almost can't think too hard to cope with the absurdity of life.

One strange memory association I have is with songs. When I hear certain songs, I am transplanted back into a specific time and place. I am feeling things again, thinking things again.

Here are some songs that totally send me back-

Mr. Tambourine Man, The Byrds-

I think of this song associated with a book I read in elementary school. I don't remember much information about the book. All I can recall is that it took place in the 1960's, and it was a coming-age tale of two girls. They really liked this song. Over the course of a year, the two main characters' friendship changed drastically. At the end of the book, the protagonist listened to this song and thought of how things had changed. Predictable preteen book.

But this book really hit me emotionally... it made me randomly nostalgic for the 60's. I wondered how old these two girls would be now. I mourned the changes that had taken place of the last year in their lives. I mourned the passing of their childhood. I became emotional that these girls were growing up, that they were changing, that things would never be the same again.

Drops of Jupitor, Train-

I hear this song and I am back in 7th grade, eating Easy Mac after school and watching MTV's TRL. I am lonely, restless, existential, miserable. I think of 7th grade homeroom, in which I had no friends. I secretly eavesdropped on some cool people who sat next to me. They were always planning these amazing parties... while I sat home and cried tears of loneliness. I think of misery and preteen angst. I think of my transition into my teen years. I had all this energy, these desires, these strong feelings. I was discovering the world of MTV, the world of friends, the world of middle school cliques.

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol-

When I hear this song, I am transplanted back to Rogers. I envision the outside of the Adult Center, where I stayed. I envision the "OCD van," which is how we left for off-campus. I think of all the hope that went along with that program. I also think of my freshman year of college, walking back and forth from Mary Markley Hall. There is hope in the air-- I was joining a sorority, I had a new beginning, 4 years of unwritten script. This song reminds me of fresh hope, the excitement of my first semester at U of M. It reminds me of my desire to fall in love, my desire to do something of substance, of purpose, my desire to make lasting relationships.

Halo, Beyonce-

It is raining, and I am on my way to my Jubilee Fellows retreat in Holland, Michigan (August of last year). I have had an amazing summer, but back with my 10 Fellows from Calvin, I grew immediately cynical. 2 have gotten married over the summer, 1 is engaged, and everyone else is in the relationship (1 year later, most of the others are engaged, too). I wonder what is wrong with me, why no man doesn't seem to be able to love me. The rain washes down, and I am smoldered with loneliness and despair. I am hungry, so hungry. I need some more coffee to drown out the gnawing of my stomach. I walk through the rain, hopeless, lonely, angry, frustrated... with God and with Calvin. I am tired of pretending. I desperately need God to intervene on my behalf. I need help.

Eet, Regina Spektor

It is October 2009... around 4 days before I am admitted to Remuda. I have just gotten the news: I am being forced to withdraw from Calvin. I know this... but none of my peers do... yet. I am at the dress rehearsal for dance guild. I am wearing my flowy purple dress. I keep calling my parents to tell them about Remuda, pick up plans, etc. I think of sitting in the audience with Alisha, savoring those last moments with her. I am trying to pretend everything's okay, that I won't be leaving so soon. This song reminds me the hope of wanting to get help, being so relieved that I will be gone in a few days. I am overwhelmed-- excited to get better but sad that this is the-- sudden-- end of my college career. I wonder the next time I will see Alisha, my closest friend at Calvin. I want to cry, I want to say a million things, I want to get better... I want.

The Christian Atheist

2010-04-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

On a rather long break in Ann Arbor today, I had ample time to read The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel at Borders. I have pretty much finished it... it was an incredible book. The title is curious so let me explain: Groeschel defines the paradoxical sounding "Christian atheist" as someone who believes in God but acts as if He doesn't exist. As soon as I heard Groeschel's sermon series on podcast that predate the book (the series is entitled The Practical Atheist), I was very convicted. How often I act like God doesn't exist! How often I am just as sinful as the next person on the street when I claim to contain the Good News that will save humanity! By behavior and attitude can be appalling.

The chapters that especially hit home for me were the following:

Chapter 4: When You Believe in God but Not in Prayer

Chapter 7: When You Believe in God but Don't Think You Can Change

Chapter 8: When You Believe in God but Still Worry All the Time

Chapter 10: When You Believe in God but Trust More in Money

Chapter 11: When You Believe in God but Don't Share Your Faith

Actually, on the Lifechurch.tv blog, there is a chapter posted on worry, and I copied it here- the text originally comes from http://swerve.lifechurch.tv/2010/04/20/a-peek-inside-the-christian-atheist/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+lcswerve+%28LifeChurch.tv+%3A+swerve%29.

Hope you enjoy/ are convicted by this chapter as much as I was-

Worry Is not Your Friend

Worry (or not trusting God) has been a significant issue in my life. Although I believe in God, I’ve trusted more in my own abilities than I have in his faithfulness. For Christian Atheists, our worry proves we don’t trust in God as we claim to. We think, I know God’s a good God and all that, but I’ve got this situation handled. And when it turns out we don’t have it handled, then it falls to us — not to God — to fix it.

Worry reminds me of my feelings about snakes. I hate snakes. I hate them worse than Indiana Jones does. It was a serpent that seduced all of mankind into the fall, after all. Coincidence? I think not. Snakes in general freak me out, but bringing venomous vipers into the equation adds another diabolical dimension. My family lives in a heavily wooded area, where we’re basically besieged by poisonous snakes.

One day, when my son Bookie (whose real name is Stephen Craig) was about two years old, he was playing on our front porch. We were all doing different things around the yard when suddenly we heard Bookie squealing with delight. He was jumping up and down, calling out, “My fwend! My fwend! Daddy, look! He’s my fwend!”

I strolled over and asked, “Bookie, where’s your fwend? Is it an imaginary fwend?”

Bookie chirped, “No, Daddy!” and pointed excitedly.

“Look! My fwend!” And there, directly at his feet, was a small rattlesnake. In case you didn’t already know, a rattlesnake is not your fwend. I jerked Bookie away from the snake, then stomped on the snake’s head and crushed it — immediately after I first cut off its head with a shovel.

Many of us treat worry like our fwend. We don’t consciously think or talk about it that way, of course, but how we live tells a different story. We clutch worry to our chests like our favorite stuffed animals from childhood. We have many different euphemisms to mask this sin:

“I’m concerned about something.”

“I have some issues I’m working through.”

“I have a lot on my mind.”

Using such substitute terminology makes me sound like I’m really smart, like I’m an important person with big things going on. What they don’t do is make me sound like I’m a worrywart.

But no matter what you call it, worry is still sin. In Philippians 4:6, Paul tells us not to be anxious about anything. Romans 14:23 says, “Everything that does not come from faith is sin.” That’s pretty clear to me. Worry is the opposite of faith; therefore, it’s sin.

When we live by faith, we believe that God has everything under control. But if we start to worry, how we live says the opposite. If we are worried about losing our jobs, we are essentially saying that our jobs are our providers. But isn’t God our provider? What if God has something else planned for us? And what if, as unpleasant as it may be to think about, the path to that “something else” is through some pain? Will we still trust in God to provide during that time?

Worry, in essence, is the sin of distrusting the promises and the power of God. It’s choosing to dwell on, to think about, the worst-case scenario. It’s faith in the bad things rather than faith in God. Second Timothy 1:7 says, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (NLT). In this verse, you could also easily translate “fear and timidity” as “anxiety, tension, and worry.” Fear doesn’t come from God. It’s a tool the evil one uses to distract us from our true purpose here.

In Matthew 6:25, Jesus says, “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” The Greek word Jesus uses for “life” is psuche (SuE-kay). It doesn’t just mean your breathing life, the force that makes your body go. It actually means every aspect of your life, taken together in total: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. It means your yesterday, today, and future life. Jesus is simply saying don’t worry about anything.

The Christian Atheist may do everything humanly possible to ensure a situation’s positive outcome, and still worry, I can’t just let this sit. I have to do more. But if we’ve honestly done everything we can, by definition we can’t do anything more. And in many cases nothing’s going to go wrong anyway; there’s really nothing you can do about a nonexistent worst-case scenario. So in our powerlessness we settle for the only thing left within our control: we worry.

Worry is a control issue. People are often obsessed with trying to control their circumstances. And while some things in life are within our ability, many things aren’t.

Just last night I sat on a plane, hoping to make a connecting flight. As we were grounded on the runway, time seemed to fly, chipping away at my chances to make my connection. Even though I had zero control over the situation, I glanced continuously at my watch, consumed with worry — as if my worry had any bearing on the outcome. (In case you’re wondering, after our plane landed, I could have given Usain Bolt a run for his money, sprinting across the airport just in time to catch my final leg home.)

Worry indicates we’re not willing to let God handle certain things — at least not in his way, and certainly not in his time. Matthew 6:27 asks a practical question: “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” I wonder how many hours worry has shaved off the end of my life? (Now I’m really worried.)

Fortunately, God’s power and love have enabled me to genuinely overcome much of my worry and unjustified desire to control. I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m going to share with you some of my journey so far.

Intimacy with God and other goals

2010-04-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

How easy it is to get diverted from God. I am so fragile and prone to wandering. Whoever wrote "Come Thou Font of Every Blessing" had it right:

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

Ever so subtly, my gaze shifts from God. Lately I've been in a panic to do something meaningful. It happens because I worry that inside, I am worthless, that the only way to salvage myself is by producing something-- money, prestige, anything "valuable." I've been in such a desperate frenzy to do something that will make me feel good enough.

And I never will! There is nothing I will ever DO to feel worthwhile. I totally shifted my eyes from God. God does not want my measly works. He wants ME. He has already redeemed me, deemed me as valuable. Every day, instead of asking what I can do to feel valuable, I should ask how to grow in Him. He has the journey of a lifetime planned out for me, but I have to listen to His Spirit and read the Word.

I have been listening to a Princess Diana biography audiotape when I drive to Ann Arbor, and that's fairly frequently, so I'm almost through it. Her death was so sudden, and it makes me realize that life is truly a wisp, here today, and gone tomorrow. I want to make a lasting contribution to God. I don't want to live for myself. I don't want to have a mundane existence that won't matter eternally. I want to make a difference for God. I want to further His Kingdom. That's all that really matters.

I want more of Him and less of me. I have been thinking of what I want to accomplish this summer, and intimacy with God is first and foremost, but I want clear, empirical goals of what I should strive for in the coming months.

This summer is kind of a transition time for me, a difficult time of renewing family relationships and dealing with all the drama that comes with that. It is also a low-key summer, probably my only real "break" for the next 6 years. I hate lots of down time, but I know that in about 6 months, I'll cherish this time I have.

With that in mind, I have the following goals:

-Draw closer to God: getting involved in a small group, listening to the Spirit, reading the Word, going to church regularly, putting into practice what I learn, doing a frequent spiritual inventory

-Spend time with family members, as many of them and as frequently as possible, as I will not have this luxury of time or proximity for a long time

-Strive for health, getting involved in some kind of support group, going regularly to appointments, and taking a constant inventory of temptations and struggles

-Rekindle old friendships in the area, spend time with friends who I haven't in a long time, visit friends elsewhere as much as possible, possibly try to meet new friends

Since I will not be in school this summer, I need to focus less on work and more on relationships. I want to spend time with friends and family generously, serve frequently, and love, love, love others-- anyone who I feel God is calling me to love, and especially, falling in love with God, who provides the best relationship of all.

Religious Decline

2010-04-21T09:34:00.001-07:00

My brother recently wrote an amazing paper about our family religious history. He interviewed my paternal grandparents (culturally Jewish) and my maternal grandparents (culturally mainline Protestant). He then interviewed my parents and me. His thesis was that our family reflects America's tendency toward "ordinary religion."

External religious rituals are very similar-- they are different, perhaps, but based on the same premise. Jews have a Sabbath and Catholics don't eat meat on Fridays, but they reflect a belief in doing things to appease God. All religions advocate rules that help the person reach to God. Christianity, on the other hand, is about God coming to us. It is about God's beautiful love toward humanity, that He would redeem everything to Him.

Jesus came to set us free. Period. No strings attached. No rules or guidelines about what religious people should or shouldn't do. God's love is not contingent on human behavior. Jesus came to set us free FROM religion.

It's so easy to tarnish that free message of grace. It's easy for Christians to say, "But, but... what about homosexuality? Abortion? There have to be some lines."

Jesus doesn't draw any. Why should you? Now, truth is not relative. There are guidelines for Christian living. You can't pretend to be all in for Jesus and join a nudist colony. Some things don't fly. But our works don't impact how God loves us. He loves us unconditionally, regardless of the amounts of prayers we say or Sundays we go to church.

My brother concludes that religion in America is declining. I agree. And good riddance! Religion is a terrible thing... it creates a web of rules and constructs that bind people down and take them away from the essence of God's message. God didn't come so we could wear certain clothes and go to certain places and eat certain things. He came to redeem us from that! God came for our hearts.

He doesn't want our Sunday mornings: HE WANTS US!!!!!

"Ordinary religion" is an emphasis on external religious rituals. It's great that ordinary religion is in decline! I think it's great that people no longer feel the need to go to church just to keep up appearances. GREAT! Because that means we are free to have a fresh start with God, the possibly of an authentic relationship.

Many of my family members are culturally religious but don't necessarily internally believe in the tenants of their religion. It is interesting that Christians and Catholics and Jews all end up sounding similar in this "ordinary religion" framework. The emphasis is about being a good person, morals. Religion is mostly a cultural identification. In this way, the individual is the most important thing. God is secondary, a distant figure in the sky... if He even exists.

It is no wonder that younger people don't want any part in this! How fake and absurd it seems to have to do a and b and c on this day of the week because God would like it? It is so forced, inauthentic. People want something that is REAL, that is meaningful, that is pervasive, that is true, that is beautiful.

People want purpose and meaning and beauty and joy. You can't get a lot of joy from meaningless rituals. That is where God comes in. As David Crowder's song goes,

"If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest"

God is calling us to an adventure, a life lived with Him. This is the good news, that our chains our gone, that we have been set free, that we are free to live in Him.

If morals and relativism is all religion has amounted to, in America and in my family, then I cheer to see it go. External religious rituals are not a part of my generation of family members. Most of my cousins don't identify with a particular religious tradition. Perhaps they are "cultural Christians" or "cultural Jews" but they don't subscribe to the tenants of that faith. Most of my cousins don't go to church. Neither does my brother.

Fine. At least they don't feel obligated to do things they don't believe in. There is a beautiful thing happening in the midst of the religious decline. My mom, brother, cousin (and her family), and I are discovering the incarnated Christ WITHOUT the strings attached from religion. THAT is what true faith is. That is what will survive the ages, that personal devotion. I am happy to see religion go.

Answers to Paul's interview questions:

2010-04-20T18:17:00.001-07:00

1. Which religious rituals were emphasized while we were growing up?

The emphasis growing up was on external religious rituals-- doing things that seemed meaningless because God was apparently pleased by them. I knew the "communion part" of church by heart by age 12. During church school, we did things like memorize the Lord's Prayer rather than discuss our personal experiences with God. On a confirmation trip, one boy expressed doubt in God, but the leaders didn't really care. As long as we engaged in the proper confirmation process and rituals, their work with us was done.

I was hungry for God at a young age, but that hunger was not satiated. I was inundated with liturgy when I didn't understand the purpose of it. Although I liked the idea of God, I disliked church. It was boring and repetitive. None of it was internal or personal, and I lived as an internal and personal person in an internal and personal world. The religious rituals of childhood didn't match up with the notion of a contemporary, meaningful faith.

2. Explain your religious change from the Episcopal church to a more Evangelical, modern church.

I never was satisfied in the Episcopal church. The one thing that really connected with me is the message I got at Spring Hill. It was like Christianity without strings. God loved me so much He went to the cross and back for me. I could get excited and passionate about a message like that. I got a "cool" Bible (paraphrased and w/ teen commentary). I met people who really wanted to live this thing out. I met people who gave their lives to the cause of the Gospel. In my heart, I knew that if God was real, He wanted all of me-- He was my purpose for life. If I really took this message seriously, I would have to give my entire life-- past, present, and future-- to Him... because at the end, God is it. God is ALL that matters.

The culturally savvy, passion-driven, spirit-filled counselors at Spring Hill really helped me form a new view of Christianity. I returned to the Episcopal church hoping to zap some passion through those stained glass walls, but the people I talked with there, honestly, were interested more in tradition than passion.

Over the years, I have come to a realization of my priorities: I look for churches that love God-- the members read their Bibles, they preach the Word, they advocate service and missions, they care about the poor, the oppressed, and they want to do community with one another. They want to follow Jesus with their hearts and lives. These people are often called "evangelicals," but I don't like that term (more about that in #3).

I would never consider myself an "Episcopal" partly because I believe they are doing the opposite things a church should be doing (Episcopal church= theologically liberal and liturgically conservative, I believe we should be liturgically liberal and theologically conservative). The Episcopal church has recently advocated gay marriage, which is a liberal shift. Although I am not sold either way on the gay marriage thing, that is a sign of a liberal interpretation of the Bible (not taking the words of the Bible as literal). Evangelicals typically have inerrant/ infallible views of the Bible and thus frown upon homosexuality. The Episcopal church is thus theologically liberal, denouncing core tenants of Christianity such as the divinity of Jesus, the inspiration of Scripture, etc. They are also conservative liturgically, seeing tradition as one leg of the "3 legged stool" that characterizes Episcopalianism. Evangelicals, on the other hand, are more willing to get rid of tradition, especially if it provides a stumbling block for people coming to Christ.

Also, the Episcopal church is a denomination, and I see denominations to be lingering aspects of the past. Denominations are tied to institutions, often institutions that are slow to change and veering far away from the Gospel.

3.Explain your brand of Evangelical type Christianity and where it fits into today's society (i.e. how it's similar/ different to Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Rob Bell or others)

Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and other members of the "Christian conservatives" are a vocal but geographically isolated minority of evangelical Christians. They are vocal in southern states and are a very, very small minority of Protestants/ evangelicals.

I believe in the separation of church and state. I laugh at the idea of Jesus hating gays or being Republican. Such statements are utterly absurd. Many current evangelicals are reacting against the recently vocal conservative Christians, such as Greg Boyd (Myth of a Christian Nation), Rob Bell (Jesus Wants to Save Christians), and Shane Claiborne. They are taking initiatives to help the poor and oppressed, be pro-life in EVERY sense of the word (anti-war AND anti-abortion), and discuss the evils of power. I don't necessarily agree with everything these pastors/ theologians are saying, but it is a needed complement to the vocal Falwell and crowd.

Jesus called people to love God and love people. As is implied in the term "evangelical," I believe in spreading the Good News. Although this analogy is cheesy, if I had the best present ever and I wanted to hide it from people, wouldn't I be mean? Jesus is the best present to come to humanity, and I would be selfish if I concealed it from people because I was too afraid of getting judged. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life... that is, THE way, THE truth, and THE life. Jesus is truth embodied. Jesus is life embodied. Any healing or life is a cause and result of Him.

Evangelism doesn't mean handing out Bible tracts and yelling at people on the diag. It means investing in people personally, really caring about how they're doing and feeling. It means caring about their emotional, physical, mental, and most of all spiritual, well-being. Evangelism means working in a soup kitchen AND having coffee with people to discuss God. It is doing whatever possible to spread the Kingdom of God, the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I also believe that every Christian needs a personal relationship with Jesus Christ-- a vibrant faith that includes some kind of prayer (but not like, "thou art God"... more like, "hey God"), learning more about Him (Bible study), and community with other believers (involvement in some kind of church entity).

My favorite theologians/ pastors are: Francis Chan (Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, CA), Craig Groeschel (Lifechurch.tv in Oklahoma), Rick Warren (Saddleback Church in CA), John Ortberg (Menlo Park Presbyterian Church in CA- the church Condaleeza Rice attends), Tim Keller (Redeemer Presbyterian Church), Rob Bell (Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, MI), and Mark Driscoll (Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA).

I like the Willow Creek movement (Willow Creek Community Church in IL and Heartland CC in Rockford, IL). I am very supportive of most churches that preach the Word, love others, are nondenominational, have vibrant Bible study and life group opportunities, and are culturally relevant but doctrinally sound.

4. How has being a woman affected your seeking of a job in the field of Christianity?

Honestly, I tend to gravitate toward churches that advocate traditional gender roles, and that has impacted the careers I would strive for... to an extent. If I really felt God calling me to pastoral work, I would be in a much tougher place-- I would either have to pick a denomination (which I would NOT want to do) or go to the few megachurches (Willow Creek churches) that believe in gender equality (egalitarianism). I think someday the gender role movement in evangelical churches will dissipate, but for right now, I am choosing to remain silent on this subject. Gender issues are secondary to the Gospel. I do not pick churches based on gender roles-- I pick churches based on how they relate to the GOSPEL. That is #1! I think God is calling me to thrive and remain in the framework of a church that is potentially more conservative than I am on gender roles. At the moment, that's okay with me.

5. Has coming from a religiously diverse background shaped your life and religion? If so, how?

As a result of my Jewish relatives, I identify with cultural aspects of Judaism. None of our Jewish relatives are devout; they practice only in the cultural rituals of Judaism (high holidays, bar mitzvahs, Jewish friends, Jewish food, Jewish books, Jewish lectures, etc.). Theologically, however, they are mostly agnostic and humanistic.

On the other side of the family, it is ironically quite similar. People mostly go through the external rituals of liturgy, concerts, services, Confirmation, baby baptism, etc., but that is mostly it. If you talk to them, they are theologically much more liberal... and end up confessing doubt and sounding a lot like our humanistic Jewish relatives.

There have been some changes since my mom, Jacob, Anne and her family, and I have become more evangelical and personal about the matters of faith, which I see as very positive.

My "religiously diverse" background has shaped my reluctance of externally based religion. If external religious rituals are done in a social, almost superstitious manner, it does nothing for personal piety. In reality, God does not want chants and luekwarm prayers. He wants our HEARTS. I have learned to disdain meaningless "religion," filled with rules on how to please God. Christianity is a RELATIONSHIP with the Lord- it's all about God coming to us.

If religious rituals, whether Episcopalian reformed Jewish or humanistic Jewish, are all pointless if not meant to impact someone personally, if not done to connect the person with God.

Growing up with so much agnosticism, I have also grown sensitive to the doubts many people face in regards to Christianity. That inspired me to learn more about my own faith and formulate responses to people when faced with doubt. I also have more of a heart to spread the Gospel to people. There is no real hope apart from Christ, and I believe God has called me to such a religiously diverse family so I can share with them the hope I have in Christ.

How can people change if they don't want to?

2010-04-20T14:50:00.001-07:00

Converts to a cause often become zealots for the peace/ joy they have found. I experienced this after my religious conversion in middle school. It makes sense... I learned at Spring Hill camp that Jesus was the only way, and He was THE answer humanity was looking for. In an untrained fashion, I tried to convince others of my viewpoint.

I learned later that religious arguments rarely work. Who was I to change people's hearts? I am convinced that the only way people can believe in Jesus is through the Holy Spirit's work in their lives. No 8th grade intellectual argument can do that.

Lately, however, I've been having a similar problem... only with recovery issues. When I'm psychologically healthy, I notice others' psychological states as well. Coming home with my recovery mantras, I notice when other people tend toward addictive behaviors. And of course, I am right their to diagnose their problems. My family is like a psychological case study, so I have abundant material to work with!

Unfortunately, people get stubborn and in denial. And I'm like, "Look, here's this article! I'm right! You should address this problem!" More often than not, they don't want to. It frustrates me. There is a realm of health, and when someone is evidently outside that realm and doesn't think it's an issue, I grow upset. I want them to see what I see! I want them to cope with their emotions. I want to yell at them, "GUESS WHAT, YOUR LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE BETTER IF YOU USE INEFFECTIVE BEHAVIORS." Ineffective behaviors merely mask the problem. Maladaptive coping is a form of avoidance- it's way easier not to think about pain and loneliness and instead take a drink. It feels better... in the short term.

At Remuda, everyone wanted to change. Everyone was malleable-- life was not working out for them. If what they were doing led to inpatient treatment, maybe a change might be good. People wanted to re-evaluate their lives. AA is a similar atmosphere. Addicts are bruised with bad memories and pain from sometimes years of behaviors. They have recognized that they are POWERLESS over their condition, that they need help from their Higher Power (Step 1). Those in recovery are humble. They seek new beginnings. They know that life in recovery has got to be better than the hellish existence they had prior to sobriety.

People who haven't hit rock bottom, however, are not compelled to change. Why should they? Their behaviors are working for them. Maybe their lives are disrupted, but hey, they can cope in this marginalized format. They have their friends and family members... to an extent. Work might be going... okay. And they have their addictive behavior, whatever it is! The behavior (or behaviorS) that serve as a coping mechanism for something... perhaps biological, emotional, physical, psychological, or a combination. That behavior helps them get through the day.

Plus, is it REALLY so bad? Maybe alcohol/ pill use/ eating habits/ collecting/ whatever is a little excessive... but who is it hurting? It's not as bad as it could get... no police are barking down the door. No spouses are threatening to leave. Let's just keep the status quo.

DENIAL is so pervasive. Heck, everyone has it about some things. I've had it. If I don't want to admit something about my life, if I want to keep it a secret, what happens when someone brings it up? I get totally defensive, my first instinct. There have been periods of my life when I am in total denial. It is like I've been brainwashed to think that what I'm doing is not a big deal. Then my eyes are somehow opened-- and it's like, "Wow, I can't believe I've thought this was normal."

With denial, the eyes of the addict are shrouded. To an outsider looking in, it is SO SO frustrating! Especially if you care about this person! You don't want them to keep living this way.

An addiction is absurd to everyone except the addict. The addict reaps whatever benefits come from the behavior, while outsiders look in pain as the addict destroys his/ her life in the process. The addiction hurts others, but most of all, it hurts the addict. It takes a lot to get them to see that, however.

Here is the issue: how can a person recently in recovery look upon someone in full-fledged addictive behaviors and be okay with that? I have been there, I have been in the constant routine of ineffective behaviors. I know what it's like! And I love my family enough that I don't want them to be there too!

To use an example farther from home, I recently watched an Intervention show on two addicts whose families were gathering to do an intervention on their loved ones. One was a college-aged boy who lived on the streets addicted to alcohol. Another was a man addicted to pills. They were both in complete denial.

The intervention happened... and both addicts walked out! They were being offered FREE treatment, and their families were all begging for them to get help, and they didn't want it. They simply didn't see their behavior as a problem. Everyone else did, but they didn't... or they just didn't care.

It's frustrating because you can't make people want to get help. Not even a TV show with trained specialists can convince someone to get help. If they don't think they have a problem, they won't get help.

My grandpa recently told me that diagnosing the problem is only 5% of the problem... the other 95% is convincing the other person that they should get help for that problem, or that they should care about that diagnosis. That is so true, unfortunately. People get set in their ways, and they don't want input from others.

Whether it's a mild problem or a debilitating problem that threatens life, people still veer toward defensiveness. Going into psychology, I'm sure I will see my share of people who are forced into treatment, people who don't want help. I might watch them leave unchanged or die. I will have to be okay with that. I will have to somehow learn that it is not my job to make people want to change. It is their own job. If I can't convince them, I will have to leave it to God. That is hard.

Commentary on Carrie's story

2010-04-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

This short story on a girl's descent into anorexia is a very small fraction of what living with an eating disorder is like.

What could possibly lead a seemingly happy, well-adjusted, talented girl into a deadly disease? That's what I start to explore in this story.

There is no one CAUSE of eating disorders. They are not caused by a bad family situation or teasing or whatever. Maybe these things all contribute to the onset of an eating disorder, but it is impossible to pinpoint such an illness to one particular factor.

It takes the right concoction of factors to initiate an eating disorder. Certain things make it more/ less likely for someone to get an eating disorder.

Anorexia has the strongest correlation to temperament of ANY psychological illness. Common characteristics of anorexia: perfectionistic, cautious, highly regimented, discipline, perceived feelings of inadequacy.

People who have depression, OCD, or other anxiety disorders are more likely to have an ED.

Those whose family members have suffered from EDs are more likely to get one themselves. In fact, one eating disorder in your family is likely to hike up your probability of suffering from one.

Moms who are obsessed with dieting/ appearance are more likely to have a child with an ED.

People who are in competitive, individual sports, like dance or gymnastics are more likely to have an ED.

Although eating disorders are diagnosed by the DSM IV TR as REAL PSYCHOLOGICAL ILLNESSES, some people still think of them as a willpower thing. "Just eat, and you'll be fine." Like an anorexic can will herself to eat. Like a binger can will herself to stop bingeing. It's not going to happen, if it's a full-blown clinical case of the disorder.

To demonstrate how an eating disorder is NOT a choice, let me explain "concordance rates." Psychologists study identical twins because they have the same genes, and whatever difference between them can be described as environmental.

Do you think of schizophrenia as a choice? Of course not! Most people see schizophrenia as a biological disorder. Twin studies of schizophrenia have shown that if an identical twin has schizophrenia, there is a 50% chance the other twin will have it as well. In other words, the concordance rate is 50%. That describes that for schizophrenia, there is a LOT of biology involved! Yet, there are environmental factors that influence schizophrenia onset as well (although these are unknown).

Well, guess what? The concordance rate for anorexia is 50% as well. That means that someone who has anorexia is as able to choose her disorder as a schizophrenic is able to choose becoming schizophrenic!

Many people have eating quirks, or have gone through periods of starving/ bingeing, but that doesn't necessarily mean that's an actual eating disorder. Sub-clinical disordered eating is pervasive in our country.

To be actually diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, for example, you must meet the following criteria:

1. The refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height. Maintaining a body weight less than 85% of the expected weight.

2. An intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though the person is underweight

3. Self-perception that is grossly distorted, excessive emphasis on body weight in self-assessment, and weight loss that is either minimized or not acknowledged completely.

4. In women who have already begun their menstrual cycle, at least three consecutive periods are missed (amenorrhea), or menstrual periods occur only after a hormone is administered

85% is pretty significant... If say, an 120 pound person lost that much weight, they would be down to 102 before even meeting the diagnostic criteria for anorexia!

Eating disorder prevention is way easier than treatment because once an ED has been launched full-blown, it is hard to go back. Average treatment time can last 5-10 years for clinical cases. Usually this involves relapse of some kind.

Anorexia has the highest death rate of any other psychological illness, including depression or alcoholism. All eating disorders, especially anorexia and bulimia, result in tons of health problems.

Recovery takes so long that I wish I could write another story titled, "Carrie still has an eating disorder after 10 years, and she doesn't know what the heck is going on!"

The onset of an eating disorder is only the beginning, and unfortunately, it doesn't get easier throughout the treatment process.

This story is merely something to open your eyes. Enjoy

Long short story on a teen's descent into anorexia

2010-04-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a long one. I have recently written a short, fictional (but autobiographically based) story on one girl's descent to anorexia. It's long, once again, but easy to read:

I peered through the long mirror that Grandma had gotten me earlier in the summer.

Hair? My brown curls bounced around my shoulders in an unruly way, but what else was new?

Makeup? I had attempted to do my makeup the way Olivia had showed me earlier in the summer, but I looked somewhat like a clown. Olivia, on the other hand, always looked exotic and dramatic with her perfectly lined eyes and rouged, sparkling lips. Me? I needed only a wig to pass for a clown at some four year old’s birthday party. Whatever.

Clothes? Mom had pitched in to buy me a new outfit: dark jeans and a shiny tank top. The tank top bulged with the recent development of boobs, which had popped out sometime during the course of the summer.

“CARRIE!!”

I heard Mom’s shrill yelp from downstairs, and I knew it would have to do. I was already late.

“Carrie, you’re going to have to bring a granola bar with you, because you’re late, and I have to drive Olivia to school, too.” Mom was zipping around the kitchen in a flurry of cleaning up breakfast dishes, packing our lunches, and getting ready for work.

“Olivia should just take the bus,” I snarled, picking up my backpack.

“Right, like sophomores take the bus,” Olivia retorted, as if I was asking her to commit social suicide. She was counting down the days until she got her license—41, to be exact.

I didn’t push it, because I was in walking distance of school, but there was no way I could possibly walk and make it on time. I was grateful to be getting a ride my first day at all.

From the looks of the toast crumbs by Ben’s seat, he had already left for his first day of 3rd grade.

Within a few frenzied minutes, Olivia, Mom, and I were on our way to school. I was preoccupied, my heart thumping in my chest.

It took a few minutes to notice Mom’s frosty once-over. “You aren’t going to school like that, are you?” She gasped.
I frowned. We were a block away from school. Uh, yes, I was going to school “like that.” I hardly wanted to ask, but I did, “What’s wrong with me?”

Mom kept her eyes on the road. “Honey, your hair is a mess, and so is your makeup. Did you even brush your teeth this morning?”

I rolled my eyes. So I didn’t look like a supermodel. Irritation surged in me, because Mom was always doing this… commenting about my appearance and making me feel like a fashion failure.

Olivia was daydreaming, tuning Mom’s comments out. She was always glamorous, but never pretentious about it. As an actress, she wore vibrant clothes and makeup, but she was never one to judge. She was used to her fair share of Mom’s scornful remarks.

I got out of the car, insecure but hopeful. It was a new year with new possibilities. Anything could happen.

Last year had been rocky, at best. My grades were good, of course, but the whole friends situation was volatile. Jessi and Felicity, my best friends from elementary school, had started to change. They were “cool” now. They ate at the popular table, with the likes of ultra-fashionable Rachel Parks and Gabrielle Martin.

I hung around my other friend Lizzie for lunch, but she, too, had started to change. She had started wearing all black and skipping recess for trips to the art room. At least she was friendly to me, and although I hadn’t seen her all summer, I was confident that she would save me a seat at her lunch table.

Walking into school, I scanned the crowd for familiar faces. Some midget students, presumably sixth graders, were bubbling through the doors with way to much eagerness than was warranted for middle school.

Finally I saw Lizzie, her hair a strange shade of blue, wearing all black. “Hey, Carrie,” she offered, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Hey, how was your summer?” I asked with such perk, Lizzie gave me a death stare, like, “We’re starting seventh grade, really?”

“It sucked.” Lizzie responded, her tone bitter. “My parents are splitting up, and we’re trying to move. Neither of them can afford our house anymore.”

“Oh,” I squeaked, not sure of what to say. Lizzie’s sadness emoted from her, and I wanted to help somehow, or give her a hug, but then the bell rang.

Off to first hour… French.

The morning went as expected. Jessi was in my social studies class, and of course didn’t say hi. I was too uncool for her, I guess. At least Peter Simmons wasn’t in any of my morning classes. He loved poking fun at me, in a way that wouldn’t be deemed as harassment, but would still send the popular crowd into laughter at my expense.
I took a deep breath… lunch. The most pivotal part of the day. Lunch tables were everything—if someone changed lunch tables, it would be the gossip for the rest of the day.

“Kelsey Leonard is sitting with the tech crew now?”

“Dennis Miller is sitting with the baseball guys? What?”

My stomach was undeniably growling. The small granola bar I had for breakfast was hardly sustenance for a whole morning of classes. Money clutched in hand, I stood in the cafeteria line. What did I want? Pizza? A hamburger? Coke? All three?

Felicity and her new friends were bunched up in front of me. They all bolted for the salad bar.

As if in a trance, I watched each choose a generous portion of lettuce and drizzle the plate with dressing. My own stomach grumbled in disapproval as the girls chose a diet Coke and paid for their meals.

How could they eat so little? I muttered, brow furrowed. Instead, I chose a sizeable hamburger and fries. I also couldn’t resist an adorable Red Velvet cupcake by the cashier.

I was a little embarrassed by my choice of food compared to that of Felicity’s new crew, but hey, I guess I was hungry. I started down the long walk from the cashier’s to Lizzie and my regular table.

I made it over to our last year’s table and found it empty. Quick mental panic. Where would Lizzie be sitting? Dammit… my eyes darted around the room, hoping to glimpse Lizzie’s newly blue locks. Finally I saw her… all the way on the other side of the room.

That walk across the room was the longest walk of my life. I could feel countless girls watching me, perhaps judging my clown makeup, my outfit, my food.

Lizzie was laughing at the table, reaching into her brown bag for something more appetizing than a tuna salad sandwich.
“Hey,” I squeaked, popping my tray down and sitting next to her.

Lizzie had chosen to sit with quite the rogue’s gallery: Alex, the timid girl who had been previously homeschooled; Jake, Lizzie’s crush, who also sported strangely hued locks; Tessa, a girl who I’d never heard utter a word.

I’d barely heaved a few bites of my hamburger, when I heard an oh-so-familiar voice next to me.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Lizzie and Carrie,” Peter Simmons cooed from the table next to us. He and his other football friends began laughing, and I blushed to a shade of red I hadn’t known to be possible for a human face.

Please, God, have him leave us alone, I prayed, just as Peter began again.

“Lizzie and Carrie sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage.” Peter and his friends burst into uncontrollable laughter.

I ate my hamburger with a vengeance, pretending Peter was the patty that I was violently ingesting. My face was already scarlet, and although I didn’t dare look at her, I knew Lizzie was probably equally mortified.

I stole a look around the cafeteria, hoping, praying, that no one could hear Peter from across the room. Maybe if I pretended to be invisible, it would really happen.

After a few minutes, Peter and his friends got distracted by the geeky Leonard Ernstein shuffling to the trash can, so we were off the hook. My muscles relaxed.

Lizzie and I just rolled our eyes and didn’t address the incident again. Jake cracked a joke, trying to ease the tension. I was never so happy to have the bell ring a few minutes later.

The rest of the day was painless enough, and thank goodness, I had no classes with Peter.

So seventh grade had begun. How silly I’d been, having such high expectations of the new year. I saw now that it would be more of the same. Jessi and Felicity still wouldn’t talk to me. I would awkwardly sit at lunch with Lizzie’s new crew. I would get all A’s effortlessly. I would be bored and lonely on Friday nights. And Peter Simmons would be insisting that Lizzie and I were lesbians. Great.

It took a while to wash off all my makeup that night before bed. The eyeliner was caked on thick. I scrubbed. What was even the point? Things were just going to be the same. I felt trapped in the bubble of Adams Middle School.

I couldn’t reinvent myself, apparently. I couldn’t magically make myself good at sports, especially volleyball, which would automatically give me popular status. I couldn’t magically become good at drama, like Olivia was. I couldn’t magically develop social ease, like my mother possessed, which enabled her to meet new friends wherever she went.

I curled into a ball under the mattress, grateful to tune out the world, at least for a few hours. My eyes got drowsy, and I was giddy with the prospect of temporary numbness. Maybe tomorrow would be better. Or maybe it would just be the same.
Friday afternoon finally came, and I was finished with my first week of school. Lizzie was going to her dad’s new apartment 30 minutes away, so I was on my own for the weekend… typical.

By 5 PM, I was already bored. I was stir crazy, wanted to do something, go somewhere. Regretfully, I couldn’t drive nor could I bike because it was pouring rain outside. “Just great,” I muttered. Mindless, I flipped on the TV for an evening of MTV.
Olivia waltzed in, dressed in a decadent lace tank and fancy jeans. Her makeup was perfect. She was ready for a night out. “Have you seen my keys anywhere?”

I rolled my eyes. By “my” keys, she meant the extra copy of the keys to Mom’s minivan. “Do you think I’ve been on a joy ride?” I returned, sarcastic.

“Isn’t somebody in a good mood tonight,” she whirled around the room, flipping over stray magazines, hoping to find the keys magically. “Don’t you have something to do?”

Automatically, I felt like a loser. I pretended her comment didn’t stab an already deep wound. “I just want to hang out and unwind for a while. Do you have a problem?”

Olivia raised her eyebrows, silently continuing in her flurry to find the keys. “I’m going to a play downtown tonight… it’s a new script, apparently hardly ever presented,” she volunteered after a few minutes.

She was clearly attempting to impress me by her 16-year-old maturity, and although I would have rather done almost anything than go to one of her weird plays, voluntarily no less, I was jealous. At least she had something, anything, to do.
Mom appeared in the kitchen a few minutes after Olivia had finally found “her” keys. “Carrie, do you have anywhere to go tonight?” she wondered.

My cheeks grew pinker. Why was everyone expecting me to have plans all of a sudden that I was in seventh grade? “No, not really,” I murmured.

“Dad and I are going to a movie tonight, and we were going to drop Ben off at David’s house for a sleepover. Do you want to come with us to the movie?” Mom offered.

I sensed the pity in her voice. I felt ashamed. Mom and Dad clearly didn’t want the loser middle school 3rd wheel to ruin their evening. I shook my head. “I’m fine here. I’ll order a pizza or something.”

It took all that was in me to present an image of coolness. When everyone left, however, I exhaled loudly. I wanted to cry. Get a hold of yourself, Carrie, what is wrong with you? I scowled.

So the rest of the family had plans. What of it? For the last year, I didn’t have weekend plans with friends… mostly because I didn’t have the best friends. I hadn’t found that “group” with whom I could gush about guys and eat too much popcorn at sleepovers. I had done that when Jessi, Felicity, Lizzie, and I were all friends, but things were different now. Jessi and Felicity were cool. They had cool friends. And as for me? I watched MTV on Friday nights now.

Olivia was very busy—she had her dramatic acting friends, and when she wasn’t at play rehearsal, she was watching plays. Ben had lots of friends through sports. He was a popular kid and in his prime years for slumber parties. My parents were always big into social activities as well, although they would stay home sometimes with Ben and me, or more recently, just me.

For some reason, now that I was in 7th grade it was more embarrassing. Shouldn’t I have a social life? Why was middle school so impossible? I slumped down on the couch, pretending that I wasn’t really there, that I wasn’t a loser alone on Friday night. Was this the way it was always going to be this year, everyone gone, and me alone?

You are so pathetic, I told myself again. I watched a few more music videos before getting bored with the same old tunes. My stomach grumbled a little, and I called for pizza—my favorite: ham and pineapple.

I was so bored, I considered starting on my math homework before realizing how utterly absurd that was. The waft of the pizza filled my nose before the delivery boy even rang the doorbell. As if in a trance, I paid the bill and stared at it for a moment.

All of a sudden, as if in a voracious frenzy, a grabbed a piece and inhaled it. The crust and cheese slid down my throat, burning it. It felt good, and I grabbed another few. This time, I made it to the couch to eat. I ate so fast and eagerly, I scared myself. Before I knew it, I had eaten almost half the pizza. Then three-quarters.

My stomach was aching, but I still considered washing it down with some candy. How could I possibly eat candy? I groaned. Yet, I still yearned for a Kit-Kt or something.

I rolled on the couch, so full I could barely breath. What had just happened? Had I really just eaten that much? My heart was throbbing so hard I could feel it. My head ached from so much food in such a short period of time.

I waited until the stomachache had lessened in intensity, and then I crawled up to bed. It was early, but hey, what did I have to stay up for? Lying motionless under my covers seemed like the only comfortable option. I was still stunned at my appetite, still stunned at how easily I had eaten so much. I hadn’t thought I was that hungry.

Whatever. I closed my eyes. I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. The next thing I remember, it was morning. I pulled open the blinds and tried to remember if last night had been a dream. My stomach throbbed a little. Nope.

How weird, I thought. But it was a fresh morning, at least. It was a one-time thing. I must have been really hungry, is all. A few days later, I had forgotten about the whole incident.

The next week seemed to never end. Any hopes and dreams for seventh grade had shattered. It was the same old, boring crap. In class, we were doing review. Maybe that wasn’t bad in a class I hated, like math, but in English, I got easily frustrated. Did Mr. Jenkins really have to explain how to read again? Were we really that illiterate?

Then of course the social situation at school was the same old. There were some juicy rumors that satisfied me for a second, like the fact that potentially Felicity hooked up with a guy in her father’s beach house in Canada. Besides that, though, it was the same cliquey, miserable situation.

Home was even worse. Mom had been a constant presence during the summer, wondering if we wanted to go out for ice cream or to play tennis. Now, she was back to teaching high school history and coaching girls’ tennis. Most of the time she came home late and exhausted. Dad worked late hours as well.

Olivia was out nearly every night now, either for play practice or with friends. Even Ben was getting a social life.
Why couldn’t middle school be just like elementary school, that amazing time when Jessi, Felicity, Lizzie, and I had been best friends? When sleepovers were weekend staples? When I didn’t feel so lonely?

I was having one of my “times.” Periodically, I’d get this relentless desire to do something meaningful, to make me famous, to make me known. At least if I was lonely and miserable, I could be a lonely, miserable prodigy who would make it and write about it later in life in my bestselling autobiography. At least this time would be worth something.

I started spending most of my time fantasizing of what I could do to be famous while eating Cheetos and watching MTV.
One day in the shower, I got a brilliant idea… I could write a novel! I’d always loved writing, and maybe I could get published, the youngest New York Times bestselling author! What could I write? Hmmm… I could go undercover, trying to expose middle school life. Actually, that was too much Never Been Kissed. Well, what about a romance novel? Maybe historical? It would have to be a decent one, of course, not trashy.

Into the wee hours of the night I was brainstorming, writing, chugging Dr. Pepper to keep me awake. The next morning I was comatose, and worst of all, I read over my scribbles from the past night… utter crap. And now I had a massive headache. Great.

I sighed, pouring myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. I munched mindlessly, the house quiet, with Olivia rustling around upstairs and Mom packing our lunches.

I had no desire to write another single letter of my sappy love story. Why are you so stupid? Why can’t you finish something? I indulged the thought, hoping it would lead to harder work the next time.

This Friday night I wasn’t alone. Mom, Dad, and Ben were all lounging around the house until Mom suggested we go out to dinner.

I perked up at the prospect of leaving the house and was at the minivan door instantly. We went to our usual pizza place and sat in a booth after a small wait.

Ben, Dad, and Mom were talking about sports something-or-other, a subject wholly disinteresting to me. I tuned them out, instead gazing across the restaurant. My heart clenched. There were Felicity, Jessi, and a few of their other blonde cronies. The group had a large table, and they were laughing loudly. They were also unsupervised.
I instantly grew pink. Here I was with my parents and brother, while the coolest girls in school, who actually had social lives, were laughing right across the restaurant. What if they saw me? They would know the truth: I had no plans on Friday night. I didn’t really have friends.

This couldn’t happen. It just couldn’t happen. My eyes darted about, as I sought an escape route. Mom caught my eyes. “Oh, look, there are Jessi and Felicity. You should go say hi!”

I gave her a look like, “Did you just ask me to run around the restaurant naked?” “Mom, I can’t just go say hi to them!” I hissed. It was so obvious. Why did I even have to explain?

She didn’t get it. “Yes you can. Be friendly!”

She couldn’t be serious. Did I have to lay out the nuances of social hierarchy? I couldn’t just say hi to them, as if we were friends. Felicity and Jessi had ditched me the second they became cool. They didn’t even acknowledge my existence in class!

Losers didn’t just address popular people. It was like unspoken dogma.

“Mom, you’re a high school teacher, don’t you understand? I can’t just say hi. It’s more complicated.” I finally answered.
Ben and Dad glanced at me, amused.

Mom let out a little laugh. “Why not? It’s the friendly thing to do! If you don’t say hi to them, you’re being as snobby as they are.”

Ugh. I rolled my eyes and waited until Ben would inevitably bring up sports. I nodded as they talked about first baseball, then basketball, and then football. Inside, however, I was praying that I would be invisible, just until after dinner was over.
I ate my burger and fries fast, meticulously, silently, as if they might hear me eating across the restaurant.
Mom eyed me devouring my food. “My, you’re hungry tonight,” she observed.

I nodded, returning to my plate. I felt her eyes on me as Ben and Dad continued their sports banter. Mom’s eyes locked in on my noticeably bigger chest. I became self-conscious.

Later that night, she sneaked into my bedroom to have a little girl-chat. Usually these girl-chats were awkward and annoying. Mom gave me little details, leaving Olivia as a necessary supplement to Mom’s feeble attempts at sexual education. When I’d started my period a few months before, she’d practically tossed pads at me.

Tonight the talk was about the way I dressed. “What’s wrong with the way I look?” I asked, somewhat hurt.

“You should just dress your age more, wear makeup that isn’t so dark and heavy, buy some trendy clothes.” She gazed at my admittedly childish wardrobe. “I just want you to look like other girls your age, that’s all.”

And I didn’t? I had been trying to dress nicer and put on makeup. Apparently that wasn’t good enough. I was immediately embarrassed. Here my mom had to tell me I didn’t look good enough. Olivia was tall, slender, and radiant, a fashionista in her own unique way. I guaranteed Mom didn’t have to have this talk with Olivia. And then there was me, the ugly duckling. I was shorter than my family members, bustier as of late, and dressed like a kid.

Maybe this is why Jessi and Felicity didn’t like me anymore. How could I be popular if I didn’t have the right brands? In fact, maybe this was my in to popularity. “Mom, maybe we could, uh, go shopping this weekend?”

She consented, and the next day we were at the mall first thing. Apparently she thought it was a crisis that needed immediate addressing. I had looked online the night before at the coolest brands—True Religion, Guess, basically, anything expensive. I was ready to get a new wardrobe.

The world of teenage shopping was new to me. I had been significantly smaller just a few months before, but now kid jeans were just not an option. I had graduated to the juniors’ section.

Navigating through clothing racks was overwhelming. What size was I? I had no idea. I grabbed several pairs of jeans and blouses that had acceptable brands. Mom grabbed a pile of her own. By the time I made it to the dressing room of the department store, I had a good 20 outfits with me.

Most of the jeans I had picked up didn’t fit. One pair of skinny jeans didn’t even get up a knee.

“You should try a bigger size,” Mom volunteered, handing me another pair. I barely fit into Mom’s choice either. My thighs were suffocated inside the jean pant legs. I looked in the mirror, and I was almost surprised to see the reflection staring back.

The same curls bounced down my face, but I looked different… bigger. Everything was larger—my thighs, my breasts, my hips, my stomach. It was as if I was looking in a fun size mirror. No way, this couldn’t be the case, I rationed, thinking of the scrawny child who might have walked into these doors just a few months prior.

Mom saw the look of horror on my face and reassured, “You’re developing.”

I was developing? My head spun. Into what? How much longer was it going to be like this? When was I going to be finished “developing”?

We emerged from the store with a few socially acceptable outfits. I triumphed in finding a pair of jeans that fit and a few cute blouses. After I tried on one shirt, Mom quietly recommended that we try the bra department.

Feeling horrified and disgusted by the end of our shopping endeavor, I slinked out to the car, not even realizing that Mom had stopped behind me. My neck craned around. “We’re parked this way!”

“I know, but I thought you might want to stop for some ice cream before heading home?” Mom smiled, knowing I could never pass up ice cream.

It took me only one look down to my foreign body to refuse her offer. “I’m just not in the mood,” I shrugged, to which Mom’s eyes bulged out in surprise.

The rest of the weekend, I tried on and retried on my new clothes. I was bigger, sure, but not terrible looking. At least I had brand name clothes now. Maybe this would be enough to catapult me into the popular circle. Maybe they would take me seriously with a new wardrobe. Maybe even Jessi and Felicity would look me in the eye.

I woke up early on Monday morning to ensure I’d have enough time to look good. How would a popular kid get ready for school on Monday morning? I imagined Jessi and her painstaking hair straightening process, Felicity and her effortless pursuit of vintage outfits.

I chose new dark jeans and a white satin top. I put on extra eyeliner. I even crunched lightly on my Cheerios so as to not mess up my lip liner. Popular, popular, I chanted.

What would happen if Jessi and Felicity freaked out over me today? If they were like, “Ohmygosh, you’re wearing True Religion jeans, wanna come sit with us at lunch today?”

It would be the gossip of the school: “I didn’t think Carrie was cool.” “I guess she is, Felicity and Jessi love her!”
We could chew gum together in class against the rules. We could go to the mall by ourselves on Friday night. We could see movies and have sleepovers and--

“Carrie, you are wearing so much eyeliner!” It was Mom, who was standing horrified with a cup of coffee in hand.
I rolled my eyes and ignored her. Popular kids wore a lot of makeup, duh. And why was she always talking to me? Olivia was the one who went through a bottle of eyeliner a day!

I didn’t get any real comments from anybody until mid-morning. Colleen Parker, a girl of semi-popular status, told me she had those same pants at home. A compliment? Or not? I wasn’t sure, but at least she was talking to me.

Being beautiful gave me an appetite. I was practically hobbling to the cafeteria in my heels. I found Lizzie, Alex, Jake, and Tessa at the regular table, and I plopped down, grateful for an opportunity to discard my painful shoes.

“Wow, Carrie, you look so… pretty,” Tessa stuttered out, the first words I’d ever heard the silent girl utter.
Lizzie nodded, giving me a look of approval and simultaneous, “You sold out.”

Just then, I heard the evil low rumble of Peter Simmons. He was enclosing on our table. Please, God, have him leave us alone. Please, God, have him leave us alone. Please God—

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” He snarled, getting so close to Lizzie and I that we could smell his bologna breath. Disgusting.

A few of his sidekicks were hovering around him, guffawing in their usual idiotic manner.
Please, God, please, God, please God—

“So Carrie, why are you dressed up so much today? Is there a special someone in your life? Maybe your secret crush Lizzie?” Peter sneered, loud enough for the tables nearby to hear.

Oh, please, not again with that, I prayed, my eyes down on the table.

“Cut it out, Peter,” Alex’s, Lizzie’s semi-boyfriend, stood up for us, and I gave him a desperately grateful look. Alex’s head was high, and his tone was confident.

Peter whipped his head around to the meek Alex. His lips curled up. “Oh, I see, is that how it is? You want Carrie’s tits to yourself, do you?”

An eruption of laughter, both mean-spirited and nervous, filled a section of the cafeteria.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the principal talking with a teacher in the hall, once again lacking in his supervision duties. Of course, he’s not around when we need him.

I felt Alex, Lizzie, and my faces burning crimson.

He can’t do it forever. It’s going to be over soon. Please, God, have nobody hear this.

“Well, I see how it is, I guess we have a love triangle here. You lovebirds work it out, but my bet is for Lizzie and Carrie,” he laughed hysterically, and returned to his table to stuff some more disgusting bologna through his large, evil mouth.

Our table was silent for a few minutes. I heard the familiar sound of Felicity and Jessi’s table… laughing… nearby. I was ready to burst into tears right there. Somehow I managed out, “I’m sorry, guys.”

Lizzie shook her head forcefully. “No, no, it wasn’t your fault.” She was certain, but I noticed her lip trembling.

The bell couldn’t ring soon enough. I went to sick room right away. I was already shaking and red, so passing for sick wasn’t that much of a stretch. “I’m feeling very sick,” I told the nurse and gave her an Academy Award performance, enough for her to call Mom.

Mom sighed, annoyed to be interrupted at school. I wanted to tell her, “But I need you, Mom, I need you right now, you’ll never believe what just happened!” I just couldn’t, though. Maybe if I didn’t acknowledge it, I could pretend it never happened.
Mom agreed to pick me up, but she would need to go back to work after she took me home. That worked, I lied.
At home, I settled into bed and pretended to get ready for a sickness-induced sleep. “I’ll be fine, Mom, you just go right back to work. I just need to sleep.”

She conceded easily and hurried back to school.

With the house silent, I stood up and paced around the room, trying to absorb the events of the day, trying to absorb the sounds and tastes and smells and feelings. How could a day of dressing cool go so horribly wrong?

It came back to me—the smell of Peter’s balogna breath, the shaken image of Alex standing up for us, the peals of laughter coming from Jessi and Felicity, the throbbing of my heart, the feeling of utter terror, the suffocation of the stuffy cafeteria, the suffocation of school, the suffocation of my life.

I sprinted to the bathroom and started scrubbing. My washcloth attacked the eyeliner so much I nearly bled. I wouldn’t stop until it was all off. In a few minutes, my eyes were blotchy but clean.

I burst into tears. I started screaming about how much I hated Peter and middle school and popularity and loneliness and boredom and my body and life. The tears streaked my cheeks, and my voice became hoarse.

I was done. I needed to do something other than dressing differently or trying to be popular or writing a famous book.
Maybe I could join a sports team?

Yeah, with my hand eye coordination? And the teasing at school isn’t bad enough?

I could be in a play?

I hated plays—that was Olivia’s thing. I hated watching my own sister’s acting, let alone suffering through a show of my own.

Transfer schools?

Yeah, maybe I could transfer schools, maybe go to Catholic school or something.

My eyes felt as heavy as oatmeal. I thudded down the hall to my room, suddenly exhausted. I couldn’t do this anymore, that was for sure. I just needed sleep. Sleep would make everything better.

Somehow I garnered enough courage to go to school the next day. No longer did I strive to be popular. From now on, I wanted to be invisible.

I walked through the halls with my shoulders slouched and eyes down. Rather than my new clothes, I wore an oversized tee. I wanted to hide my “tits” from Peter Simmons’ sadistic cafeteria torture. Hey, I was a nothing. I might as well look like one.
How could I have even thought I’d be popular material? I was plain, nerdy. I was the editor of our middle school literary magazine, for goodness sake. Destined to be a loser.

I was so grateful when Lizzie suggested we eat lunch in the art room so she could finish her sketch. Lizzie was a talented artist, I realized as I chomped on my tuna salad sandwich, watching her shading a picture of a hallway. “Have you thought of being an artist?” I offered between bites.

Lizzie looked up, her brows furrowed in thought. “I could see it.” Her head lowered back to the painting. “You know, art is so… therapeutic. Even when life sucks, it’s there. It doesn’t decide to get divorced or call you names or move to stupid townhouses so far away from your children.”

We locked eyes for a minute. I felt instant guilt. Here I had been so self-absorbed when my best friend was clearly struggling. I wasn’t the only one in pain.

In an out-of-character lunge of affection, I squeezed Lizzie’s hand. She held it for a second and then furrowed her head back into the paper. Lizzie scribbled her black pencil so hard I thought it would break, but her strong façade was holding up well. I noticed a tear stream down her cheek.

We spent the rest of lunch in silence. It was the best lunch period I had had in a long time.

Lizzie and I ate lunch in the art room the rest of the week, and I began savoring our time together then. The art room was 25 minutes out of the day without judgmental squabbling or gossip.

On Friday, Lizzie looked sort of sheepish as she grazed on a salad. “I have a silly question to ask you. My dad is having a little housewarming party for his apartment tomorrow night, and I was wondering if you’ll come? It’s a few towns over, so I’ll pick you up, and maybe you could even sleepover after.”

I perked up. Lizzie was never one to invite people to things, especially not in the turbulent aftermath of her parents’ divorce. “Yeah, of course, I’d love to!”

I looked forward to it the rest of the weekend. Come Saturday night, I would have a social life again!

On Saturday morning I woke up early out of excitement. I lay in bed for a while, not cajoled even by my rumbling stomach. I was ready to get some breakfast, but then I remembered that Lizzie’s dad was a big eater and would probably have tons of food for us that night. I pat my stomach. I had developed a large appetite lately… maybe I could go easy during the day so I would feel less guilty about eating so much at night.

I lounged around the house all day, trying to ignore my grumbling stomach. I allowed myself to have a thin sandwich at lunch, but that was it. At Lizzie’s, I’ll get tons of food, I kept reminding myself.

By the time Lizzie’s dad picked me up, I was ready to eat an elephant. Rest assured, there were chicken wings, fries, and tons of desserts at hand at her dad’s apartment.

An assortment of Lizzie’s family friends and relatives were at the little soiree. Everyone was eating heartily, and I was happy to oblige. Lizzie and I played computer games for a while and made several trips for more food.

It seemed like I had a voracious appetite. I downed chicken wing after chicken wing, fry after fry, cookie after cookie, chocolate bar after chocolate bar. By the time the guests started heading home, I was still just getting started on the food. There was so much of it, and it looked so good. Even when I started getting nauseated, I continued eating.

Lizzie didn’t really notice what I was eating, but I still took it upon myself to “got to the bathroom” and stuff a few more brownies through my mouth on the toilet, just so Lizzie wouldn’t see.

I was feeling very ill. What was wrong with me? I was out of control. If I continued at this rate, I would be 400 pounds by next week!

I stopped eating only when Lizzie’s dad had put away the food and retired to bed. Lizzie yawned and said that she, too, was ready for bed. We set up our sleeping bags—Lizzie’s dad had yet to buy most of the furniture—and a few minutes later, I heard Lizzie snoring.

I was far from tired. Scared, anxious, panicked, sugar high—I was all of those things, but definitely not tired. My heart beat fast due to anxiety and excess sugar. I felt like crap. Did I want to keep eating uncontrollably like this?

Proper normal women ate like Lizzie, like Olivia, like Mom. They didn’t eat until their insides were about to burst. They didn’t eat too many desserts. They ate healthily.

Did I want to get fat? Did I want to gain tons of weight? I should be more like Jessi and Felicity, who got only salad for lunch.
I needed to do something. That’s it: I wouldn’t eat tomorrow. Well, maybe a little but not much. Yes, that was it. At the moment, with my gurgling, nauseous stomach, it sounded pretty appealing. It would be only for a day, and then I would go back to normal.

I was still so full by the morning, it was easy to resist breakfast. My stomach started churning by lunchtime, a few hours after I got home.

Everyone in my family was in the kitchen, grabbing lunchmeat and bread. “Want me to make you a grilled cheese?” Mom asked.

“Uh, no, I already ate at Lizzie’s,” I lied, hoping my growling stomach wasn’t a giveaway.

I sipped tea at the dining room table as the rest of my family ate and left. I had never noticed much about everybody’s eating habits. Did Ben always slurp his chicken noodle soup? Did Dad always devour his food in like 3 seconds?

Olivia was eating a hearty sandwich and a brownie. A shiver of ecstasy went up my spine. Maybe even after last night I wouldn’t get fat at all. Look at all that junk Olivia was eating! And I wasn’t eating any of it. She wasn’t fat, so I wouldn’t be fat because of a few nights of overeating, right? Just to make sure, all I needed to do was finish this day without food, and last night’s activities would be null and void. It was like penance.

My hunger at 4 PM scared me. I was as voracious as I had been last night pre-binge. I paced around my room, trying to distract myself from the hunger. I played checkers with Ben. I even cleaned my room.

I finally decided to go on a walk. It was relatively cloudy but decent enough walking weather.

My limbs plodded forward weakly. Come on, Carrie, you can do this. You wouldn’t have to do this if you hadn’t screwed up last night. You deserve this. It’s your fault.

Although I made it down the street, I was out of breath. Come on, fatty, come on. Do you want to get fat? Last night you were out of control. You deserve this! If you weren’t such a failure, you would have gotten to eat today.

The thoughts pressed me forward. Too hungry to silence them, I indulged these ideas that popped into my mind.

I was so exhausted after a block of walking, I headed home for a nap. A few hours later, Ben shook me awake. “Dinner’s ready!”

I was groggy, forgetting where I was, what day it was. Then I remembered: I wasn’t allowed to eat dinner. I stumbled downstairs to make an appearance at the table.

Mom had cooked meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. Ugh, it figured… mashed potatoes were my favorite! Starving, I slumped into my regular dining room chair. Everyone was already eating away. Shaking, I picked up a fork. No, you can’t do it. You can’t do it. Today’s no eating day. Don’t you dare eat a bite.

But I want to, I protested to myself.

Well, you can’t. Do you want to be fat?

I mashed the food around my plate, and systematically emptied it into a napkin.

Olivia was gushing about something. “Carrie… Carrie?”

It took me a minute. “Huh?” I muttered. Had she been talking to me?

“What is wrong with you today?” Olivia snapped. “Have you been paying any attention to what I’ve been saying?”

I shrugged, mashing more food around my plate. “Just tell me again.”

Shooting me an annoyed glance, Olivia nevertheless proceeded. “I am Leisel in The Sound of Music at Downtown Players. Isn’t that great?”

I forged some inkling of happiness. In reality, I didn’t care. I was wholly concentrated on one thing: food. The remaining mashed potatoes were staring at me, and without an adherence to the voice in my head, I forked a large bite through my mouth. Mmmmm… so delicious, so moist, so warm. A slice of heaven.

Immediately, I was attacked. Failure. You ruined everything. You weren’t going to eat today. Now you’re just going to get fat again. You’re such a failure.

In shame, I scooped the rest of my plate into the napkin and hid its contents discreetly in a pant pocket.

The day had been foggy. But only one thought blared its disapproval so loudly: You failed. Failure. Failure. Failure.

Stop, I thought weakly. It was just a bite, that’s all.

Yeah, one huge bite. A bite a fatty would take. Just for that, you need to try again tomorrow.

I pondered this. Could I try to not eat that much tomorrow? Why not? I didn’t really have anything else to do. In reality, as much as the day had been painstaking and exhausting, it was exhilarating. I had something to do that seemed meaningful. I had a task to complete. I felt proud, superior.

The next morning I ate a miniscule bowl of Cheerios and headed off to school. I felt simultaneously weak and victorious.
School was still mostly review, so I could tune out. Usually I would think about friends or cliques or what to do to keep myself occupied after school. Today, however, my thoughts wandered on their own.

The entire morning, I dreamed of a buffet… a full buffet, with roasted chicken and tons of fluffy, buttery mashed potatoes. Then of course, tons of dessert. I imagined eating each slice of cheesecake, each brownie, each cookie. I imagined the way the frosting settled on my taste buds. I imagined taking bowl after bowl of ice cream.

Unlike a real buffet, however, this buffet never ended. I kept eating and eating… until the bell rang and I marched to another classroom. Then the buffet would start again.

This imaginary buffet was great because I didn’t have to actually eat to access it. Why hadn’t I tried this before?
By lunch, I wasn’t even hungry anymore. Numb, dizzy, maybe, but not hungry. Lizzie and I retreated to the art room once again during the lunch period, and I savored an apple and some carrots. Lizzie was working on another sketch, and I decided to try as well.

I had never been an artist type, and it showed. My attempt at a cartoon person ended up looking deformed. I laughed at it, before sneaking a glance over at Lizzie.

In between bites of leftover casserole, Lizzie was sketching a beautiful flower pot. I felt utterly pathetic. Failure.
I had little homework that night and was bored after school. I roamed around the house listlessly. I didn’t have enough energy to concentrate on one thing. Standing for too long tired me. I just rotated around, doing a little math homework here, taking a nap there. Regardless of what I was doing, however, the dreams of a buffet haunted me. All day long, I was eating something on that buffet… cheesecake, ice cream, more potatoes, whatever.

By dinnertime everyone was still gone. Olivia called to say she would eat dinner after play practice. Dad was working late. Mom was watching Ben play soccer. I was to get myself a T.V. dinner.

I pulled out a frozen Macaroni and Cheese dish I might have normally heated for myself. I eyed it cautiously, as if it might be contaminated. I had never looked at a calorie count before, but I decided to. 350 per serving. 10 grams of fat. What did that even mean? Whatever it was, it was too much. I needed something a lot less.

The smell of the cheesy pasta nearly enticed me to rip it open and devour it frozen, but I resisted. I couldn’t eat that stuff anymore.

I scoured through the cupboards, scanning calorie counts. This one had 150 calories per bar, this one had 200 per ¼ cup. I devoured through the calorie labels for what must have been hours, my mind feasting on the labels. With numbers circling in my head, I chose a piece of bread with a little turkey on it. That couldn’t be that bad, right?

I was getting used to my new eating plan. It wasn’t so bad, really. If I needed any motivation, all I had to do was think of myself at Lizzie’s dad’s the other night, voraciously consuming everything in sight. If I wanted to stop eating so much, I had to train myself was all. If I wanted to get myself under control, I would just have to follow this for a while.

After another week or so of this kind of eating, I had to say, it was getting easier. I no longer was tempted by fatty junk food. When I passed up one of Mom’s fresh cookies, I saw it as strength, rather than temptation. I was getting good at knowing the calories in just about everything.

I was less miserable at school, for some reason. I was less stressed, less anxious… more numb. The only thing that mattered now was my imaginary buffet, which had become a staple of every spare moment. No longer did I care about stupid cliques and gossip. I was beyond all that.

One problem, however, was that we were done with review in all my classes, but I just couldn’t concentrate. On my most recent math test, I had gotten a C. I stared at the paper as if it were death. A C? What was wrong with me?

Failure. What a complete failure you are. I hung my head. It was true. I was a failure. You couldn’t do well on that test? Wow, you are never going to be anything in life.

I would have challenged the thought, but I didn’t have enough energy. I just submitted to its truth and hung my head the rest of the day. I would work harder next time.

Most of the time I was home alone after school, sometimes until the late evening. Mom was consumed with Ben’s sports, Dad was consumed with work, and Olivia was consumed with her play. For the first time, I was consumed with something.

I did some homework after school, but I got restless and agitated. I could concentrate better if I watched the Food Network, although inevitably the imaginary buffet would come up again.

I started a new hobby: cooking. I started with cupcakes, then milkshakes, then cookies, then carrot cake, then rich pasta alfredo. It was a high, getting a whiff of that rich frosting, the heavy cream, the blended ice cream, the raw cookie dough. Back in elementary school, I would have eaten all the cookie dough raw and forsaken the cookies. Now, however, I was stronger. I didn’t so much as touch the cookie dough, let alone the cookies.

Rather, I watched Ben and Mom and Olivia and Dad feast on my creations at night. I watched in glee as Olivia bit into a fudge brownie. Haha, she was going to get fat, and I wasn’t! Even Mom, slim even into middle age, couldn’t pass up a slice of carrot cake. I looked as the fork went into her mouth. It gave me pleasure to watch them eat. I always told them, “I’ve eaten already.” I had, sort of… I had the same piece of bread and slice of turkey every night. Of course, I refused to touch my baked goods. I knew better than that.

Within a month, I had dramatically less teenage angst. I wasn’t concerned about my lack of friends. I didn’t hate middle school so much. In a way, I was much happier. My food habits were solidified. No longer did I question why I ate so little. I just didn’t. Food was equated to fat.

I had a 24/7 hobby… food. I fell asleep by dreaming of food. I got through school by dreaming of food. I cooked up feasts all afternoon. I did homework with the Food Network on. During tedious weekends, I looked up the calories of my previously loved foods.

I started making motivation charts and food plans during lunch time. Lizzie continued extravagant sketches, while I drew pictures of my own. On one sheet, I drew a slim girl with an enlarged stomach. Below her, I drew a picture of a slim girl with an emaciated stomach. Between the girls, I scrawled, “Do you want to get fat? If you eat too much, you will look like this” (arrow to the girl with the engorged stomach). Then, “If you want to eat less, you will look like this” (arrow to the emaciated girl).
Then I wrote up mock food plans for myself, in which I urged myself to eat yet less. I scrawled, “Aim for a tablespoon of Cheerios rather than ¼ cup. Cut the turkey slice in half at night.”

It was all-consuming. The more I got into it, the more I loved it. Sure, I was more tired and less energetic. My math grades weren’t what they had been, but it was worth it. I was happy now.

On October 21st, I knew I was in trouble. My report card should be in the mail by now, and I knew my math grade wasn’t good. I was so ashamed. You should have gotten a better grade.

I stopped in the bathroom before walking home after school. As I was now accustomed to doing, I glared at myself roughly in the mirror. I had just begun noticing pockets of fat in my stomach, arms, and thighs. They just wouldn’t go away. Look how hard I had been working, and I still wasn’t thin. I was doomed to be fat forever. That’s why you need to eat less Cheerios.
On the way home I imagined a seafood buffet, and that kept me occupied until I walked through my door. To my shock, Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch, mouths pursed. Uh-oh. What had I done?

My heart beat against my chest. “What- what’s going on?” They must have gotten my report card. Now they knew I was a failure.

“Sit,” Dad offered, gravely.

I obeyed and braced myself.

“Mr. Timothy called us today,” Mom started. Oh no, the principal! Did he know about my math grade?

“I was going to tell you about math—”

“Hold on. It wasn’t really about the grade. You did get a B+ this quarter, which, for Olivia we would have been proud, but we know you could do better than that.” Mom continued.

My head hung. Did she have to say it out loud? I have never gotten a B anything in my life!

Dad began. “Mr. Timothy has been concerned from various teacher reports that you seem out of touch, not concentrating, too quiet, tired. Mom and I were thinking it over, and we agree that you have seemed a lot less energetic lately, very distracted.”
I thought it over. Maybe I had been less energetic, but it was only because I didn’t care about the things I used to care about. I was different now.

Mom added quietly, “He also noticed you’re a lot thinner since the beginning of the year.”

Thinner. The sound of the word reverberated in my eardrums. Thin… ME? I laughed out loud. “Are you kidding? I’ve been fatter! I can’t seem to get all this fat off me!” My tone was bitter, energetic.

Mom looked at me as if I were crazy. “Carrie, maybe you’d better get your eyes checked, because it does look like you’ve lost a lot of weight. We have never thought about it, because we see you every day, but looking back to September, it is concerning.”

“You know, I have been really tired lately. Maybe I have mono!” I suggested. That was a plausible explanation. After all, I had been so lethargic. It would make sense.

Mom and Dad seemed to accept that. “I’ll set an appointment up for you tomorrow,” she consented. With that, the conversation was over. I heaved a sigh of relief. Not that I was hiding anything exactly, but I wanted to make sure they didn’t want to stop what I had been doing eating-wise. They couldn’t ruin it. Nobody could.

I got to miss social studies to go to the doctor’s the next day. I flipped through cooking magazines as we waited… forever, it seemed. A nurse took me down the hall to get weighed. “Wait, get back on the scale,” she said, and I obliged.

When we got back in the room, the nurse reported, “Carrie, since you had your physical in August, you have lost 25 pounds!”

It took everything in me not to have a massive cheering session right there. I couldn’t hold back the smile on my face. Wow, it was really working! It was really working! Yessssss!

One look at Mom and the nurse, however, and I knew better than to indulge my happiness. “Carrie, are you happy about this? This is really dangerous!” Mom was cutting, concerned.

The nurse exchanged a few private words with Mom, and we were left waiting for the doctor for another period of time.
Mom flipped through her magazine with genuine concern wrinkling her face. Why was she so upset? This was great! I was actually getting good at something! This was good news!

She didn’t understand, and neither did the doctor. “Carrie, you have tested negative for mono, but we’ll leave the culture overnight just in case.” Dr. Miller then paused. “Have you been starving yourself?”

I nearly laughed. I ate way too much. What a silly question!

Another pause. “Carrie, do you think you’re fat?”

I rolled my eyes. She was saying it like I was some crazy psych ward patient. Mom watched intently for my answer. She looked horrified. “This is really stupid,” I replied saucily.

“Don’t be so rude, Carrie,” Mom snapped. I had never seen her this way. Come on, these people couldn’t be serious.
“25 pounds is a lot of weight to lose,” the doctor pressed slowly. “Usually people, especially growing girls, like yourself, don’t lose weight unless they’re very ill with mono or cancer… or if they’re making themselves lose weight.”

I stared blankly.

“I am worried that you might have anorexia nervosa,” Dr. Miller announced, pronouncing each syllable as if I were mentally retarded.

Oh, I see. So she thought I was some psychotic crazy person. Anorexia was for Karen Carpenter and celebrities and people who were actually skinny. I would have to get a lot skinnier before I could be concerned anorexic. “I think you’re full of shit,” I answered.

I thought Mom was going to kill me. Luckily, now the doctor was asking her questions. Did she know what anorexia was? Sort of, but no one in the immediate family had suffered from it. How long had Carrie been acting differently? A few months.
I was so violated. They were acting like I wasn’t sitting in the room in front of them.

“Patients with anorexia….” The doctor was saying, obviously referring to me as a mental case. What a complete bitch! I didn’t have to take this.

I lunged for the door, but Mom blocked me. “Carrie, I have never seen you like this!” Mom hissed, her eyes full of fire. “Sit down RIGHT NOW, or you’re in big trouble, young lady!”

Furious, I stomped back onto the table. I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the conversation. They were not going to ruin this for me. They were NOT going to ruin this for me! There was no way in hell I was going to listen to any of their stupid psychopath suggestions for me. I was fine, I was happy, and they’d do best to leave me alone.

The drive home was long. Mom was infuriated and worried. Her arms shook on the wheel a little.

What was the doctor’s problem? What was Mom’s problem? They’re jealous. They want you to be fat. I glared at her. Was that true? Were they trying to mess the one thing up in my life that made me happy? I wasn’t buying their act.

Mom was quiet the rest of the day. She decided to call in sick from work and spent the remaining afternoon hours cleaning, talking on the phone, going on the computer, and pacing around, mumbling to herself. All the while, her hands were shaking.
I was confused by her behavior but also defensive. I hated the snarky attitude they had had with me today, talking about me as if I wasn’t there, treating my as if I was a gorilla in a case study, like I wasn’t a rational, living, breath human being.

Mom talked to Dad for hours while he was still at work, and when Olivia came home from practice I heard them whispering. “Oh my gosh, really?” Olivia whispered, always the loud one.

Dinner was a battle ground. I felt like a specimen. Mom had made burgers, which I sure as hell was not eating. I could practically see the fat oozing out. Not happening. I tried to mush the food around my plate as usual.

Dad’s face grew red. He looked as angry as when the Cubs lost a game (which was often). “Carrie, eat your burger.”

Silence.

Olivia stopped mid-bite. Ben furrowed his brow. Mom’s fork shook. Dad was seething.

I was taken aback, but then equally angry. “No!” Who did he think he was? I wasn’t going to eat the burger, and he couldn’t make me.

Dad was appalled at my retort. “Excuse me, young lady, but I have told you to eat your burger, and you better eat your burger.”

My eyes turned to ice. I stared back at him, defiant. “NO!”

“You are not leaving this table until you eat that burger,” Dad continued, his face more flushed than a strawberry. His cheeks were puffed, swollen, his eyes withered. I had never seen him so angry.

I met his look. “Watch me.” With that, I stormed from the table and sprinted upstairs to my room. After I slammed the door shut, I waited a minute until I wasn’t so winded. Then I proceeded to do some push ups.

After the stupid appointment with Dr. Bitch, my life became a living hell. Nobody had noticed anything until the whole condescending “anorexia” conversation. Now Mom and Dad had become the food police, and Olivia looked at me strangely.

A few days later, during English class, I was dreaming of an endless bowl of spaghetti when the classroom phone rang. Mrs. Giordano answered it and promptly relayed the message, “Carrie, please report to the office.”

All the kids oohed, as was customary, and with an eye roll, I gathered the energy to walk down the stairs to the office.
An odd looking woman with fish eyes blinked toward me. “Carrie?” After I nodded, she extended a hand. “I’m Mrs. Potter, the guidance counselor.”

You had to be kidding me. I bet my parents had set me up to this! Fuck them. I was seething by the time we got to her office.
“Tell me about yourself,” she started, her disgusting fishy eyes drooping.

All I could think about is how delicious fish sounded right now… and that I was furious to be there. “Um, I’m a seventh grader here, and I don’t really know why I’m being taken away from my education to sit here.” I was a little caustic, but I didn’t care. Lately all politeness had seemed to go out the window.

“Well, Carrie, some people are concerned that you have a problem with food,” Her fish eyes rested back on me.

How stupid was this lady? A problem with food? Did she think I was too incompetent to put a fork to my mouth? “I think ‘some people’ need to be concerned about themselves.”

Silence. Fish lady was grappling with her words. “Did you know anorexia nervosa is a serious condition?”

There it was. That stupid term again. I was fidgety and squirmy at the sound of it. “So put me in a mental ward, lady. Is that what you want?” I was getting more livid by the second.

“That’s not what anyone wants,” she reassured, her words so slow I wanted to punch her in the face. “We want you to be well. And I’m just going to ask you a few questions.”

I acquiesced temporarily. The questions were typical: are you trying to lose weight? Do you think you’re fat? How are you trying to lose weight?

I was as vague as possible. I wasn’t really trying to lose weight, I was trying to be healthy. No, I wasn’t that fat. I was just probably not eating enough. Was that all?

She tried a few more times, but I didn’t budge an inch. Luckily I was released back to English before the period ended.
At lunch, Lizzie noticed that I was a little more than distracted. “Is everything okay?”

I was taking baby bites from a baby carrot. “Yeah, my parents are just being annoying.”

Lizzie shook her head vehemently. “I know how that goes,” she sympathized. And just like that, she was fooled.

Unfortunately, it was getting hard to fool my parents, who followed me like hawks. They were so persistent, and the more they tried to get me to open up, the more I shut down. They didn’t get me.

Olivia now treated me like an alien. She would shoot me strange looks, but besides that, she was quiet.

One night, Mom came into my room, looking very upset. “When is this going to end, Carrie? When?” She was near tears.
My muscles tightened. “When will what end, mother?”

She ignored me. “How much weight do you want to lose? How much more? When will it be enough?”

I had lost another 10 pounds the second time I saw the doctor. The second time, I was equally happy at my weight loss, and Mom and Dr. Bitch were equally horrified.

I considered her question. When would it be enough? I didn’t know. I didn’t have a particular number in mind. But in my mind it was a one-way street: weighing less was better. I softened a little.

“Do you want to die?” Mom was quieter this time. The tears were obvious now.

I considered her question. Did I want to die? She just wants you fat. She just wants you to pork up and be miserable again. I was so fatigued I could barely think. I hardly knew what I was saying anymore. The words just came out, “Well, maybe I do.”

Suddenly, my feet led me down the stairs and out the door. The air was icy, especially because I had been frozen at anything under 70 degrees recently. I didn’t have anywhere to go, anything to do. I just needed to escape.

Everything had been perfect until people wanted to interfere. They weren’t going to mess this up for me. I was not giving in. I was stubborn, I was willful, and they would just have to shove it.

I walked a few blocks, then decided I might as well take the opportunity to burn some extra calories on a late night run. Although I was in no condition to do so, I started running… at least until my feet grew shaky. I stumbled and suddenly felt my knees hit the pavement. There was a feeling of blood and silence… then sirens, and people talking. I was semi-conscious through this stream of shadows. The next thing I fully remember, I was in a hospital bed with an IV in my arm and something beeping.

I noticed Mom sitting in a waiting chair, resting her head. When she saw I had awoken, she jerked awake.

Groggy, my words sounded infused with syrup. “What happened?”

“You fell running in the neighborhood across from ours. Dad and I came looking for you just in time,” She seemed vacant.
I had a huge headache. The clock on the wall read 5. I was guessing that was AM? I didn’t even know what day it was. I had screwed it up this time. Fainting people have no credibility on their medical conditions. I was sure I’d have to suffer another stupid lecture and more condescending stares.

I felt like I wore a book A on my forehead, like everyone was judging me, “ANOREXIC, ANOREXIC.” The term made me ill. I hated everything about that word—the big puppy eyes of sympathizers, the strange stares, the whole “Let’s talk about her so she can hear us but pretend she’s not listening.”

So fine, maybe I had been trying to lose weight. Maybe I had kind of been in a trance lately. Maybe I wasn’t myself. Maybe there was something wrong.

But I was still myself. I wasn’t psychotic or crazy. I wasn’t a specimen or prisoner. I was just being dedicated, that was all. There wasn’t something so wrong to warrant such harsh responses.

How had I gotten here, anyway? A mess of words and pictures flashed through my mind. I sighed. So much more was about to unfold, I knew it. I didn’t want to be peppered with another single question about my eating habits. I didn’t want Olivia to treat me like I had AIDS anymore. I didn’t want to feel diseased or different. All I ever wanted to fit in. All I wanted to be was normal.
I thought back to the first day of seventh grade, when I cared so much about what people thought of me, when I was so miserable and lonely. Maybe I was still miserable and lonely, but I was numb to it now, and dammit, I was thin. The girl who bounced to school in September was dead. A new regime was in town.

I both longed for the old, simplicity of childhood and reviled at it. In a strange, maybe unexplainable, way, I was happier in this hospital bed than I had been any other time in my life.

Everybody seemed very intent on helping me right now. They wanted me to see that I was sick, that I was weak, that I was dying inside, slowly.

It was as if multiple life boats were extending floats to me. But I didn’t know if I wanted that float. Maybe, just maybe, I wanted to drown.

A Banquet in the Grave

2010-04-06T14:54:00.000-07:00

At the Kensington Easter service this weekend, the message was about the Resurrection story according to Luke. In Luke 24, when women came to the location of Jesus' tomb, two men met them (presumably angels). They said (verses 5-6), "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He (Jesus) is not here; he has risen!"

How hard is it to live in that reality, that Jesus is risen? It is hard to live in victory when it seem easier to live in death. (When I'm talking about death and the grave in the next few moments, I'm going to refer to anything that means settling on God's best. It means addictions, sin, even a mediocre life.)

Ed Welsh wrote a book on addictions called, "A Banquet in the Grave," and recently I've been pondering that title. How true it is!

Screw the whole John 10:10 Jesus wanting us to have life to the full. It seems a lot more comfortable to pack a picnic and hang out in the graveyard. At least you know what to expect. At least it keeps you safe... kind of.

I like watching the show Intervention. It first follows an addict and his/ her family and friends so the viewer can see the extent of the addiction. Then, mental health professionals come in and arrange an intervention for this behavior (hence the title). The show ends with a meeting between the addict and loved ones, as each loved one reads a letter why the addict should seek treatment.

The hardest part of the show to watch is video footage of the alcoholic in his normal environment. You see the alcoholic yell, scream, pass out, insult family members. You see the loved ones upset, crying, afraid, hurt.

You want to be like, "PUT THE FREAKING BOTTLE DOWN, YOU IDIOT!! You're ruining your family, your career, everything! Just STOP!"

And guess what? The alcoholic wants to stop as much as you want him to (usually....)! He knows it's irrational and harmful (usually). But it's harder than it sounds.

Because he's having a jolly old banquet in the grave. He's looking for the living among the dead.

In the cycle of addiction, it's hard to emerge from the darkness wanting to see what life has to offer. Life is comfortable in an addiction or behavior... It numbs out all the pain.

Christ has freed us from everything-- from complacency, from pain, from compulsions, from ineffective behaviors. To access that freedom, I don't think you just need to pray harder or read your Bible more. I believe that therapy can work. I believe that rehab can work. I believe that long talks with friends over coffee can work. I believe anti-depressants can work. And anti-depressants are a thing of God, let me tell you.

Full recovery is possible because death no longer has power over us. We have been freed from everything that isn't God's glorious standard. The tomb is empty, and Christ is victorious.

But we have to fight for that freedom. Satan prowls around devouring people left and right, and he whispers the lie, "It's good enough." One drink won't hurt.... We have to fight for it every day, every hour, every minute....

Don't be mistaken, however, there is not a battle between God and Satan like, "Who's going to win?" The battle is already won: God has defeated Satan. Right now, we're just in the waiting period, in which the Good News is both a present and future event.

We, as Christians, should be the most bold to address mental health issues. There should be no room for shame or secrecy. The Gospel is not a call for people who are good enough: it is a call for people who NEED help!! It is a call for people who know they need God.

There is a reason AA in constructed on the belief in a Higher Power: you can't possibly get into recovery in your own strength.

Jesus' resurrection has defeated the powers of evil. He has overcome that seductive but evil banquet in the grave.

I'm back!!

2010-04-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

I am re-activating my blog! It has been a while since I’ve written for public viewing, as I’ve had to deal with personal issues.

An update on my life: I am back from Arizona and living at home, trying to find a job. After much irritation, I have graduated from Calvin College with my BA in psychology. I have been accepted to the Masters of Divinity programs at Trinity Evangelical, Western (Holland), Princeton, and Fuller, and the PhD. in clinical psychology at Fuller.

Due to the life-altering events of the last several months, I have re-evaluated my priorities, and that has implications on my future. When I decided to study religion and be pre-seminary, I did so without clear career objectives in mind. Being a minister/ pastor never seemed right for some reason.

When I got to Calvin, I wanted to explore my potential call to ministry, which had happened the year before. I was very focused on theology—I didn’t go to churches that believed in traditional gender roles/ women not being pastors. I became fixated on the issue of women in ministry, but I wonder now if that was merely a front for the possibility that I was not being called to ministry. It’s possible that my frustration about gender and the church was an excuse because I actually didn’t want to be a pastor.

I did the Jubilee Fellows class in the spring and did my internship that summer. Heartland was the best experience of my life. I came to this church that was so genuine and raw. The people I met were unabashedly struggling, perhaps with alcoholism, family issues, financial problems, whatever, but they were followers of Christ. They really believed Jesus could save them from it all—and often, He did.

For the last year or so, I had found “Christianity” to be synonymous with “fake” and “inauthentic.” This refreshingly real church provided healing to my soul. At the end of the summer, I went to a Celebrate Recovery conference at Rick Warren’s church in California. There, our group had a bonfire, at which we all told how God had delivered us from our struggles.

I wasn’t planning on telling them anything. I was used to hiding my secrets from others, and this was no exception. Somehow, however, it came out… my pent up pain, my “secret.”

I was convinced that everyone would judge me, now that they knew. All I got were hugs and Kleenex for my tears. They accepted me, and they told me that God accepted me. That moment was pivotal in my life. Never before had I met Christians who were so real about their issues and didn’t try to sugarcoat the hell of addiction. It was around then that I started planning to go to Arizona as soon as I graduated (although it didn’t exactly work out that way).

At that moment, theology became a real love for the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus was not some fake happy person who wanted me to just “man up” and be happy because Christians shouldn’t have problems. He felt my pain, on a gut-wrenching, visceral level, and He loved me even in spite of this.

Over the course of the summer, I began questioning my love of theology, perhaps as a career.

At the church, I realized how easy it is for my to over-intellectualize God, rather than dwell and live in Him. Knowledge about is not equivalent to knowing. I knew a lot ABOUT God, but I didn’t really know Him.

Rockford was a very blue-collar town, and no one had much theological training. Yet, these people KNEW God in a real way. I learned there that theology can be a stumbling block. I can read 5 commentaries about the book of John, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I can live out and BELIEVE the Jesus portrayed in the book of John. Theology can be an idol. Jesus most criticized the Pharisees, those who knew so much and didn’t put it into practice. Jesus loved when people just trusted and followed Him—people who had the faith of a child running into Father’s arms.

Maybe I knew a lot academically, but I was realizing how much I didn’t know about following Christ.

That summer, I got a lot of feedback about tasks at which I excelled and didn’t excel. Heartland was large enough for me to get involved with a variety of projects. My favorite was Monvee, new spiritual growth software. I also worked with the head of pastoral care, and I enjoyed that very much. I gravitated, interestingly, to most of the non-pastoral roles in the church. I was interested in research-related projects, ones in which I could combine theology and psychology.

People who worked with me validated my academic inclinations and propensity to look deeply into the underlying theological-psychological aspects of the church. It was obvious that youth ministry was not my thing, and neither was business.

I came from the church convinced that true Christianity was about surrendering all over to Christ and following Him every day. I believe that people who don’t understand the Trinity will go to Heaven. Yet, I am not sure that the skeptical person who knows every intellectual model for the Trinity but doesn’t really believe in God will go to Heaven. Theology is not nearly as important as life change.

That fall, I wanted to find a church at Calvin that was like Heartland—a church that wanted people to address their issues and follow Christ. I threw the “women’s ministry” issue out the window. If a church loved Jesus and believed in traditional gender roles, I would attend it. Gender roles are secondary to the Gospel.

I wasn’t in Grand Rapids for long after finding a solid church. I soon left for Arizona. My program in Arizona was Christian-based, and we had daily chapel. All of the staff were Christian, and most of the patients were Christian.

There, it became even more evident to me that theology is nothing if not met with devotion to Him. I met girls who loved Jesus but were struggling with the same things I was struggling with. The faith here was so raw. There were few discussions about eschatology or church politics or gay marriage. It was more, “How can I get through this day without doing behaviors? Can I trust God with my life?”

Intellectual arguments rarely win people over to Christ. Those who aren’t Christians can list off a string of problems they have with doctrine. Yes, these questions should be addressed and answered, but it is not about intellect so much as it is about the heart.

The people I’ve met who don’t follow Christ often have:

- had a bad experience with another Christian/ group of Christians, and they don’t want anything to do with it

- no desire to follow God because there’s no reason for them to- they have faith in something else- reason, science, the government, an addiction whatever

- negative feelings toward God- something has perhaps happened to them/ a family member and they are angry at God over it

Those are the real reasons they don’t follow Christ.

I am interested in the 3rd reason people aren’t Christians. This is the boy who has prayed for years that God would take away his chronic pain and He hasn’t… so he stopped pain. This is the person caught in the thrust of addiction, who can’t see a way out. This is the woman who can’t wake up each day because she’s so hopeless, and God is so distant. This is where psychology and theology start to interact.

Mental health and religion are directly correlated. Mental illness is a nasty thing, and it takes sufferers away from God and the life He has for them. The church can have issues addressing personal problems inhibiting them from following Christ.
It is easy to cast psychological issues as faith deficiencies (“If I trusted God more, I wouldn’t worry”), rather than addressing the possibility that anxiety and depression might be from biological problems. Other churches don’t address psychology at all, leaving that to the “secular realm.”

For spiritual growth to happen, however, congregants must be psychologically healthy. It is an issue that impacts the church.
I wrote my senior thesis last year about biblical counseling, which describes conservative evangelicals’ issues with psychology. Some people dismiss psychology as a godless discipline and promote Christian counseling instead.

Now that I’ve viewed Christianity from many lenses, I believe the integration and interaction between psychology and theology is shaky, at best.

I have pretty much ruled out the possibility of being a pastor, and I believe getting a doctorate in theology will still not be the right path for me. I am hoping to go to Fuller Theological Seminary next year to study clinical psychology, hoping to bridge the gap between solid clinical psychology and theology and the church. At Fuller, I would still get a masters in theology, so I would get both psychological and theological degrees.

I have yet to make up my mind, so stay tuned.

Moralistic Therapeutic Deism

2009-10-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

So, I have added two schools to my applications list:
1. Baylor/ Truett Theological Seminary in Waco, Texas, which has a joint MDiv and MSW program
2. Candler School of Theology, part of Emory University in Atlanta

That's what happens when you talk to a bunch of recruiters at a seminary fair and they give you a voucher to apply for admission for free. Hey, I'm a sucker for free applications, especially when I've already written like 10 essays that are ready to go. So here is the summary of my applications which are currently in, divided into programs:

MDiv:

Princeton Theological Seminary
Fuller Theological Seminary
Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (in Deerfield, IL)

MDiv/ MSW joint program:

Western Theological Seminary (in Holland, MI)
Baylor/ Truett (in Waco, TX)

PsyD programs:

Fuller Theological Seminary (I applied for two programs at Fuller, one for theology and one for psychology)
Rosemead School of Psychology/ Biola University (in southern CA)

Right now I'm waiting on profs to fill out references, so I probably won't here back for a while. I do have an interview via Skype on Wednesday, which is bizarre (an interview on Skype... when I have never even used Skype before... hopefully it will work out....).

In other news, this is an interesting website that we used for biology to calculate our "ecological footprints." Calvin is big on "sustainable development" and keeping our "carbon footprints" low, but this website really helped put things in perspective for me and how much energy I use in relation to the energy I should be using.

http://www.footprintnetwork.org/en/index.php/GFN/page/personal_footprint/

In my youth ministry class, I've read this awesome book by Christian Smith (the sociologist who came to Calvin a few weeks ago). This book is on American teenagers and religion. Here are some interesting excerpts from the book as I wrote about in my paper. I found the most important part of the book about "moralistic therapeutic deism," which is an ideological framework that Smith believes in prevalent in teenagers:

A particularly interesting finding was in the chapter, “God, Religion, Whatever,” which explains a growing “religion” Smith labels as “moralistic therapeutic deism,” which contains the following attributes:

1. A God who created and orders the world and watches over human life on earth.
2. God wants people to be good, nice, and fair to each other, as taught in the Bible and by most world religions.
3. The central goal of life is to be happy and to feel good about oneself.
4. God does not need to be particularly involved in one’s life except when God is needed to resolve a problem.
5. Good people go to heaven when they die

This theological position asserts the central to a good and happy life is “about attaining subjective well-being, being able to resolve problems, and getting along amiably with other people” (164). Smith also says that elements of moralistic therapeutic deism “are normally assimilated by degrees, in parts, admixed with elements of more traditional religious faith,” like a parasite attaching itself to an existing religious tradition (166). Smith states that in interviews, teens mentioned “personally sinning or being a sinner” 47 times, while discussing “the grace of God” 3 times (see the more conclusive list on page 167). Teenagers mentioned “personally feeling, being, getting, or being made happy” a whopping 112 times, “feeling good about oneself or life” 99 times, and “feeling better about oneself or life 92 times!

Grad School Essays

2009-10-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

I am FINALLY finished with grad school essays (I think....) and I am sooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I'd post a few here for your reading amusement. They are not necessarily good but they are DONE and that is the opportune word these days.

My general spiritual autobiography (that I tailored to fit each grad school):

I am the daughter of a secular Jewish humanist and a staunch Episcopalian, so my birth was celebrated with the unlikely combination of a Jewish baby naming and a baptism within weeks of one another. My mom raised my brothers and I at her childhood Episcopal church, St. James, and it was there where I spent my first 18 years of religious education. Growing up at St. James, I was involved in everything. I was a part of the choir, annual Christmas pageant, children’s bell choir, and of course, Sunday school. As I became a teenager, my church roles expanded to that of an acolyte, lector, and Sunday school teacher. It was at St. James where I celebrated my First Communion and confirmation.

As a child, I was spiritually hungry. At age three I told my mom that I wanted to be a "storyteller for God." I additionally expressed frustration that I couldn't write a gospel (why did Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John get to have all the fun?).

I grew up believing what I mimicked in church every week—weekly I’d sit through the Sunday morning liturgy, repeating the Lord's Prayer and Nicene Creed. I believed the words, but I didn't fully understand. When I was 13, I first heard a comprehensive presentation of the Gospel at an evangelical summer camp. On that cool Michigan summer night, I remember looking into the starry sky, for the first time able to connect the dots of my faith. That night I officially developed a personal relationship with Christ.

I returned to my church as a passionate convert who was quickly frustrated by the lack of zeal at my home church. I returned to that summer camp for several years, and those experiences nourished my growing faith.

During my teenage years, I hobbled along in my walk of faith, simultaneously committed to God but plagued with personal issues that impeded my emotional and spiritual growth. The summer before I entered college, I sunk to an all-time low and didn't know what else to do but turn to God. In this pit of despair, I realized that without God I was nothing. The Lord met me in that low spot and slowly nursed me back to the life He intended for me.

That summer, God began putting the pieces of my life back together, and it was an incredible time of growth and healing. I consider myself to have been a Christian prior to this time, but at age 18, during this dry season, I started following God with everything I had.

I started college at the University of Michigan that fall, and naturally, I began taking religion classes out of personal interest. God had saved me, and I loved Him, so I wanted to learn more about Him. After two years at U of M, I felt the Spirit calling me to finish my undergraduate studies at a Christian institution. Since then I have been at Calvin College, and I will complete my B.A. in December.

During the winter of my sophomore year of college, I felt God calling me to ministry for the first time. I am gifted in teaching, writing, and helping others, so ministry was always a potential career option, but I was waiting for God’s distinct calling on my life before proceeding in that direction. I came to Calvin struggling with my call to ministry, and I have been given so many opportunities to discern the meaning of this call.

Last year I was selected as a Jubilee Fellow, for which I took a semester long class on ministry taught by seasoned pastors and was given the chance to do a summer internship at a church. This last summer, I was an intern at Heartland Community Church in Illinois, and it was the best experience of my life.

Coming into the final stretch of my college career, I have fewer answers than questions, but I know that God is leading me. Right now, I am not seeking ordained ministry, but I definitely feel called to do work related to the church. I am invigorated by academic study and would love to pursue doctoral work in psychology or theology, which would potentially lead to becoming a professor.
I could also see myself working for a large church or parachurch organization, especially in which I could do work related to spiritual growth or other matters of practical theology.

Although I don’t have a solidified career plan, I am open to the Spirit’s movement in my life. I have been so blessed in the past several years with opportunities that have stretched me spiritually and emotionally. I have been able to intern at a church, work alongside a chaplain at the University of Michigan Hospital, see the Holy Lands, attend several ministry conferences, and talk with so many people about their lives in full time ministry.

A theological issue that has engaged me recently:

One theological issue that has engaged me recently is the newly coined developmental period called emerging adulthood and its implications on the church. My thoughts on this topic are partly provoked by a recent lecture Notre Dame's Christian Smith gave at Calvin College. "Emerging adulthood" refers to 18-29 year olds in industrialized countries, who are spending more time in between adolescence and adulthood. People in this age range are typically delaying marriage, childbirth, and settling down in general. Christian Smith presented his research findings of 18-23 year olds from his longitudinal study entitled the National Study of Youth And Religion. While the face of young adulthood is changing, Smith lamented that churches are largely oblivious of this cultural trend, and at their peril. I know many pastors who struggle to engage college students, and part of the problem is that the Church is largely unaware of these developmental shifts. It is impossible to reach a demographic (20-somethings) that those in ministry leadership don’t really understand. As a college student who sees the necessity of spiritual formation during the college years, I find the topic of emerging adulthood to be of utmost importance.

"In one paragraph, describe how your pursuit of theological education would help you to be of benefit to the greater church." (Princeton)

I grew up learning that if you want to have a pleasant conversation, it’s best to avoid two subjects, one being religion (and the other being politics). Why? Few people share the same theological convictions. What is “plain” to me is a mystery to my Jewish father and absurd to my agnostic cousin. Even attending a school with a common theological denominator, the Christian Reformed tradition, I have found that people disagree over quite significant issues. Theological education will not resolve the world’s differences, but a theological education does help in discerning these difficult questions and helping others do likewise. My school, Calvin College, puts precedence on theological education because beliefs guide behavior. To give an example from eschatology, if I believe that God will renew this world we currently inhabit (a postmillenial understanding), I will treat the earth differently than if I think God will destroy this earth and create a new one (a dispensationalist understanding). Since I am interested in ministry leadership or teaching in secondary education, I find a seminary education to be an essential part of helping the greater church.

"Why Fuller?"

My friends quip that I'm like a walking advertisement for Fuller, and it is true that Fuller is my first choice for graduate school. As I've looked at graduate schools, Fuller's name has come up again and again. My college has significant ties to Fuller, and even current Fuller president Richard Mouw is a former Calvin professor. Thus, I met with a Fuller representative at my school's seminary fair and loved everything I heard about Fuller. I have also met several Fuller alumni who strongly recommended the school to me (especially Gordy Smith and Julie Marks).

Last January I decided to visit and loved it. (Automatically, I loved Fuller for the sheer reason that I was visiting southern California from Michigan... during the month of January.) Even with the weather aside, Fuller has all the ingredients I desire in a graduate school: firm theological footing, evangelical convictions, academic excellence, outstanding programs in psychology and theology, passion for the Gospel, and intercultural commitment. During my visit, I loved everything about Fuller-- the library, the class I attended on Pentecostal theology, the campus tour, and the visits with various students and professors.

Specifically, I love that students have the ability to take classes in all three schools. I have interests in psychology, theology, and intercultural studies, so this option is ideal for me. The variety of classes offered has whet my academic appetite, and I am eager to learn these enthralling subjects with world-class faculty. In addition, I am impressed by the prestigious Integration Symposium and Travis Research Institute. The fact that Fuller is supportive of women in ministry is also a refreshing distinction of the seminary. I also like the fact that Fuller is interdenominational and has significant opportunities for spiritual formation.

More than these specific academic distinctions, however, I wish to study at Fuller most because I can see myself thriving there spiritually, academically, and emotionally. Fuller's academic excellence in both theology and psychology inspires me. I am confident that as a Fuller student I will receive an incredible education but also be further conformed in Christ's image in the process. Fuller's distinction to academic excellence and passionate pursuit of God is what compels me to this seminary.

Fuller's Travis Research Institute has a Center for Research in Psychotherapy and Religion, which pinpoints my current research interests. I would love to work on the Spirituality, Language and Behavioral Transformation project under Dr. Dueck. I am interested in a host of other research topics, such as the nature of psychotherapy and Christianity and how the church regards and uses psychological principles. I would also love to explore the relationship of spiritual growth and psychopathology.

Christian Smith: Souls in Transition

2009-10-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

I also wanted to discuss what I heard from Christian Smith's lecture. Christian Smith is a sociologist at Notre Dame who did some fascinating research on teenagers-young adults and their spirituality. He has written many books, many of which I intend to read if I have any TIME ever. He presented research in this particular lecture that is associated with his new book, Souls in Transition, which is about the spiritual lives of 18-23 year olds. This goes along nicely with my last post/ other things I've been thinking about.

His research findings can be found on his website http://www.youthandreligion.org/.

At the lecture he described "emerging adulthood" (again, see my last post). Some characteristics he gave to this time period of ages 18-29: extensive life transitions, instability, sense of vast opportunities and hope for personal life (although there is not so much hope for politics, etc.), confusion, anxiety, and self-obsession. So, Smith's question is: "What happens to religious faith and practice in emerging adulthood?" His research is on ALL religions (including atheism) so this is not just research on Christians).

Here are some cultural and structural features of dominant religious culture of 18-23 year olds (now, this is the 18-23 year old norm, he is painting in broad strokes):

-Religion is not a threatening topic to this demographic.
-They're indifferent to religion, don't think it is relevant.
-They think there are "shared central principles" of religions, that all religions are good.
-They think that religious particularities are peripheral (i.e. the point of religion is to make you a good person).
-Assumption that religion is an "elementary school for morals," or like driver's ed- you go to church to help you be a good person
-Don't feel like churches are places of belonging
-Friends hardly talk about religion
-Religion beliefs= cognitive assents (statements of belief), rather than life drivers, i.e. religion is something you say you believe in rather than something that guides your daily life
-You can take or leave what you want of a religion- it is like a buffet, you can take a little bit of Hinduism, a little Judaism, mix it around
-Evidence and proof trump "blind faith"- emphasis on positivist science, empiricism
-Little hostility toward mainstream religion
-Faith= a personal, private matter, not social or institutional- don't need the church
-No way to finally know what's true (interchange the words "belief" and "opinion"

These characteristics reflect what's going on in adult culture and reflect this idea that religion= moralism.

Smith identified 6 major types of religious "types" of 18-23 year olds:

1. Committed traditionalists- 15%- these are your typical white protestants, Mormons, evangelicals
2. Selective adherents- 30%- buffet style religious people, taking a little from different religions
3. Spiritually open- 15%- but not actively pursuing faith
4. Religiously indifferent- 25%
5. Religiously disconnected- 5%- know nothing of religion at all
6. Irreligious- 10%

In terms of how 18-23 year old's faith changed since their teenage years, many 18-23 year olds had a stable religious trajectory (22.6%). 27.1%'s religiosity had a "shallow decline" into the college years. 17.4% of 18-23 year olds had a "low stable" decline compared to the teenage years. The majority had relatively stable religious transition going from teenage years into the early 20s.

Factors that correlated with stable commitment:
1. Personal faith commitment
2. Committed and practicing parents
3. Other supportive religious adults in the congregation
4. Sexual chastity
5. Being made fun of by others for faith (!!!!!- but can be explained by social psychology)

Less important factors:
1. Church attendance
2. Religion helped with moral decisions

So parents matter in helping form their children's faith!! They matter a lot.

I leave you with what Smith wrote in his thought-provoking book Soul Searching (on teenagers). One of his chapters is entitled, "God, Religion, Whatever." That is sooooooo what I see many people my age (not at Calvin, I'm thinking more at U of M) believing about religion.

Smith also describes this interesting "religion" called "moralistic therapeutic deism":

1. A God exists who created and orders the world and watches over human life on earth.
2. God wants people to be good, nice, and fair to each other, as taught in the Bible and by most world religions.
3. The central goal of life is to be happy and to feel good about oneself.
4. God does not need to e particularly involved in one's life except when God is needed to resolve a problem.
5. Good people go to heaven when they die.

He summarizes it in this way: "In short, God is something like a combination Divine Butler and Cosmic Therapist: he is always on call, takes care of any problems that arise, professionally helps his people to feel better about themselves, and does not become too personally involved in the process" (165).

Emerging Adulthood: Implications for the Church

2009-10-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to write for several days now, but I keep having so much to do!! Applying to grad school is such a grievous and highly time consuming process. I had to take 2 GREs-- regular and psychology subject test. Then I have to write like a million essays for different schools that don't seem to overlap. And I need to get recommendation letters. And fill out forms. And mail things. And fax things. And write, write, write!! I seriously need to get these stupid applications out for the sake of my mental health and SANITY!! AHHH!!! They're driving me crazy!!

Lately there have been several things come up that all relate to a broader issue of life development as a whole. First let me describe the factors that have led me to write on the subject of evangelicals and life stages.

First, Christianity Today recently had the following title for its front page: "The Case for Early Marriage." Now, the pressure on young evangelicals to marry is obscenely high, and I sense that every moment of my senior year at Calvin College. So this article just irritated me a LITTLE bit. Or more like it hit a nerve. Basically, I was pissed.

Now the writer is Mark Regnerus, and I later looked him up online, and he's written several articles along this line. His article basically was like, "Abstinence only stuff isn't working. People want to have sex young. We're getting married too late. Let's get married younger so we can have sex." He then goes through some of the "objections" to young marriage and describes why young marriage is a good idea. Now, this article left me shaking my head on so many levels. I hardly know where to start.

Then a few weeks ago, my roommate, having seen my Christianity Today, wrote an editorial on why young marriage is good. Access it here: http://clubs.calvin.edu/chimes/article.php?id=4077. What you have to understand about my roommate is that she dated this guy for ONE month, they got engaged, now he dropped out of school and is in military training, will be deployed to Afghanistan less than a year after their marriage, which is JANUARY (they've dated for less than six months now), and she is willing to follow him around and live in army base camps even when he's gone. She is a VERY smart person and has a full ride to Calvin, while her fiance dropped out, but she is putting aside her dreams to follow around her college-dropout Afghanistan bound hubby. So that's her perspective coming into this article. She is getting married at 21 and thinks others should too.

Now, the culmination of these two articles has basically left me speechless. I mean, there's something so wrong with Regnerus' (and my roommate's) arguments. It's asserting that we are animals. We need sex. When you get to college, it's best to find a mate so you can DO IT and God will put a stamp of approval on it.

But I have gotten to thinking, and I don't think this is just about marriage. People tend to take really big theological issues and pinpoint them on one specific behavior, in this case marriage. Two more examples: the arguments over women in ministry and homosexuality are not about women in ministry and homosexuality. They are REALLY about the Bible and what it means for us today: how should we read it? how can we apply the words of Scripture to our lives? That is why more liberal mainline denominations (Episcopal, Methodist, Presbyterian USA) ordain women and allow homosexuality. They have a more liberal interpretation of Scripture.

So this recent battle over young marriage is really an issue of time.

What changed between 1900 and now?

Well, people are living more. Like a lot longer. Most people today can expect to live until the ripe age of 80 or so, and people back in the day were dying off at like 40 or 50. We have more time! As a result, the developmental life span has been changing.

It used to be that when a woman started her period at like 13, she was ready to get married. The time spent in adolescence was like 0. Ever since public schooling in the early 1900s and the GI bill that helped veterans go to college and prolong the "real world," adolescence has been expanding. In fact, "emerging adulthood" is the developmental term referring to those 18-29 who are stuck between adolescence and adulthood. People in this age group are not really adolescents but also not really "adults" either. There is this prolonged stage of exploration, and delay of settling down. 18-29 year olds go to college, explore, travel, are not financial stable-- and marry later. The whole later marriage thing is just a SYMPTOM of a much broader cultural change. It is not just like, "Oh, people are getting married later." It's more like, "Oh, people are doing EVERYTHING later!!"

And of course, this has implications on our biological clocks. If you want to have children later in life, there are more risks and problems associated with that. And if you want to delay having sex until you're 30, that might be hard when you're hormonally ready to do it at 13. Obviously there are some negative consequences for delaying settling down.

But by labeling the problem as "people are getting married too young," it's just overlooking a forest for a tree. In industrialized countries, we're living until like 80 or longer, and you usually retire at like 65. So why rush to work right outside of high school when you can make a fine living for yourself starting work at 25? Why marry at 18 when you have the next 60-70 years of your life to spend with that person? If you're living longer, why rush??

Later marriage age is about time and life span. We're not in the 1800s anymore needing to breed abundantly to produce more workers for the farm. We're creatures of technology, faced with an unprecedented life span.

Interestingly, sometimes Christians forget that it's not 1950 anymore. Christian schools (ahem, Calvin) have this pressure to marry young, partly because of traditional Christian culture, and partly because frankly, they want legalized sex. Back in the day people married not out of love but out of financial or biological necessity. Now we marry whoever we want (to an extent)... but that also means that not everyone finds a mate at the same time. The evangelical "ring by spring" pressure is from a completely different generational mindset... yet that mentality lingers in conservative evangelical culture.

The assumption is, "We want to have sex, so let's marry young." Well, you don't find your mate like, "Hmmm... I want sex, so... hey Jennifer." Love can take time, and sometimes you just don't find it by 22. Or worse, you want sex and settle with someone before your brain has stopped growing (the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in judgment, isn't fully developed until 25). And then, well, life sucks for you if you settle and marry your college sweetheart for sex and have a miserable 60 year marriage.

Evangelicals don't know what to do with this extended time span. They don't know what to do with the new 18-29 "emerging adulthood" years. The typical church protocol is: youth group during high school, college-- uh, uh, we don't know what to do with you, hurry up and get married already, would you?--, then you get married and the church does a sigh of relief, because once you have kids you enter them into Sunday school and the church can take a breather because you're set then for the rest of your life.

But this 18-29 transition phase?? That does not compute for evangelicals in the 1950s mindset.

I have experienced this first hand with my frustration in finding a church in Grand Rapids with an active college program!!! Churches do NOT know how to engage college students!! Now, there are several exceptions, such as New Life and Heartland, which I think are doing EXCEPTIONAL jobs. What are they doing differently? Well, first of all, they know that the 20s-years are DIFFERENT than high school and adulthood. They know their demographic!! College students ARE deeply spiritual people, but they shy away from traditional older-adult commitments. "Emerging adults" are a new developmental demographic, and it's necessary to address this new phase of life and MINISTER to them, for goodness sake's!!

Right now, the "early marriage" pandemic is just showing that the church doesn't want to deal with this new shifting cultural mindset. For instance, John Piper (pastor, theologian, author) wrote this article: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2007/2487_A_ChurchBased_Hope_for_Adultolescents/

To me, this article is just screaming to young adults, "GROW UP ALREADY!!!!!" Regenerus' article also has remnants of the same idea, ex. as you can see from this quote, "Unfortunately, a key developmental institution for men-- marriage-- is the very thing being postponed, thus perpetuating their adolescence." In other words, there is this idea that adolescence is extending past its due departure, and it's best to combat this growing adolescence by promoting early marriage!

I heard Christian Smith talk at Calvin College last week about some research he conducted of the religious lives of 18-23 year olds, and I'll summarize those findings in a little while. One thing he did say, however, is that churches are so mis-informed about the nature of "emerging adults," and at their peril. By targeting the demise of "late adolescence" or promoting early marriage, they're sadly misunderstanding the generation and what's been going on culturally and developmentally.

The reality is, the nature of our lifespan is changing, and rather than stay in the dark, evangelicals should be at the forefront of cultural knowledge, ready to administer to these new emerging adults. Let's just call the problem what it is and realize that we are dealing with a TIME crisis, not a sexual crisis! We are dealing with a newly formed stage of development, more time, and increased life spans! We Christians must confront the life span issue as a whole rather than target certain "adolescent" behaviors that have been prolonged for too long.

Paper on Adolescence

2009-09-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

Here's a paper I wrote on adolescence for my youth ministry class:

As we’ve seen thus far in Models of Youth Ministry, adolescence is increasingly difficult to define. In order to fully unpack this ambiguity and confusion, it is necessary to look at the historical context of an “adolescent.” Until 1900, “adolescence” was a smaller stage of life orientated around the following event: puberty. We have discussed in lecture that up until public schooling in the early 1900’s, adolescence was a short time period in between which children were trained for future work (ex. taught about the family trade), were married, and then began life as adults in the community. Due to complicated sociological, psychological, and biological factors, the term “adolescence” has been extended and blurred. Before 1900, Clark writes that adolescence was a period of time between ages 14 to 16-18. In contrast, in 2000 adolescence is thought to begin around 11-12 and last until the mid to late 20s (Clark 52). That means that the current length of adolescence is up to 15 years, in contrast to as little as 2 just a century ago. Therefore, the meaning of the term “adolescent” has changed drastically just since 1900.
One reason for this recent phenomenon is what Chap Clark writes: today, the external “markers” of adolescence have vanished, so it is no longer clear where adolescence ends and adulthood begins (Clark 46). In our small class of three students, we demonstrated the ambiguity of adolescence when Professor Elliot asked us, “When did your parents start treating you like adults?” All three of us, all born and raised in Christian families in Michigan, had completely different answers. Even in our generation, people are unclear of how to view those in the “in between blur” of adolescence and adulthood.

Although defining “adolescence” is difficult, there are physical, emotional, and societal indicators that will point us to a clearer vision of adolescence. As we’ve seen in looking at the history of this demographic, there are no clear physical markers of when someone “begins” adulthood. It is easier to understand adolescence from a developmental perspective in striving to define it. Clark writes that one necessary developmental stage of adolescence is individuation, or identity formation. The renowned psychologist Erik Erikson believed that the defining developmental landmark of the teen years is identity vs. role confusion. Clark investigates three aspects of individuation: identity, autonomy, and reconnection (a theory proposed by Santrock). Identity comes from answering the question, “Who am I?” Autonomy answers the question, “Do I matter?”, while reconnecting is in response to the inquiry, “How do I relate to others?” (Clark 55). Individuation occurs over a varied age range, which makes sense intuitively: we all know teenagers who are wise beyond there years… and those people in their late 20s who don’t seem to have adulthood down yet. Thus, adolescence can best be defined today as a developmental milestone, in which a person achieves a sense of identity, purpose, and means of relating to others.

Today’s adolescents also display unique behavioral and psychological characteristics. Mark DeVries writes that with the current sociological trends, teens are spending more and more time with their peers and identity less with a cohesive family unit (DeVries 41). As a result, teens aren’t being shaped or formed by an actual community; they identify more with their friends or the media. DeVries and Seely discuss the importance of the family in youth ministry, but the reality is, less teenagers have stable, Christian family situations that are even conducive to family devotions. As DeVries and Chap Clark in his book Hurt remark, young people are faced with an unprecedented amount of loneliness and isolation. They long to be loved, cared for, and paid attention to. Adolescent loneliness is so deep that many engage in self-destructive behaviors (DeVries 53).
This increasing loneliness comes from a variety of factors that developmental psychologists are still exploring. One is from increasing cultural expectations: while the length of adolescence has increased, teens are exposed to more violence and sexual issues at younger ages. They also have financial burdens, deal with increasingly broken families, and are tempted to cope with these stressors by unhealthy behaviors, such as drugs. Therefore, teens are unprecedentedly alienated, isolated, and hurt. They are starving for attention and seek to get it in any way possible- myspace, cliques, sex, drugs, or other self-destructive patterns.

Many of these issues delve into the realm of (especially developmental) psychology. Yet, as Clark writes, there are theological in addition to psychological and developmental implications to these teenage practices. Seely writes about six important reformed doctrines that should shape our youth ministry, and Starting Right also discusses several. I would like to specifically address three doctrines that I think should shape youth ministry: grace, redemption, and hope. These doctrines are outlined in Starting Right (chapters 15-17), but I think they are pivotal in serving a formational role in addressing youth. I consider myself a “mish-mash” of various Christian traditions, so in addressing these doctrines I will perhaps not be orthodox Reformed, but I believe all three of these doctrines have places in all Christian traditions (including that of Reformed Christianity). Grace, redemption, and hope are doctrines shared by all Christian traditions, so I address them ecumenically.

Grace is a doctrine that Christians pay lip service to but rarely understand in practice, as can be demonstrated in Brennan Manning’s The Ragamuffin Gospel. In reality, our culture today is oppositional to grace, and our young people have rarely experienced it. They learn that, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” Adolescents have grown up learning to perform—in school, in sports, in activities, etc. The Gospel is in direct opposition to the performance trap. Nishioka writes that the essence of the Gospel is, “You are loved! You don’t have to do anything or not do anything! In a world that seems to measure, compare, and rank you from the moment you are born, the good news is that you belong to God and are loved by God, and there is nothing you can do to remove yourself from God’s love. If this message is not the reason for our ministry, then what is?” (Niskioka 249). Niskioka also writes of different ways we can practice grace: acceptance, welcome, remembering, solidarity, justice, humility, self-control, and witness. Seely discusses grace in the context of God’s covenant to us, and how we live out that covenant in a community of believers (the church).

Another doctrine that should guide youth ministry is redemption. This doctrine is based on the idea that there is something profoundly wrong in the world; all of humanity of not as it should be. Johnson writes that it is like a web of sin, evil, and death that penetrates everything around us and from which we cannot escape. The message of redemption, however, says that Jesus has set us free from this web of iniquity. To go with the analogy of the web, Johnson says that “Jesus Christ enters the web with us,” and after he has, the evil of the world is “re-woven in another way” (Johnson 259). Teenagers are desperate for the “life… to the full” that Jesus offers us.

Hope is a third doctrine that should govern our outlook on youth ministry. Hopelessness is a huge problem among teenagers, and the rates of teen suicide have dramatically increased according to several polls (Parker 267). Teens need the hope that the Gospel provides for us. Both Parker and Seely discuss that hope as a current and future reality (associated with the doctrine of eschatology).

The importance of theology in youth ministry is articulated by Seely and Dean. Dean writes how, “Adolescents traffic in theology every single day” (Dean 29). Usually that theology is “intuitive” and thus out of the realm of consciousness. An alternate to that is deliberate theology, and Dean challenges youth workers to evaluate their own theological “rocks” on which to base youth ministry because beliefs impact action. It is essential to be intentional about theology and seek to put those beliefs into practice. According to my beliefs and readings done inside and outside the Models of Youth Ministry class, I believe that grace, redemption, and hope are three doctrines that should govern youth ministry. Adolescents are growing up in increasing confusion and hurt, and the Gospel must be presented in the midst of that. As various authors wrote in Starting Right, teenagers are in need of acceptance, redemption, and hope that things will get better. Thus, youth workers should focus on the doctrines of grace, redemption, and hope. One example of that is the Celebrate Recovery based teen program, called Life Hurts, God Heals. This program reaches out to teens struggling with hurts and addictions. The leaders accept them where they are and love them (grace). They then present the Gospel and Christian teaching to them (redemption) and offer them a message of hope. This is merely one example of enacting these doctrines into practice when working with adolescents.

Evangelicals and Marriage, Pastors, the Church, Population Control, and More!!

2009-09-30T13:42:00.001-07:00

I have been wanting to write for several days now, but I haven't been able to muster up the time, honestly. Two days ago I took my GRE, and that I've spent a lot of time "preparing" or feeling guilty that I haven't been preparing. Luckily, I got a pretty good score (actually, a REALLY good quantitative score and a not so good verbal score, which was surprising, but overall, my score was good enough to make me competitive for the programs I'm applying to). Basically, I'm just happy I don't have to take the stupid thing again. The bad news: I still have ANOTHER GRE to take next weekend, the psychology subject test GRE. Not cool.

Anyway, much has been on my mind, as usual. Last week I thought a lot about the church, and how frustrated I have been about church in Grand Rapids. I talked to someone last week who is a newly ordained pastor in the CRC church (the denomination Calvin is associated with). I was expressing to him my frustration with churches in Grand Rapids, and I sensed that he felt the same way. He basically was like, "Get used to this feeling of isolation, because there is not a Christian community that will live up to your expectations." He is also a self-proclaimed cynic, but still, that conversation was still alarming.

I mean, this guy is a PASTOR who is frustrated at the church. There is nothing wrong with being frustrated, but if you're supposed to be LEADING A CHURCH, you should at least believe in the church! I am frustrated and have high expectations for Christian community because I have SEEN genuine Christian community. At Heartland, for example, I experienced a church community transformed by the Gospel. I won't settle for less than that because I don't believe that JESUS settled for less than that.

When I was a sophomore in college, I felt God calling me to ministry. Now, ministry is not synonymous with "being a pastor." ALL Christians are called to some type of ministry.

The definition of ministry= ANYTHING you do, as long as you do it to the glory of God.

If you play basketball and love the people on your team and play for the glory of God, great, that's your ministry. Ministry is not confined to a church organ and Sunday morning coffee hour. Ministry is a day-to-day life choice. Minor tangent.

Since that "call" to ministry, I have struggled deeply with what God is really calling me to. I have deep issues with what the church is like as a whole, and because of that, I no longer even consider being a pastor. Pastors are leaders of a community, shepherds, spiritual guides of a church body.

Maybe this is kind of common sense, but if you're a pastor, you need to have your life TRANSFORMED by the power of the Gospel. You need to be living this thing out. The world has been sooooo tarnished by pastors who are not pastors for the right reasons. Now, pastors don't have to be perfect. I mean, NONE of us are perfect. That's just a given. But pastors need to be mature spiritually and their lives must bear fruit of the transformative love of Jesus Christ.

This newly ordained pastor who is cynical about the church, in my opinion, that's just not okay. This particular person loves studying theology, and that's great, but he is bitter and caustic about the role of the church in the world. And you know the saying that students never exceed the levels of their teachers. If that's his starting point, and he's supposed to be leading other people to a closer relationship with God, I mean, that's problematic.

I will never ever even CONSIDER being a pastor until my blood pumps for the local church, for a local body to be changed for the sake of the Gospel. I will not even CONSIDER it. There is too much bitterness in the world today as it is, and I don't want to just perpetuate that. The world is bleeding for Jesus. I believe that with all my heart, but just because I believe that doesn't mean I am the one to be leading people that way. You can lead people to Jesus in all sorts of ways.

But the church is special. And it takes a certain caliber person to be a shepherd of God's people... character wise and the like.

After much frustration about church, however, I FINALLY went to a good church on Sunday, Ada Bible Church!! It is a megachurch, which is semi why I have resisted going there up until now. My rational has always been, "If I go to a megachurch, it's gonna be Mars Hill." But Rob Bell is always traveling, and for a myriad of reasons, I have decided that Mars Hill is not a good choice for me right now.

I don't know why I never really considered Ada Bible, but it has all of the attributes I'm looking for in a church:
-big
-passionate
-college group
-concerned with spiritual growth (uses monvee, the computer software program I worked with at Heartland this summer!!)
-culturally relevant
-believes in the Gospel, the church

I went there, and it was like love at first sight, after like 300 bad dates in the last year. It is big, friendly, passionate, reminds me of Heartland, great worship music, great sermon series-- on Paul's missionary journeys in Acts!! For this series Ada Bible actually went to Greece and filmed on location to show where Paul was actually going on his missionary journeys. They showed some footage of places I had gone in Greece!! I was very excited and happy. Overall, it was an AMAZING experience, and I have FINALLY found a place where I have "clicked." YESSSS!!!!!!!! The entire church service, I was just like, "Thank you God thank you God thank you God thank you God" over and over. Because this whole church frustration thing has been driving me insane.

Then on Sunday night I went to Loft, which is Calvin's Sunday night chapel service. I LOVE the new Calvin chaplain, Mary Hulst. She is also kind of my mentor, for which I am so blessed. She got her PhD. in communications, so her sermon delivery is like phenomenal. Calvin is going through the book of Ephesians this semester (how fitting: it was apparently John Calvin's favorite book of the Bible, which is sooooo like Calvin College to know about). Pastor Mary gave THE most creative, and effective, sermon demonstration I've ever seen. She was talking about grace and religion.

As I think I've written about before, I don't think Christianity is a religion. Religion is all about what you DO to get to God, whereas Christianity is like a relationship, and you don't do things to get to God, but God has DONE everything to come to YOU. Pastor Mary was talking about how it is so easy to fall into the pattern of religiosity. To illustrate that, she literally brought a treadmill on stage and started running. That is a metaphor for all of the things we do to get to God. It's like when you pray or go to church that alleviates some guilt or "makes up" for Saturday night, or whatever. Then we get good at playing the game and going through the rituals and following the laws. To illustrate that, she started running faster... and you get the point. After like 10 minutes of running, she stopped the treadmill in order to demonstrate that God has called us to GET OFF THE TREADMILL.

We cannot earn our way to God. As hard as we run, as hard as we try, we will never make it to God on our own. Ephesians says, "By GRACE you have been saved." In other words, it is nothing WE have done. God doesn't love me more or less than Mother Theresa. We are all given equal access to God. God has done everything for us, but as Christians, we can forget that and slip onto the treadmill or religiosity.

It's something we all need to hear... again and again and again. But her usage of the treadmill as a sermon "prop," if you will, was THE most creative usage of a prop I've ever seen in a sermon. Well done, Pastor Mary.

I have had a few things on my mind as of late, and I'm sure I'll have more thoughts regarding them coming up. So stay tuned! But here are a few that have been "front burner":

1. Calling/ vocation- ah, what a "Calvin College" thing to talk about. We're always hearing about our vocation and occupation and all that at Calvin. Well, I'm applying to grad school and I STILL don't know what I'll end up doing with my life. On Monday night, I went to this really good pre-seminary dinner on "Discerning Your Call." I really just don't know if I'm called to church work at all. This sounds kind of anti-social, but church work involves people and all that stuff, but I'm a very socially awkward person. And I have serious social anxiety! How the heck can I work with people when I hate even spending time with my friends? I feel most alive when I write. The problem is, I need to eat and live... and you don't eat and live by writing, unless you get really good at that. So I'm kind of still dealing with the fact that I haven't found a perfect career "fit." I'm planning on revisiting that thought more in the near future, but right now, I just get frustrated when thinking about the future, so I'm just avoiding the subject.

2. Evangelicals and marriage- Okay, so Calvin is a total "ring by spring" school, i.e. everyone I know is engaged/ married!! And we're Christians, so sex before marriage is a no-no, so the early marriage age... I mean come ON, you don't have to be stupid to realize that most of these people are just looking for legalized sex. Whether they're actually ready for marriage, I don't know. It has really been bristling me lately because of a few factors:
1. Christianity Today's recent front page article was entitled, "The Case for Early Marriage"
2. My roommate is engaged, and here's the situation: she dated this guy for ONE MONTH and they got engaged. Then he joined the army, so he's in boot camp right now, so they're not even together, they're getting married in January, as soon as they get married he's getting deployed to Afghanistan, she's giving up her dreams of going to law school to move around for him, and the saga proceeds.... Anyway, so she wrote an editorial in the Chimes, the Calvin paper, last week, about why students should get married early.

I have very strong feelings about that topic partly because I have been feeling really single lately. My other roommate just celebrated her one year anniversary with her boyfriend (she's only a junior), and my other friend had a baby shower last weekend. The whole "senior scramble" feeling has been very potent to me as of late. There is SUCH pressure in the evangelical world to marry. The great irony: people are writing about why people should marry young? Um, we don't need any extra reminders.

There is a cultural phenomenon behind this trend toward early evangelical marriage, and I intend to get down to the bottom of it/ write about it in more detail when I have more time to think and research about it. So I'm just going to leave it at this: there is a serious problem in Christian culture, the pressure to get married very, very young. And it's not just about marriage or being young. It's about life cycle, about modernity, about evangelical culture, about sex/ what is permissible, about the Bible, etc. It's about way more than just early evangelical marriage. I am toying with the idea of writing an editorial about it for the Chimes, the Calvin paper. That is, if I ever have time to write it!

3. Overpopulation- in biology we've been learning about the fact that, well, the world is overpopulated, and the rate of growth is not stopping anytime soon. Right now growth is happening exponentially, i.e. very fast. By 2020 we're expected to have 8-12 billion people on earth. Right now there are between 6.7-6.8 billion people on earth.

The problem is, exponential growth can't be sustained forever. There are two outcomes of this growth pattern:
1. The population evens out (logistic growth) and the resources are spread out, the population stops exponentially growing
2. The population growth continues at this rate and the environment gets messed up and then the population crashes.

Obviously, #1 is what you want to have happen and #2 is what you DON'T want to have happen. I am not in ecology or anything like that, so I don't know the best solution to this massive population growth, but I do see that it's a problem, and, yeah.... That's pretty much it....

4. Adolescence and the changing role of the church- I am writing a paper on this topic, so I'm not going to pontificate on this right now, but the bottom line is: adolescence is extending in both directions- starting earlier, ending later. Adulthood can start as late as the late 20s now! That has implications for the church because people are getting married later, having children later, wanting to settle down later, wanting to have less to do with the institutional church....

Probably the thing most imminent on my mind is the evangelical marriage thing, so expect something on that very soon!

Life As I See It

2009-09-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

From http://papertissue.tumblr.com

Calvin College Students Church Involvement

2009-09-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

The top 5 churches for Calvin students are:

1. Ada Bible 82= 21.6%

2. Madison Square 55= 14%

3. Mars Hill 29= 7.6%

4. Church of the Servant 24= 6.3%

5. Brookside CRC 13= 3.4%

Church yes- 380/600- 63.3%- which means that 63.3% of Calvin student go to church regularly, but that also means that 36.7% of students don't

No Bible study- 441- which means that 73.5% of students are NOT involved in a Bible study

The Church

2009-09-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the church lately. And by "church" I mean the church as a whole.

For a few years now I've really questioned what the church should be like, and unfortunately, I've gotten more questions than answers.

This last weekend I went to Ann Arbor for the football game and ended up spending some time at New Life (my church in Ann Arbor). Now, I will admit, I haven't always been the most supportive of New Life in the past. I've made my theological criticisms of the church well-known. I have purposely tried to distance myself from New Life after leaving U of M. During my sophomore year of college, I probably spent an inordinate amount of time criticizing everything about New Life. My attitude leaving Ann Arbor was like, "Good riddance to this church, I'm going to go to a great church in Grand Rapids like Mars Hill and it's going to be far superior to this place."

It's interesting how things happen. I got to Calvin, a school which is in Grand Rapids, and has like churches EVERYWHERE and EVERYONE is "Christian." There are hundreds and hundreds of churches to choose from. And I thought I would find a "replacement" to New Life right away. Well, it's been over a year, and I've never been more frustrated in my life with a church situation.

Oh yes, there are LOTS of churches in Grand Rapids. Especially compared to Ann Arbor, which has a markedly more secular bend to it, and probably a good 100 less churches.

But quantity alone does not necessitate quality. In Ann Arbor, if you go to church, you are in the minority. You have to own your faith, make it your own. It means that you have to pick your friends wisely, go against the typical party/ hippie culture. In Grand Rapids, there are SO many churches, and that's what you do on Sunday... go to church. Heck, there's nothing else open on Sunday even if you didn't want to go. But there's no ownership of faith.

In Grand Rapids, going to church is just a run-of-the-mill "duh, of COURSE you go to church" thing. And that's where it ends. Monday morning, you do whatever you want. Bible studies? Prayer? Quiet time with God? Reading the Bible? Eh, only if there's time. There are so many other good things to do.

So that's my rant about West Michigan as a whole, but the spiritual issues of Grand Rapids have permeated through the walls of my own college.

At Calvin, students go to church on Sunday like good Christian college kids. But according to some statistics I saw, 75% of students are NOT involved in even a Bible study!! Now, I am not exempt-- I am not involved in a Bible study here-- because there are hardly any opportunities to be!

Christianity has been watered down to Sunday morning and maybe chapel from 10-10:20 on the weekdays. Maybe, but only if you feel like it. Even on Sunday mornings, it is rare for students to attend the same church week after week. There are so many churches in Grand Rapids, why just settle on 1? Most students "church hop," i.e. attend different churches every week. It's like going out to lunch, "Do I want McDonalds? Panera?" Instead of food, however, it's churches, "I feel like going to Mars Hill this week. No, let's go to Ada Bible."

As a result, very, very few college students are actually involved in a local church. Church attendance is more like a game.

I hate church hopping. I hate it with a passion. The worst part about it: I DO IT!!!!!! I have gone to at least 10 churches over the last year. I don't want to do it, but there seem to be few churches that emphasize community, small groups, have a college group, have passion, have good theology, and are culturally relevant.

Churches have opportunities for old people, children, and parents with children. But for us college students, it's like, "Ugh... hurry up and get married and have children and then come back and we'll have opportunities for you." In the meantime, however, I guess we're just supposed to be non-committal and chill until we get married?

I have tried COUNTLESS churches that struggle with college students- 20 somethings. There is a HUGE gap in that demographic... but does that mean that we don't need a church community?

This sociologist from Notre Dame, Christian Smith, is coming to Calvin soon, apparently, and he has data that college students WANT spirituality (without organized religion), but churches want commitment to organized religion, so there is a gap in ministering to people my age.

I am up in the air about my future, so I can't commit to church membership or doing Sunday school for the next year because I don't know where I'll BE in a year! Families can commit to church every Sunday because they're not moving anywhere anytime soon! Families are thus catered to by churches, and college students are ignored. Does that mean college students needs Jesus/ Christian community any less than families? By no means! In fact, college students are discovering their belief systems and making decisions that will impact the rest of their lives. They want something to live for, to die for. So why would you not want to minister to these people?

Most churches have programming for high school students and take a break until parenthood. HELLO!!!!!!! There is LIFE happening in that gap. And Calvin students are GOING to church every Sunday looking for something, but churches are not helping meet that. We're looking for community, for relationships, for meaning, for direction. And instead of finding that, we resort to church hopping. Now, we still have to take ownership of that, but it is also genuinely hard to get involved in a church in Grand Rapids.

Part of it is that Grand Rapids on the whole is a very lukewarm place- like, "I believe in Jesus, whatever, next topic." There's no PASSION in that. College students are looking for passion, not for organized religion. We're looking for meaning, for something to live for. And until churches in Grand Rapids step it up, church hopping will remain a phenomenon of my generation.

Now, back to visiting Ann Arbor this weekend. After a year away from U of M, I went to New Life and was greeted by dozens of college students and people on fire for the Gospel. Here I bashed them, I criticize their theology, I was not exactly nice to New Life, and they welcomed me back with open arms. There was a worship concert on Saturday night, and everyone's arms were raised.

Jesus had transformed their lives, and they wanted to sing about it. How convicting. I humbled myself and realized: I had been wrong, so very, very wrong. Fine, maybe New Life has some faults- what organization doesn't? But they are helping reach this unreached demographic! They are helping students orient their lives around the Gospel! And how could I criticize that?

After a year of searching in such a "Christian" area, I was ready to admit that New Life is the real deal. It is an incredible place. They are making disciples of college students, and students are FLOCKING to the church. There is such a spiritual need that's not getting filled elsewhere. Students are starving to get involved in a church, but not a nice little contained church, but a church that is BEING the church. A church that is focused outward, a church that truly loves others, a church that has discipleship opportunities, a church where people practice what they preach. They are flocking to that church.

On the other hand, Calvin students are hungrily plowing through church after church, like consumers. They're not ready to give up their faith, but it almost seems that others find church like another part of conventional life, and students aren't going to put up with that. I won't put up with that.

The world is DYING to find a church BEING the church, a church that is truly an Acts 2 community. It's sad that in such a "Christian" place, there are rare few places like that.

We are headed into an era where denominational distinctions are evaporating. I don't have an alliance to the Presbyterian church or the Methodist church. I don't go to church because I feel like I "should." Organizational religion is on the decline. We are entering (I hope) a postdenominational era. Megachurches are on the rise. "New ways to do church" are on the rise. The neighborhood church down the street that has little passion is not going to last.

I for one am eager and curious to see what the future of the church will be. I suspect that places like lifechurch.tv, which has an online service, will grow, and denominations will slowly start to crumble. And I for one will be cheering when the walls fall down.

I laugh at God's irony because after all the dirt I've given New Life, I now confess that they were on to something. I'm still not convinced they have achieved theological orthodoxy, but you know what, whatever. The world is dying to see people living this stuff out, and if they don't have the concepts 100% right, I'm willing to set that aside.

"Piss on the wall"

2009-09-16T10:36:00.001-07:00

A few things:

1. I've been doing a powerpoint for my Education class on Hinduism, which is fascinating: http://www.newsweek.com/id/212155

2. In Barnabas training we saw the following video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo3o4nfiG7A. Then I was checking out more about this guy, Steve Anderson, and he's a Baptist preacher from Arizona, and well... he puts all of us Christians to shame.

He wrote the following sermon called "I Hate Barack Obama":

"Let me tell you something: Barack Obama has wrought lewdness in America. America has become lewd. What does lewd mean? L-E-W-D? [Pause] Obscene. Right? Dirty. Filthy. Homosexuality. Promiscuity. All of the -- everything that's on the billboard, the TV. Sensuality. Lewdness! We don't even know what lewdness means anymore! We're just surrounded by it, inundated with it!

... And yet you're going to tell me that I'm supposed to pray for the socialist devil, murderer, infanticide, who wants to see young children and he wants to see babies killed through abortion and partial-birth abortion and all these different things -- you're gonna tell me I'm supposed to pray for God to give him a good lunch tomorrow while he's in Phoenix, Arizona.

Nope. I'm not gonna pray for his good. I'm going to pray that he dies and goes to hell. When I go to bed tonight, that's what I'm going to pray. And you say, 'Are you just saying that?' No. When I go to bed tonight, Steven L. Anderson is going to pray for Barack Obama to die and go to hell.

You say, 'Why would you do that?' That our country could be saved."

I mean, really? This guy is crazy, and apparently he was like tazored going through border control or something? I don't know, I wouldn't even be that surprised....

First Week of School

2009-09-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

The first week of school has come and gone, and I am officially stressed out after, oh, four days of school. Here I thought I was going to have a "blow off semester." Then I signed up for the GREs. Then I realized what grad school applications were like. Then I got all these great (but time-consuming) offers... most of which I've had to turn down because of time constraints. Then I realized I was in Greek.

Here are my classes for right now:

Education 309- Teaching Religion to Children and Adolescents- I LOVE this class!!!!!!!!!

Greek 205- The Gospel of John- I am HORRIBLE at Greek and my prof freaks me out, but I have tons of cool people in my class, and I am starting to get the rust off my Greek, so hopefully it won't be horrible

Self Defense- I've ALWAYS wanted to be in a self-defense class, and you know what, screw it, it's my last semester, so I'm taking self-defense! Let's face it, if I'm in a dark alley, I'm freaking screwed. I need self-defense. Plus, it's only 1 credit

Biology 111- Just don't get me started, Calvin's making me take it, but it's actually not going to be as bad as I thought it would be, in fact, it will probably go better than Greek, sadly

Models of Youth Ministry- This is my 2 credit independent study, in which I have a casual discussion time once a week with a few students and the head of the Calvin YM department (a graduate of Princeton Seminary). I am excited in a dorky sense, because I get to read lots of cool research on youth spiritual development, and I'm really interested in that!!

In terms of grad school, I am applying to the following places:

PsyD:
Fuller
Rosemead (part of Biola University, also in southern California)

MDiv:
Fuller
Princeton
Trinity Evangelical (in Illinois)

I am still not sold on the whole going to school for psychology thing, but in order to even keep my options open, I MUST take the GRE and apply to these places right now. Otherwise I am making my decision prematurely, and as it is, I am still confused. I must admit, I am not a fan of secular psychology as much as I think I am at times, and I need to consider that before entering a DOCTORATE program in that field!!!!

For example, my psych adviser was all like, "You should do independent research, bla bla bla," and I would rather die than spend a semester working with a prof on attentional biases (a subset of cognitive psychology). I am very interested in ministry still, even though I still do NOT want to be a pastor. I am still confused about my life, and right now I'm trying to avoid deciding by keeping all of my options open!

A few points of interest:

I have been fascinated by James Fowler's Stages of Spiritual Development, which basically chart (using developmental psychology) how someone develops spiritually over a lifetime. Here is how Fowler describes his theory (via interview http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/18316.htm):

Stage One: Intuitive/Projective Faith

The first stage we call intuitive/projective faith. It characterizes the child of two to six or seven. It's a changing and growing and dynamic faith. It's marked by the rise of imagination. The child doesn't have the kind of logic that makes possible or necessary the questioning of perceptions or fantasies. Therefore the child's mind is "religiously pregnant," one might say. It is striking how many times in our interviews we find that experiences and images that occur and take form before the child is six have powerful and long-lasting effects on the life of faith both positive and negative.

Stage Two: Mythic/Literal Faith

The second stage we call mythic/literal faith. Here the child develops a way of dealing with the world and making meaning that now criticizes and evaluates the previous stage of imagination and fantasy. The gift of this stage is narrative. The child now can really form and re-tell powerful stories that grasp his or her experiences of meaning. There is a quality of literalness about this. The child is not ytet ready to step outside the stories and reflect upon their meanings. The child takes symbols and myths at pretty much face value, though they may touch or move him or her at a deeper level.

Stage Three: Synthetic/Conventional Faith

There is a third stage we call synthetic/conventional faith which typically has its rise beginning around age 12 or 13. It's marked by the beginning of what Piaget calls formal operational thinking. That simply means that we now can think about our own thinking. It's a time when a person is typically concerned about forming an identity, and is deeply concernedl about the evaluations and feedback from significant other people in his or her life. We call this a synthetic/conventional stage; synthetic, not in the sense that it's artificial, but in the sense that it's a pulling together of one's valued images and values, the pulling together of a sense of self or identity.

One of the hallmarks of this stage is that it tends to compose its images of God as extensions of interpersonal relationships. God is often experienced as Friend, Companion, and and Personal Reality, in relationship to which I'm known deeply and valued. I think the true religious hunger of adolescence is to have a God who knows me and values me deeply, and can be a kind of guarantor of my identity and worth in a world where I'm struggling to find who I can be.

At any of the stages from two on you can find adults who are best described by these stages. Stage Three, thus, can be an adult stage. We do find many persons, in churches and out, who are best described by faith that essentially took form when they were adolescents.

Stage Four: Individuative/Projective Faith

Stage Four, for those who develop it, is a time in which the person is pushed out of, or steps out of, the circle of interpersonal relationships that have sustained his life to that point. Now comes the burden of reflecting upon the self as separate from the groups and the shared world that defines one's life. I sometimes quote Santayana who said that we don't know who discovered water but we know it wasn't fish. The person in Stage Three is like the fish sustained by the water. To enter Stage Four means to spring out of the fish tank and to begin to reflect upon the water. Many people don't complete this transition, but get caught between three and four. The transition to Stage Four can begin as early as 17, but it's usually not completed until the mid-20s, and often doesn't even begin until around 20. It comes most naturally in young adulthood. Some people, however, don't make the transition until their late 30s. It becomes a more traumatic thing then, because they have already built an adult life. Their relationships have to be reworked in light of the stage change.

Stage Four is concerned about boundaries: where I stop and you begin; where the group that I can belong to with conviction and authenticity ends and other groups begin. It's very much concerned about authenticity and a fit between the self I feel myself to be in a group and the ideological commitments that I'm attached to.

Stage Five: Conjunctive Faith

Sometime around 35 or 40 or beyond some people undergo a change to what we call conjunctive faith, which is a kind of midlife way of being in faith. What Stage Four works so hard to get clear and clean in terms of boundaries and identity, Stage Five makes more permeable and more porous. As one moves into Stage Five one begins to recognize that the conscious self is not all there is of me. I have an unconscious. Much of my behavior and response to things is shaped by dimensions of self that I'm not fully aware of. There is a deepened readiness for a relationship to God that includes God's mystery and unavailability and strangeness as well as God's closeness and clarity.

Stage Five is a time when a person is also ready to look deeply into the social unconscious-thoe myths and taboos and standards that we took in with our mother's milk and that powerfully shape our behavior and responses. We really do examine those, which means we're ready for a new kind of intimacy with persons and groups that are different from ourselves. We are ready for allegiances beyond our tribal gods and our tribal taboos. Stage Five is a period when one is alive to paradox. One understands that truth has many dimensions which have to be held together in paradoxical tension.

Stage Six: Universalizing Faith

Some few persons we find move into Stage Six, which we call universalizing faith. In a sense I think we can describe this stage as one in which persons begin radically to live as though what Christians and Jews call the "kingdom of God" were already a fact. I don't want to confine it to Christian and Jewish images of the kingdom. It's more than that. I'm saying these people experience a shift from the self as the center of experience. Now their center becomes a participation in God or ultimate reality. There's a reversal of figure and ground. They're at home with what I call a commonwealth of being. We experience these people on the one hand as being more lucid and simple than we are, and on the other hand as intensely liberating people, sometimes even subversive in their liberating qualities. I think of Martin Luther King, Jr. in the last years of his life. I think of Thomas Merton. I think of Mother Teresa of Calcutta. I think of Dag Hammerskjold and Dietrich Bonhoeffer in the last years of his imprisonment. These are persons who in a sense have negated the self for the sake of affirming God. And yet in affirming God they became vibrant and powerful selves in our experience. They have a quality of what I call relevant irrelevance. Their "subversiveness" makes our compromises show up as what they are.

Now it's interesting, because in my Education class, we look at these stages as age-specific, but it seems like in stages 4-6 there is much more ambiguity.

As for why I find these stages so fascinating, I think they're a good vehicle for exploration of spiritual growth. I am very interested in the factors that influence whether/ how people grow spiritually. For instance, how do people go from stage to stage? Why do some people stay in stage 4, for example, and others are able to go to stage 6? I could go on, but I'm afraid I have more questions than answers at this point (and probably there aren't concrete answers anyway). Here you see my interest in theology and psychology intertwining again!!

I've been listening to a few notable podcasts. Lifechurch.tv has been a favorite church of mine for a while, and they have a GREAT series right now, "Stop Acting Like A Christian. Be One." I would totally download and listen to them!!!! They recently had a guest teacher from Hillsong Church in Australia (from the church where the Hillsong band is). She said some really insightful things. She was recently in Europe and went to the top of some ancient cathedral and started crying.

Why?

Because this teacher thought of the painstaking years of labor it took to build this church. The thousands of people who entered those doors. And now that cathedral is EMPTY on Sunday mornings. It is a pitiful tourist attraction, a ghost of what once was, a shadow of where God worked in the past. I too felt these same thoughts when I was in Europe. Her point was this: the church is not a building in and of itself. It's not a tourist attraction. She works in a HUGE church that has started an international revolution (look how popular Hillsong songs are!!). But that church, too, will fall away and be a shadow of what once was. We are not called to HAVE a church, we are called to BE the church. And somewhere, sometime, people slowly stopped being a church and started going through the motions, and now that cathedral is a tourist attraction.

She said that too often churches act like fish aquariums, trying to keep the temperature nice for the people inside, but that is not what the church should do! We are called to REACH OUT to others, to live radical lives, to be transformed from the inside out, not from the outside in.

Another good podcast was done at Mars by Ruth Haley Barton entitled, "Longing for Rest."

Other recent thoughts: frustration of finding a church to get involved with in Grand Rapids (don't get me started in a RANT), Henri Nouwen being awesome

"The peace that passes all understanding...."

2009-09-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

I was writing a response for my Education 309 class on someone who made a difference in my faith life, and I was thinking back to what really moved me to faith as a child. I immediately recall a specific woman who was one of my Rite 13 leaders. Here is what I wrote about it:

Before I talk about who impacted my faith as a child, you need to know some background about my family and faith life. Faith was not a commonly discussed topic in my home growing up. Church was something my mom, brothers, and I did on Sundays (my dad is Jewish and never attended church with us), but that hour on Sunday was the extent of my spiritual education. My mom certainly is a godly woman, and through her ethics and actions I saw her faith, but besides that, faith was always seen as something private, esoteric, uninvolved in one’s daily life.

There is one instance, however, in which one community member made a huge difference in my life. While this story is random and brief, I still remember it as influential on my life.

The situation involves my “Rite 13” Sunday school teacher, Mrs. Carrington. Although I was deeply hungry for knowledge about God, usually Sunday school was dull and lacking. Mrs. Carrington, however, was different. For her, faith was more than just a Sunday morning ritual. One instance she came to class right after her husband had open heart surgery. She retold how she had been a wreck in the days leading up to the bypass. After nights of agony and prayer, the day of surgery finally came. She was praying in the waiting room, and all of a sudden she felt a peace that surpassed all understanding that could be described only as supernatural.

Now, in our liturgy we had a post-Communion prayer that discussed the "peace that passes all understanding," so I had heard of this peace before, but this woman said that in this moment, this phrase from the prayer came alive to her. She couldn’t describe her experience in any other way than truly supernatural. She just knew in that waiting room that everything would be alright, and it was in God’s hands. This story has stuck with me for years because it was the first time I truly understood that God was not some boring deity I was forced to worship on Sunday mornings. God was real, God was relevant, God was alive. God could impact my life just like He impacted hers.

More thoughts about vocation

2009-09-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

I feel compelled to write some further thoughts about vocation because of my decisions to apply for a doctorate level program, which have taken place largely in the last several days, but the reasons for which have been culminating over the last several months.

Here is my career thinking over the last few years:

Freshman year- I decided that I wanted to be a psychologist because of the way I had been helped, I wanted to go to Wheaton's psychology graduate school

Sophomore year- I realized that I wanted to go to Wheaton more than I wanted to go to psychology graduate school, whole transferring ordeal began

Later sophomore year- I felt called into ministry (a rather strange calling), spent the remainder of the year confused about such calling

Junior year- Decided to pursue the Masters of Divinity path, perhaps being a pastor or another kind of church worker

During the last year, I've had many talks with people about concerns regarding full-time ministry. I discussed animosity toward women going into ministry, the problems being a pastor, the issue of me not having a denomination, etc. I frantically sought a denomination for the second half of last year, only to resign to the fact that I am a committed NON denominational Christian.

On the one hand, denominations provide security financially and provide job opportunities, but I have not found one denomination that I like as a whole. Obviously some denominational churches are better than others, but denominations can succumb to an entity in and of themselves. They become consumed with denominational politics, red tape, and legalism. As a whole, I believe denominations are on their way out. Plus, I was the one who was trying to pick a denomination-- it was ME doing all the planning. It was not God. I figure that if God wants to call me into ordained ministry, He'll make that very clear to me, but I don't feel that call at this time.

Then this summer I interned at a church all summer, a church that captivated me spiritually and is a shining example of a healthy, functioning NON DENOMINATIONAL church. Various leaders in the church worked with me and affirmed many of my gifts... I got a lot of feedback that I was intelligent, passionate about psychological issues, good at researching, hard working, theologically trained, etc. But it was unanimous that I didn't fit the pastor "type." Not one person sat me down and was like, "You should be a pastor."

Here are some positions I encountered this summer and why I do/ don't fit them:

I clearly do not fit the mega-church pastor mold. Mega-church pastors are cool, hip, socially savvy, shepherds who love conversation and connecting with others. I am 100% not that person. I am many things, but I am not that.

As someone who likes psychology, another obvious option is doing pastoral care or counseling. I worked closely with the director of pastoral care at Heartland, and I give him props because he is doing wonderful work... but that position does not fit well with me either. Someone who does pastoral care must also be socially savvy, a "cool" person to talk to, someone who would draw others in, someone who listens well and talks little but wisely.

I am a socially awkward person. I dread hanging out with friends. I am not even kidding. I need people, obviously, but I am one of those people who wishes she didn't need people. I am much more comfortable in a more serious, intellectual, deep atmosphere. I don't do the "hipster pastor/ counselor" thing. Mega-churches are seeker-sensitive. That means that they spend the bulk of their energy trying to draw others in. To draw others in, you have to have some semblance of cool and social ease.

I am a people person indirectly. I would much prefer interacting in different modes of communication: such as writing. Writing is not a face-to-face conversation, but I see it as my "ministry" to people. People can read what they have written and take from it what they may. I would much rather do that than spend my time with my door open ready to chat about life with whoever comes by.

This summer I enjoyed many aspects of my internship: monvee, the spiritual formation software that Heartland is launching, Celebrate Recovery, doing research for pastoral care, listening to Heartland's incredible teachers and staff members describe their stories or listening to them teach at larger gatherings. These activities all share several attributes. First, they relate to the "psychology" of theology. Spiritual growth taps into personality psychology and the "barriers" to spiritual growth tap into the clinical psychology realm. In addition, I loved doing research about pastoral care programs. I wanted to learn more, synthesize all of this information more, analyze more, explore more of WHY this church model is so effective, things like that.

Next, these activities all relate to a more stand-back approach. Pastors are local shepherds; they have their church congregation, and it is their job to shepherd them. I am more of an ideas person. I like to step back from the local church scenario and ask, "What does this local church say about humanity, about the church as a whole? What can we connect to other churches? What does this say about how to best help people serve God?" I love knowledge and how to relate this higher knowledge to people's everyday lives.

The same goes with counselors. Counselors are invested in the needs of local people, which is great. But I am more of a step-back person who wants to go beyond local issues. I want to ask about the nature of souls throughout humanity. I want to discuss how Christians should address psychopathology on a theoretical level.

I came from the summer knowing that about myself, but I still didn't know where to go with that. What, then, would I do? What would I pursue in graduate school? I resigned myself to applying for Masters of Divinity programs even though I had no intention pursuing pastoral work. I figured the degree might be at least a stepping stone for future graduate work.

Then last week I had my Jubilee Fellows retreat, and we were all talking about our summers. Everyone else had a much more traditional, denominational church internship. Several students got to preach, others wrote devotional booklets. They worked at smaller, more traditional churches. I heard about their experiences, and how many of them feel called to be pastors. I realized then how much I do NOT want to be a pastor.

In high school I always said I would like to do the following things for my career:
-Teach
-Write
-Help others

That has not changed. I figured ministry is an obvious synthesis of the three. Being a pastor seemed like it would combine everything I'm good at: teaching, helping others, writing sermons. This summer, and at the retreat, I learned the reality of life as a pastor.

Pastors spend the bulk of their time doing the following:
-Sitting in on board meetings
-Sitting in on finance meetings
-Meeting with staff members/ community members
-Organizational/ business/ logistical work
-Brief time spent meeting with members of congregation (depending on the size of the church)
-Doing funerals/ weddings/ baptisms/ Communion
-Writing out teachings, practicing teachings
-Leadership training, equipping other staff members
-Staff meetings

And if you were to give percentages, probably 60-70% of time is on the logistical, business side of the church... even for teaching pastors! I don't desire to do almost ANY of that!!!!!!!!

That really hit me hard this last week.

At my Celebrate Recovery Summit, Rick Warren talked about the 3 main models Jesus used for ministry:
-Teaching
-Preaching
-Healing

Many times, we tend to separate those from one another. A recent phenomenon I've seen in the evangelical church is that there's a huge emphasis on teaching and preaching, and in terms of psychological healing, pastors will settle for pop psychology or pseudo-psychology. Even pastoral care, at least the way I see it, is sort of "pseudo-legit" counseling.

In thinking of what I love to do, I am seeing my interests falling in the INTERSECTION of psychology and theology. I am interested in how Christians enmesh the two. I am interested in how mental health barriers impede the spread of the Gospel or spiritual growth. I am interested in how the church has viewed mental illness through history. I am interested in how the church has perhaps even PROMOTED mental illness.

I see myself doing parachurch work, which means that I wouldn't be employed by the church, but I would be involved with work related to the church. If I were a professor at Fuller, for example, I would be able to teach, write, and research full time!! I could pursue my personal interests, write about them, speak at conferences, and teach other students. I would indirectly influence the church by training future pastors and clinicians.

Fuller's integration program (a doctorate in psychology) would also give me a masters degree in theology. Fuller also is the first "Christian psychology" grad school, and I'd be taking theology classes as core curriculum, in addition to psychology classes. I'd have professors who are seminary-trained and passionate about Jesus Christ.

Here are some samples of how my personal interests align with Fuller's PsyD/ PhD program, here are some classes Fuller offers that I am interested in:

Portraits of Human Nature
Spiritual Transcendence and Health
A Science and Theology of Spiritual Development
Christians Who Counsel
Integration and Personal Transformation
Narrative and Family Life

In addition, Fuller has top-rate theology classes (obviously), because it is, after all, a seminary. I don't know exactly the route I will pursue in the future, but all I know is that applying for a doctorate is a really good option. Therefore, I'll be applying for the masters of divinity programs as well as the psychology doctorate programs.

I'm on a video!!

2009-08-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

So I was randomly looking at this guy's blog from my Ann Arbor church, and there's this video ad thing about New Life, and I'm actually talking in it!! I saw my face and heard my voice on the video, and was like WHAT??!!??

Check it out: http://vimeo.com/5851126

Misconceptions of Christianity

2009-08-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

These last several days, I have been talking to a lot of non-Christians and cultural Christians (i.e. "Christians" who don't necessarily adhere to orthodox Christian doctrine). A few points have come up in these conversations that I wish to address.

1. The idea of Christianity as a religion

I first heard Mark Driscoll, a megachurch pastor, bashing religion a few years ago, saying that he "gave up religion to follow Jesus." I was a little confused to hear that. I had always considered Christianity a religion, duh, and didn't understand how it shouldn't be seen as such. After I have heard several pastors, including one at Heartland, agreeing with Driscoll, however, I think I have come around to their viewpoint.

Here's why:

Gordy Smith, a pastor at Heartland, put it this way-

Religion can be defined as "man's attempt to reach God and avoid punishment." In a World Religions class, you might look at Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, and Christianity as all being man's attempts to reach God. How have different people tried to bridge the gap between man and God? That is the typical anthropological study of religion.

Many people, including some Christians, see Christianity as being a part of that camp. On the contrary, however, Christianity is the OPPOSITE of religion. Christianity is all about "God reaching man and coming to US," which is the direct opposite of the definition of religion.

Believers in Jesus don't dance around in a little circle, pray 5 times a day, mutter a few prayers over and over, and consider themselves right with God. It has NEVER been about what we do; it has always about what GOD has done. God came to us in the person of Jesus to invite us into relationship with Him. There are no prayers we can say or rules we can follow that will make us right with God. The Bible is not a rule book of living, a set of ethical guidelines. It is God's love letter to us.

Religion can be summarized in this way: DO. You can earn your way to God's favor. You can do certain things, and that will alleviate your guilt and make you right with God.

Christianity can be summarized in this way: DONE. It's like my t-shirt says, "I asked Jesus, 'How much do you love me?' 'This much,' He said, and He opened His arms and died."

2. Hidden influences of modern philosophy in religious beliefs today

I have recently heard comments coming from Christians such as the following:

"I never was religious until I started getting older, and then I decided I should start going to church because I am getting closer and closer to God everyday."

"Whatever you God you believe in your heart is fine, as long as it helps you be a good person."

"How can you say you know what God is like? It's impossible for any humans to know that."

"As long as you truly believe in a specific religion, it doesn't matter which one it is."

Many of the people who say things like that are church-goers or call themselves Christian (at least culturally). The common thread in all these statements is that they are drawing on modern philosophy. Such philosophy infiltrates modern religious discourse, but rarely is it addressed for what it is.

One influential philosophy that people often use when discussing religion is postmodernism, which is unique in lacking any standard of truth. Truth is seen as relative: "whatever you think is true is true for you, and whatever I think is true is true for me."

The problem is that truth is not relative. Either God exists or He doesn't. The statement that God is "true for you" and not "true for me" is absurd. God is either real or not. God can't just be real for some people as a figment of their imaginations and not real for others.

Postmodernism is so prevalent because no one wants to make judgments on one another, which is a noble pursuit in some respects. At U of M, for example, everyone's opinion is respected because there is no objective truth value (seemingly). The interesting thing is, in postmodernity, there is an objective truth standard: postmodernity! If you are a postmodern relativist, your opinion is valued. But if you believe that there is an objective truth standard, you are regarded as judgmental and are not taken seriously.

Postmodernity has its own take on religion, in a way. Most major religions in the world claim that their way is the TRUE way. Postmodernity does a bit of cherry-picking-- it takes, for instance, certain ethical claims and rejects the objective truth standard. For instance, postmodernists see Jesus as an ethical figure and reject Jesus' claim that He is God. In doing so, they butcher the entire religion and have a very misconstrued vision of all of the world religions. There is only one "true" way, and that one "true" way is that no way is true, all is relativistic. I know that sounds paradoxical, but think it over.

It is very vogue to say that "all religions are the same." But they are really not all the same. And to think that, you are doing the cherry-picking relativism thing and accepting that statement of relativity as your own "religion" or truth-filter.

Christianity is not the same as Islam. Buddhism is not the same as Hinduism. Judaism is not the same as Jainism. They are completely different. Sure, Christianity, Islam, and Judaism share some similarities-- all three put emphasis on Jesus, Moses, and Abraham, for example. But even if Christianity and Islam share perhaps 90% of the same historical figures and ethical guidelines, let's look at that 10% of difference-- it's all about the person of Jesus!! And the person of Jesus is the FOUNDATION of Christianity! If you do not accept that Jesus is Lord, you are miles and miles away from true Christian teaching!

Most people call all religions the same because of a hidden assumption: that the purpose in life is to be a good person. And religion usually leads people to be better people. So as long as you're a good person, it doesn't matter what religion you are.

That very assumption is a "religion" all in and of itself. If God is just an illusion that gets people to be more ethical, He is not real. Therefore, all religions are false... except for the religion that all religions are the same. In this assumption, God is just a means to the end of being a good person. Christianity, at least, would totally reject that premise because God IS an end: God is not a means to an end.

Christianity is not about trying harder and striving for morality. Of course, good works are important, but that is not the CORE of Christianity. Christianity has that God made people in His image so we can enjoy Him as He enjoys us. Yet, we live in a fallen, broken, often painful world. In His love and grace, God sent His Son to redeem us and bring us back to Him. We don't need to do anything to earn God's favor because Jesus has already paid the price.

Thus, Christianity is not about earning our favor with God. We are called to ENOY God and do life with Him. If the point of life is each individual "being a good person," it becomes all about ME and what I do, when it never has been about me. It has been about God, and what HE has done. The religion of "being a good person" extracts certain elements of various religions but has its own prior assumptions that are a stark contrast to Christianity.

Besides postmodernism, there is a tendency to filter claims about God through an empiricist lens. Ever since the scientific revolution, people are skeptical about making truth statements outside of what can be seen EXACTLY through empirical science. It is no coincidence that deism gained prominence during this time. Deism is the idea that God made the world, but there's no way you can know anything about Him. The common deist analogy is that God is a watchmaker who set the clocks into motion, but He is not involved anymore in the world.

Some deists still go to church "just in case." If God is real and there is a chance He may be mad at you, you might as well go to church and appease some of His wrath. It's the "fire insurance" argument. Just in case God is real, it's best to get some insurance policy and guarantee that you've been a moderately good person or went to church sometimes. Modern deists can actually be found in some (more liberal) churches today.

Other deists see all religions as equally pointless because there is no way that anyone in the world could ever know about God. To them, church, prayer, and theological speculation is all useless.

To that, I would respond that deism is itself a "religion" in a way. To state that no one can know what God is like is a very bold claim. For thousands of years people have claimed to know what God is like, and to say that it's not possible to know anything about God, you're basically saying that they're all wrong.

Millions upon millions of Christians who have been martyred or gave their lives to furthering God's kingdom.

Wrong.

Jews weeping at the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

Wrong.

A group of Muslims praying together.

Wrong.

Because they're claiming they know something about God. Deism itself has its own truth claims, and adhering to this belief system is negating the existence of all these other religions that adhere to a different understanding of God.

Postmodernity, deism, and Christianity... all three of these are separate belief systems with assumptions, objective truths, and followers.

Christianity is often skewed in the secular study of world religions, and some Christians, as I mentioned earlier, tend to lapse into seeing Christianity as more "religion"-y and rule-based than it really is.

It is easy to see Christians mess up and recoil at the sight of their hypocrisy and ridiculous legalism. Interestingly, Jesus was most critical of the Pharisees, the "religious" people of His time. God has always been for the underdog, the hurting, the "sinners," the untouchables. Jesus had little patience for people who were so ingrained in religious rituals that they left no time to care for the orphan and widow or spend time in sincere devotion to God.

Christianity offers something unique that other religions don't: a relationship with God. That sounds funny to those outside of the faith. How could God want to talk to you? How could God want a relationship? That doesn't even make sense!

Here are some of the radical claims Christians hold about God:
-God is not mad at you. There is NO CONDEMNATION for those in Christ!! You don't need to try to earn brownie points in Heaven. There is no need for shame or guilt. YOU ARE FORGIVEN! God accepts you as you are.
-We were MADE to know God. Imagine a deer in the hot Israeli desert panting for water: just like that, our souls pant for God (Psalm 42). And if our thirst is not quenched for God, it is quenched by something else: culture, media, a relationship, love, an addiction, etc.
-God is head-over-heels in love with you. Think of how much you love your spouse, gf/ bf, kids, family, friends: God loves you with an everlasting love, way more than any love you have experienced before!
-God is with you at all times, and He feels your pain. In Heaven, He will wipe all the tears from your eyes (Revelation 21).

No matter what you've done, no matter where you've been, God loves you and wants you to come to Him. There's nothing you have to do to accept God's favor.

Faith is a word that makes the modern thinker grimace. Faith is seen as an "uncultured" action. Maybe if they knew better or were better educated, they wouldn't have to resort to it.

We all put faith in things, however. The newsperson tells us there's an earthquake in China (I'm making stuff up). You believe it. You are putting your faith in that newsman. You can't see China right now, but you have faith that the news is to be trusted. You put faith in scientific theories. You don't know they exist, but you trust in scientists.

Faith in God is much of the same: do you think God is to be trusted? Just ask God to reveal Himself to you. Be like, "God if you're real, show me." God will always answer that prayer. All you have to do is open your eyes.

Some resources I would recommend (Christian authors and books)

2009-06-11T12:27:00.001-07:00

1. Louis Giglio- especially his Passion DVD called Fruitcake and Ice Cream
2. Rob Bell- ANYTHING!! Subscribe free to his podcasts, go to iTunes, Mars Hill Bible Church, or his Noomas or tours or books
3. John Ortberg- any sermon (also free on iTunes, go to Menlo Park Presbyterian Church), any of his books
4. Monvee- I'm working on this- check out heartland.cc or monvee.com
5. Mark Driscoll- I hate to admit it because he has such traditional gender roles, but I like this guy....
6. Brennan Manning- The Ragamuffin Gospel
7. Henri Nouwen- anything!! He is my favorite Catholic priest.
8. Lifechurch.tv (Craig Groeschel)
9. Willow Creek
10. Beth Moore
11. Eugene Peterson

2009-06-11T12:24:00.001-07:00

Some sweet things:

http://www.breathecast.com/files/album/20081126085939_0_51LXn6DjDOL__SS500_.jpg

Some startling stats from Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel, chapter 2:

2009-06-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

"Sir James Jeans, the famous British astronomer, once said, 'The universe appears to have been designed by a Pure Mathematician.' Joseph Campbell wrote of 'a perception of a cosmic order, mathematically definable....'

As they contemplate the order of the earth, the solar system, and the stellar universe, scientists and scholars have concluded that the Master Planner left nothing to chance.

The slant of the earth, for example, tiled at an angle of 23 degrees, produces our seasons. Scientists tell us that if the earth had not been tilted exactly as it is, vapors from the oceans would move both north and south, piling up continents of ice.

If the moon were only 50,000 milse away from earth instead of 200,000, the tides might be so enormous that all continents would be submerged in water-- even the mountains would be eroded.

If the crust of earth had been only ten feet thicker, there would be no oxygen, and without it all animal life would die.

Had the oceans been a few feet deeper, carbon dioxide and oxygen would have been absorbed and no vegetable life would exist.

The earth's weight has been estimated at six sextillion tons (that's a six with 21 zeros). Yet it is perfectly balanced and turns easily on its axis. It revolves daily at the rate of more than 1,000 miles per hour or 25,000 miles each day. This adds up to nine million miles a year. Considering the tremendous weight of six sextillion tons rolling at this fantastic speed around an invisible axis, held in place by unseen bands of gravitation, the words of Job 26:7 take on unparalleled significance: 'He poised the earth on nothingness.'

The earth revolves in its own orbit around the sun, making the long elliptical circuit of six hundred million miles each year-- which means we are traveling in orbit at 19 miles per second or 1,140 miles per hour.

Job further invites us to meditate on 'the wonders of God' (37:14). Consider the sun. Every square yard of the sun's surface is emitting constantly an energy level of 130,000 horsepower (that is, approximately 450 eight-cylinder automobile engnies), in flames that are being produced by an energy source much more powerful than coal.

The nine major planets in our solar system range in distance from the sun from 36 million to about 3 trillion, 6,664 billion miles; yet each moves around the sun in exact precision, with orbits ranging from 88 days for Mercury to 248 years for Pluto.

Still, the sun is only one minor star in the 100 billion orbs which comprise our Milky Way galaxy. If you were to hold out a dime, a ten-cent piece, at arm's length, the coin would block out 15 million stars from your view, if your eyes could see with that power.

When we attempt to comprehend the almost countless stars and other heavenly bodies in the Milky Way galaxy alone, we resonate to Isaiah's paean of praise to the all-powerful Creator: 'Lift up your eyes and look. Who made these stars if not he who drills them like an army, calling each one by name? So might is his power, so great his strength, that not one fails to answer' (40:26)."

Neil Anderson- Who I Am In Christ

2009-06-11T11:57:00.001-07:00

From http://www.ficm.org/whoiam.htm

I am accepted...

John 1:12
I am God's child.

John 15:15
As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:1
I have been justified.

1 Corinthians 6:17
I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.

1 Corinthians 12:27
I am a member of Christ's body.

Ephesians 1:3-8
I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.

Colossians 1:13-14
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.

Colossians 2:9-10
I am complete in Christ.

Hebrews 4:14-16
I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

I am secure...

Romans 8:1-2
I am free from condemnation.

Romans 8:28
I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.

Romans 8:31-39
I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.

2 Corinthians 1:21-22
I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:1-4
I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6
I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Philippians 3:20
I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7
I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.

I am significant...
John 15:5
I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Corinthians 3:16
I am God's temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21
I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Ephesians 2:6
I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10
I am God's workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12
I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Hello, my name is Charlotte, and I am a recovering Pelagian.

2009-06-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

I have been reading The Ragamuffin Gospel because I'm doing a small group on it this summer, and here are some quotes I just had to share:

“The American Church today accepts grace in theory but denies it in practice.”

“Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if it is only personal discipline and self-denial that will mold the perfect me. The emphasis is on what I do rather than on what God is doing… At heart we are practicing Pelagians.”

“Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency.”

Matthew 9:9-13- “People who are in good health do not need a doctor; sick people do. Go and learn the meaning of the words, ‘It is mercy I desire and not sacrifice.’ I have come not to call the self-righteous but sinners.”

Morton Kelsey- “The church is not a museum for saints but a hospital for sinners.”

“The Good News means we can stop lying to ourselves.”

“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes.”

Thomas Merton- “A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.”

Henri Nouwen- “The greater part of God’s work in the world may go unnoticed… We tend to think that the more people know and talk about something, the more important it must be.”

Paul Tillich- whole passage pg. 28, “Simply accept the fact that you are accepted. If that happens to us, we experience grace.”

“Jesus comes not for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weak-kneed who know they don’t have it all together.”

“The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God, ‘They won’t let me in. Lord, because I am a sinner.’ ‘What are you complaining about?’ said God. ‘They won’t let me in either.’ "

“There we are—the multitude who so wanted to be faithful, who at times got defeated, soiled by life, and bested by trials, wearing the bloodied garments of life’s tribulations, but through it all clung to the faith.”

Julian of Norwich- “The greatest honor we can give Almighty God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of his love.”

“A God, who out of love for us,… learned how to walk, stumbled and fell, cried for His milk, sweated blood in the night, was lashed with a whip and showered with spit, was fixed to a cross and died whispering forgiveness on us all.”

“The God of the legalistic Christian… Sunday worship becomes a superstitious insurance policy against His whims… So, they persevere in religious practices as they struggle to maintain a hollow image of a perfect self.”

"Genuine self-acceptance... is an act of faith in the God of grace. The more fully we accept ourselves, the more successfully we begin to grow. When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or the acceptance of others because our self-intimacy reinforces our inner sense of security."

Maurice Blondel- "If you really want to understand a man, don't just listen to what he says but watch what he does."

"The Kingdom belongs to people who aren't trying to look good or impress anybody, even themselves."

"The danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth. Complacency in ourselves then replaces sheer delight in God's unconditional love. Our doing becomes the very undoing of the ragamuffin gospel."

"For experiencing God's love in Jesus Christ means experiencing that one has been unreservedly accepted, approved, and infinitely loved."

"A failure of nerve and an unwillingness to risk distorts God into a Bookkeeper and the gospel of grace is swapped for the security of religious bondage."

Here is a longer but beautiful story of what community should be:
"On a sweltering summer night in New Orleans, sixteen recovering alcoholics and drug addicts gather for their weekly AA meeting. Although several members attend other meetings during the week, this is their home group. They have been meeting on Tuesday nights for several years and know each other well. Some talk to each other daily on the telephone; others socialize outside the meetings.

The personal investment in one another’s sobriety is sizable. Nobody fools anybody else. Everyone is there because he or she made a slobbering mess of his or her life and is trying to put the pieces back together. Each meeting is marked by levity and seriousness. Some members are wealthy, others middle class or poor. Some smoke, others don’t. Most drink coffee. Some have graduate degrees, others have not finished high school. For one small hour, the high and the mighty descend and the lowly rise. The result is fellowship.

The meeting opened with the Serenity Prayer followed by a moment of silence. The prologue to Alcoholics Anonymous was read from the Big Book by Harry, followed by the Twelve Steps of the program from Michelle. That night, Jack was the appointed leader.

'The theme I would like to talk about tonight is gratitude," he began, "But if anyone wants to talk about something else, let’s hear it.'Immediately Phil’s hand shot up. 'As you know, last week I went up to Pennsylvania to visit family and missed the meeting. You also know I have been sober for seven years. Last Monday I got drunk and stayed drunk for five days.'

The only sound in the room was the drip of Mr. Coffee in the corner. 'You all know the buzz word, H.A.L.T., in this program.' he continued. 'Don’t let yourself get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired or you will be very vulnerable for the first drink. The last three got to me. I unplugged the jug and . . . '

Phil’s voice choked and he lowered his head. I glanced around the table - moist eyes, tears of compassion, soft sobbing the only sound in the room.

'The same thing happened to me, Phil, but I stayed drunk for a year.'

'Thank God you’re back.'

'Boy, that took a lot of guts.'

'Relapse spells relief, Phil,' said a substance abuse counselor. 'Let’s get together tomorrow and figure out what you needed relief from and why.' 'I’m so proud of you.'

'Hell, I never made even close to seven years.'

As the meeting ended, Phil stood up. He felt a hand on his shoulder, another on his face. Then kisses on his eyes, forehead, neck and cheek. 'You old ragamuffin,' said Denise. 'Let’s go. I’m treating you to a banana split at Tastee Freeze.' "

"We miss Jesus' point entirely when we use His words and weapons against others... This is the form and shape of Christian Pharisaism in our time. 'Hypocrisy is the natural expression of what is meanest in us all. ' "

"Perhaps the real dichotomy in the Christian community today is between he awake and the asleep."

"The tendency in legalistic religion is to mistrust God, to mistrust others, and consequently to mistrust ourselves... Have you learned to think of the Father as the judge, the spy, the disciplinarian, the punisher? If you think that way, you are wrong."

"We fluctuate between castigating ourselves and congratulating ourselves because we are deluded into thinking we save ourselves... Our halo gets too tight and a carefully-disguised attitude of moral superiority results. Why? Because we never lay hold of our nothingness before God, and consequently, we never enter into the deepest relationship with Him."

"But sometimes I get so involved with myself that I start making demands for things I think I deserve, or I take for granted every gift that comes my way."

"The deeper we grow in the Spirit of Jesus Christ, the poorer we become-- the more we realize that everything in life is a gift... The poor man and woman of the gospel have made peace with their flawed existence."

"To be human is to be poor. Our impoverished spirit gives us pause before deciding to become tyrants to ourselves."

"The poor in spirit perceive that religious experience and mystical highs are not the goal of authentic prayer; rather, the goal is communion with God."

"Our world has lost its sense of wonder... We get so preoccupied with ourselves, the words we speak, the plans and projects we conceive that we become immune to the glory of creation."

"Our world is saturated with grace, and the lurking presence of God is revealed not only in spirit but in matter-- in a deer leaping across a meadow, in the flight of an eagle, in fire and water, in a rainbow after a summer storm, in a gentle doe streaking through the forest, in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, in a child licking a chocolate ice cream cone, in a woman with windblown hair. God intended for us to discover His loving presence in the world around us."

Frederick Buechner- "There is a God right here in the thick of our day-by-day lives who may not be writing messages about himself in the stars but in one way or another is trying to get messages through our blindness as we move around down here knee-deep in he fragrant muck and misery and marvel of the world."

"Each moment of our existence, we are either growing into more or retreating into less. We are either living a little more or dying a little bit."

"(God) is looking into the eyes of Israel from His depths to hers. He sees through the smokescreen of deeds good and bad to Israel herself. She glances up uneasily, 'Who? Me?' "
(Manning's imaginary conversation of Jesus to the Pharisees)- "It is you who are so secure in your piety and pretense that you have no need of conversion."

"Let go of the good old days that never were-- a regimented church you never attended, traditional virtues you never practiced, legalistic obedience you never honored, and a sterile orthodoxy you never accepted. The old era is done. The decisive inbreak of God has happened."

"Immediate response is the mood of the kingdom."

"When Jesus said, 'Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened,' He assumed we would grow weary, discouraged, and disheartened along the way... He had no notion of the cost of discipleship. He knew that following Him was as unsentimental as duty, as demanding as love."

"Jesus calls us to hand over our autonomous self in unshaken confidence. When the craving for reassurances is stifled, trust happens."

"The moment the focus of your life shifts from your badness to his goodness and the question becomes not 'What have I done?' but 'What can he do?' release from remorse can happen."
"The love of Christ inspires trust to thank God for the nagging headache, the arthritis that is so painful, the spiritual darkness that envelops us; to say with Job, 'If we take happiness from God's hand, should we not take sorrow too?' "

"The 'conversion by concussion' method with one sledgehammer blow of the Bible after another betrays a basic disrespect for the dignity of the other and is utterly alien to the gospel imperative to bear witness. To evangelize a person is to say to him or her: you, too, are loved by God in the Lord Jesus."

"The temptation of the age is to look good without being good... Impostors in the Spirit always prefer appearances to reality. Rationalization begins with a look in the mirror. We don't like the sight of ourselves as we really are, so we try cosmetics, makeup, the right light, and the proper accessories to develop an acceptable image of ourselves."

"Satan prompts us to give importance to what has no importance. He clothes trivia with glitter and seduces us away from what is real. He causes us to live in a world of delusion, unreality, and shadows."

"The noonday devil of the Christian life is the temptation to lose the inner self while preserving the shell of edifying behavior."

"At Sunday worship, as in every dimension of our existence, many of us pretend to believe we are sinners... As a result, our whole spiritual life is pseudo-repentance and pseudo-bliss."

"Biblically, there is nothing more detestable than a self-righteous disciple."

"How long will it be before we discover we cannot dazzle God with our accomplishments? When will we acknowledge that we need not and cannot buy God's favor?"

"When we laud life and blast abortionists, our credibility as Christians is questionable. On one hand we proclaim the love and anguish, the pain and joy that goes into fashioning a single child... On the other hand, when it is the enemy that shrieks to heaven with his flesh in flames, we do not weep, we are not shamed: we call for more."

"To stand in the truth before God.... I am in touch with myself as I am."

"The question had become not 'What does Jesus say?' but 'What does the church say?' This question is still being asked today. Sad but true: some Christians want to be slaves. It is easier to let others make decisions to rely upon the letter of the law."

"While we profess our faith in God's unconditional love, many of us still live in fear. Nouwen remarks, 'Look at the many if questions we raise: What am I going to do if I do not find a spouse, a house, a job, a friend, a benefactor?' Once these questions guide our lives, we take out a second mortgage in the house of fear."

"We have many homeless people (including) vagabonds who are in flight, who never come home to themselves. They seek a safe place through alcohol or drugs, or security in success, competence, friends, pleasure, notoriety, knowledge, or even a little religion. They have become strangers to themselves, people who have an address but are never at home, who never hear the voice of love or experience the freedom of God's children. To those of us in flight, who are afraid to turn around lest we run into ourselves, Jesus says: 'You have a home... I am your home...."

"Eviction Notice! You are hereby banished from the house of Fear forever. With malice aforethought, you have flagrantly withheld the monthly rent of guilt, anxiety, fear, shame and self-condemnation. You have adamantly refused to worry about your salvation. Already I overheard one dismal tenant say, “There goes the neighborhood!” Your freedom from fear is not only dangerous but contagious. Real estate values have plummeted; gullible investors are hard to find. Why? Your callous and carefree rejection of slavery! A pox on you and all deluded lovers of liberty! The Prince!"

"Freedom in Christ produces a healthy independence from peer pressure, people-pleasing, and the bondage of human respect. The tyranny of public opinion can manipulate our lives. What will the neighbors think? The expectations of others can exert a subtle but controlling pressure on our behavior. As the chameleon changes colors with the seasons, so the Christian who wants to be well thought of by everyone attunes and adapts to each new personality and situation."
"In Christ Jesus freedom from fear empowers us to let go of the desire to appear good, so that we can move freely in the mystery of who we really are. Preoccupation with projecting the 'nice guy' image, impressing newcomers with our experience, and relying heavily on the regard of others leads to self-consciousness, sticky pedestal behavior, and unfreedom in the iron grip of human respect. Unconsciously, we may clothe the Pharisee's prayer in the publican's formula."
"It was a supreme moment of liberation to stand up, kick the pedestal aside, and simply state: 'My name is Brennan; I am an alcoholic.' My spiritual director once told me, 'Brennan, give up trying to look and sound like a saint. It will be a lot easier on everybody.' "

"The old proverb, 'The eyes are the windows of the soul,' contains a profound truth. Our eyes reveal whether our souls are spacious or cramped, hospitable or critical, compassionate or judgmental. The way we see othe rpeople is usually the way we see ourselves. If we have made peace with our fllawed humanity and embrace our ragamuffin identity, we are able to tolerate in others what was previously unacceptable in ourselves."

"Solidarity with ragamuffins frees the one who receives compassion and liberates the one who gives it in the conscious awareness, 'I am the other.' "

"When God's love is taken for granted, we paint Him into a corner and rob Him of the opportunity to love us in a NEW AND SURPRISING way, and faith begins to shrivel and shrink... Evangelical faith is the antithesis of lukewarmness. It always means a profound dissastisfaction with our present state... To be Christian, faith has to be new, that is, alive and growing. It cannot be static, finished, settled. When Scripture, prayer, worship, ministry become routine, they are dead."

"On the contrary Christian hope stands firm and serene, confident even in the face of the gas chamber, even in the face of terminal cancer. However serious we believe Good Friday is, we are confident that Easter Sunday lies ahead of us."

"God wants us back even more than we could possibly want to be back. We don't have to go into great detail about our sorrow. All we have to do, the parable says, is appear on the scene, and before we get a chance to run away again, the Father grabs us and pulls us into the banquet so we can't get away."

"The nature of God's love for us is outrageous."

Carl Jung, on "Whatever you do to the least of my brethren, that you do unto me," "What if you discovered that the least of the brethren of Jesus, the one who needs your love the most, the one you can help the most by loving, the one to whom your love will be most meaningful-- what if you discovered that this least of the brethren of Jesus-- is you?"

"The Christian with depth is the person who has failed and who has learned to live with it."

"You know that when it comes time for rendering an account of your life, you will be blamed or praised not for what the Pope has done, not for what the bishop has done, not for what the pastor has done (unless you are the pastor). All of us will be blamed or praised according to whether we have accepted the invitation to believe the message."

Morton Kelsey's story- Acrobat coming across an abyss with a person in the wheelbarrow. " 'Don't you think I can do it again?' he asked. And the man replied, 'Why yes, I certainly believe you can.' The acrobat put his question again, and when the answer was the same, he pointed to the wheelbarrow and said, 'Good! Then get in and I will take you across.' "

"Hyperbole, bloated rhetoric, and grandiose testimonies create the imperssion that once Jesus is acknowledged as Lord, the Christian life becomes a picnic on a green lawn-- marriage blossoms into connubial bliss, physical health flourishes, acne disappears, and sinking careers suddenly soar. The victorious life is proclaimed to mean that everybody is a winner."

"What makes authentic disciples is... a capacity for faithfulness. Buffeted by the fickle winds of failure, battered by their own unruly emotions, and bruised by rejection and ridicule, authentic disciples may have stumbled and frequently fallen, endured lapses and relapses, gotten handcuffed to the fleshpots and wandered into a far country. Yet, they kept coming back to Jesus."

"We project into the Lord our own measured standard of acceptance. He will love us if we are good, moral, and diligent. But we have turned the tables; we try to live so that he will love us; rather than living because he has already loved us."

"Slowly we got caught up in the demands of ministry or career and the distractions our busy world offers. We began to treat Jesus like the old friend from Brooklyn whom we dearly loved in years past but have gradually lost track of. Of course, it was unintentional. We simply allowed circumstances to drive us apart. On a recent visit to that city it never crossed our mind to contact him. We had become preoccupied with something else, even though it was far less life-giving and captivating. It is possible we may never love anyone as much as we loved him, but even the memory has grown dim... Inattention to the Holy unravels the fabric of the divine relationship."

"We settle in and settle down to lives of comfortable piety and well-fed virtue. We grow complacent and lead practical lives. Our feeble attempts at prayer are filled with stilted phrases addressed to an impassive diety. Even times of worship become trivialized. I have tried to fill the emptiness that frequently comes with God's presence through a variety of substitutes-- writing, preaching, traveling, television, movies, ice cream, shallow relationships, sports, music, daydreaming, alcohol, etc... I loved my captivity and imprisoned myself in the desire for things I hated. I hardened my heart against true love. I abandoned prayer and took flight from the simple sacredness of my life."

"The gospel of grace announces: forgiveness precedes repentence."

"Unfaithfulness is a refusal to become, a rejection of grace (grace that is inactive is an illusion), and the refusal to be oneself."

"On the last day, when we arrive at the Great Cabin in the Sky, many of us will be bloodied, battered, bruised, and limping. But, by God and by Christ, there will be a light in the window and a 'welcome home' sign on the door."

"Functional atheisim-" "the belief that nothing is happening unless we are making it happen. Though our Christian language pays lip-service to God, our way of functioning assumes that God is dead or in a coma."

"If not, you probably belong to the brotherhood of the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out... Their life is full of demands from others. They seem to be living at least three lives; everyone wants a piece of them; they can't say no yet they have no time to do what they have already said yes to... They cannot seem to find the necessary clarity and information on which to base decisions... they make a great investment in relationships and get little gratitude, feedback, or even acknowledgment from others."

"The first step toward rejuvenation begins with accepting where you are and exposing your poverty, frailty, and emptiness to the love that is everything. Don't try to feel anything, think anything, or do anything. Simply relax in the presence of the God you half believe in and ask for a touch of folly."

"The secret of the mystery is: God is always greater. No matter how great we think Him to be, His love is always greater."

A great quote from Mere Christianity....

2009-05-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

"If you are a nice person--if virtue comes easily to you--beware! Much is expected from those to whom much is given. If you mistake for your own merits what are really God's gifts to you through nature, and if you are contented with simply being nice, you are still a rebel: and all those gifts will only make your fall more terrible, your corruption more complicated, your bad example more disastrous. The Devil was an archangel once; his natural gifts were as far above yours as yours are above those of a chimpanzee.

"But if you are a poor creature--poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels--saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion--nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends--do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all--not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)" Mere Christianity

Senior Thesis- Evaluation of the Progressive Biblical Counseling Paradigm

2009-05-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

This is my senior thesis paper, andI've worked very hard on it, so I thought I'd share it with you.
Just a little background: It is on Christian counseling. Here's Christianity and Psychotherapy 101:
-Many psychologists of the 20th century were anti-Christian (Freud,Skinner, Jung, Rogers, etc.)-Christians started asking, "Is Christianity compatible with psychology?"-Jay Adams wrote a lot of books starting in the 1970's againstpsychology and psychiatry and said that counseling needs to be done bypastors. This is called "biblical reductionism."-Then places like Fuller Theological Seminary opened, whichincorporated Christianity and psychology. Adams hated this approach.-Adams is very old now, and there are primarily 2 groups that have followed in his tradition:
1. Nouthetic counselors- including John MacArthur, NANC
2. Progressive Biblical counselors- including John Piper, MarkDriscoll, David Powlison, the CCEF-My topic is about progressive biblical counseling.

This has been a fascinating topic for me to study, and I would love toshare it with you. Lately I have been very interested in theinteraction of Christianity and theology, especially in the area of nouthetic counseling vs. places like Fuller. Enjoy!

Abstract

Since nouthetic counseling’s popularization in the 1970’s, the debate over Christian counseling has expanded primarily in two directions: a Christian integration movement, composed of Christians who practice psychology through the lens of faith, and nouthetic counseling, a tradition which has evolved to encompass a more progressive biblical counseling movement. Biblical counseling is appealing because it lacks many crippling problems associated with original nouthetic counseling. Yet, even this progressive biblical counseling movement suffers from severe theological and psychological defects that impede its legitimacy. While Christian integrationists and biblical counselors strive for evangelical reconciliation, biblical counseling is still reductionist in essence and is ultimately incompatible with Christians who practice psychology.

Evangelical Christians have engaged in debate concerning the nature of counseling with such rigor in the last half-century, Eric Johnson (2007) likened it to an evangelical equivalent of the Forty Years War. Jay Adams’ controversial Competent to Counsel in 1970 popularized nouthetic counseling, a movement that challenged psychology’s legitimacy. Since then, there has been important hermeneutic dialogue between the biblical counseling and integrationist movements. While Adams’ initial nouthetic counseling model is problematic psychologically and theologically, contemporary biblical counseling is less easily classified by biblical reductionism. Progressive biblical counseling has responded to criticism of the original nouthetic counseling concept. While biblical counseling has promise of reconciliation with psychology’s legitimacy, this movement is still ultimately reductionist and neglects treatment of the whole complexity of the human person. First, it is necessary to describe nouthetic counseling and its progressive evolution in recent years. Then, I will show how progressive biblical counseling has adapted to accommodate criticism of nouthetic counseling. Finally, I will show how the biblical counseling modifications are not sufficient, either psychologically or theologically, for addressing the complexities of the person. Despite recent, cautious acceptance of some psychological science, this movement is still incompatible with Christian movements to integrate psychology and theology.

The Nouthetic Counseling Tradition: Then and Now

Nouthetic counseling arrived at a time when conditions were ripe for evangelical disagreement about the interaction of faith and psychology. Psychology took marked took on a markedly secularist turn in the 20th century, as psychological theorists such as Freud, Jung, Rogers, and Skinner largely rejected Christianity. Due to the increasing psychological anti-Christian polemics, Christian psychologists had to reckon with the legitimacy of a field that could lead to its own worship. In the wake of psychological attack on Christianity, Gaebelein wrote about the importance of integrating psychology with theology rather than reacting by means of fundamentalist isolation or anti-intellectualism (Johnson, 2007). A Christian integration movement emerged under the leadership of Bruce Narramore, Gary Collins, and institutions such as Fuller Theological Seminary. When Adams published Competent to Counsel in 1970, the Christian integration movement was in its early years and was conceived perhaps as a reaction to integrationism (Johnson, 2007). Adams judged integrationism as a misleading, compromising synthesis of Christianity and psychology. Christian integrationism was not an explicit model we discussed in Psychology 399, but “integrationism” is a view that refers to both perspectivalists and humanizers of science, and for simplicity’s sake, “integrationism” will serve as a reference to both perspectivalists and humanizers of science.
Adams’ rejection of psychology was not only a result of theological convictions but also was derived from psychosocial factors as well. For instance, Adams was influenced by his experience studying under O. Hobart Mowrer, an atheist psychologist who treated patients by dealing with their moral failings (Powlison, 1996). Adams met with several integrationists to discuss a draft of his overtly polemical Competent to Counsel in 1969. They told him to “take the edge off it,” a comment to which Adams vehemently reacted, “They don’t have enough rough edges. Maybe that’s why they haven’t done anything earthshaking in this field. So I went home and I sharpened it up more!” (Powlison, 1996, p. 88). Adams continued his “blunt polemics against psychiatric psychotherapy” through initiating a Westminster Theological Seminary nouthetic counseling program, heading the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF), and writing a copious amount of books (Powlison, 1996, p. 88).

Adams’ nouthetic counseling movement stemmed from a certain theological interpretation of God’s sovereignty (Adams, 1978a). He saw psychology as a “neighbor” to the pastor who needs to stay on his own property. Psychologists should “get out of the business of trying to change persons” and focus on what man does rather than what he should do (Adams, 1978a, p. 18). Pastors need to reclaim their rights as competent counselors (Adams, 1978b). This involves using the Bible as a textbook to help counselees undergo personality and behavioral change in accordance with God’s will (Powlison, 1996). Adams boils psychopathology down to, “Sin is the problem” (Carter, 2007). The very word noutheteo means to “exhort, admonish, warn” and has legal connotations (Glenn Weaver, Psychology 399, March 4, 2009). Adams’ call for a counseling revolution sparked controversy, partly due to his insensitively frank tone.

After Adams gradually withdrew from the movement over the next few decades, nouthetic counseling developed into two major paradigms that represent contemporary modifications of Adams’ nouthetic counseling tradition: traditional biblical counseling and progressive biblical counseling (Johnson, 2007). Traditional biblical counseling adheres to Adams’ general philosophy and still maintains the title nouthetic counseling. It operates under leadership of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (NANC) and theologians such as John MacArthur and Wayne Mack. On the other hand, progressive biblical counseling descends from David Powlison’s leadership in the CCEF and also from Westminster (Johnson, 2007).

Biblical Counseling Revision in Response to Criticism of Adams’ Nouthetic Counseling

In Psychology 399 we primarily studied Adams and the early nouthetic counseling paradigm, a strand of which still exists in conservative Christian circles today. Progressive biblical counseling, however, has responded to theological and psychological criticisms of original nouthetic counseling. By describing these criticisms, it is possible to assess how effective biblical counseling’s attempt was to address those concerns. Theologically, nouthetic counseling was criticized for advocating faulty exegetical principles in interpreting the Bible. Adams uses a selective interpretation of Scripture, and rather than engaging the text in all its exegetical complexity, Adams appears to rely on “proof texts.” Even his use of the word noutheteo over other words such as parakleo reveals selective interpretation of Scripture. The confrontational legal term noutheteo is used only 13 times in the New Testament, while the more gentle, comforting parakleo is used over 70 times (Glenn Weaver, Psychology 399, March 11, 2009)He also was accused of being Biblicist rather than Biblical (Powlison, 1996). There is a fine line between a healthy reverence for Scripture and Biblicism, but Biblicism refers to a fundamentalist, literal approach to the Bible that employs a straightforward hermeneutic (Price). Typically, Biblicism is accused of reducing the Bible to a set of literal, simple truths instead of regarding it in its full, contextual richness. For instance, Adams was often accused of reducing the Bible to a counseling textbook (Powlison, 1996). Adams also drew criticism from his legalistic, perhaps Pharisaical tendencies. His harsh, inflexible, and insensitive demeanor was accused of overemphasizing good works at the expense of grace.

Psychologically, Adams’ reductionism is subject to criticism as well. Adams rejected psychiatry because he believed it was an excuse for sin deemed acceptable under the label of biological factors. Fearful of the “quasi-psychologized” church becoming desensitized to the danger of sin, Adams in turn overemphasized the power of the human will in making moral choices. Some even accused of being guilty of the old heresy Pelagianism because of his tendency to overestimate the will (Powlison, 1996). Adams gives exclusive priority to cognition and will at the expense of other behavior determinants, such as biology and environment.

Nouthetic counseling’s substantial theological and psychological limitations led some of Adams’ adherents to initiate a more progressive approach to biblical counseling. Often represented by the current CCEF head David Powlison, biblical counseling seeks to rectify some problematic aspects of nouthetic counseling. In response to criticism of Adams’ overemphasis on moral responsibility and human will, biblical counseling allows for some psychotropic medication. Concern for the dynamics of the heart and the importance of a counseling relationship are also characteristic of biblical counseling, in contrast to Adams’ more legalistic bend (Johnson, 2007). Biblical counseling is also more open to hermeneutic dialogue, and David Powlison even refers to his critics as “God’s instruments” (Powlison, 2002, p. 2). Biblical counseling also no longer supports Adams’ selective interpretation of Scripture. Under Powlison’s leadership, the CCEF has “openly criticized Biblicism and distanced biblical counseling’s epistemology from the notion that the Bible was intended or was to be treated as an exhaustive encyclopedia containing all truth” (Powlison, 2002, p. 10). Rather than reducing all problems to a Pharisaical standard of sin management, progressive biblical counseling now differentiates structural and personal sin (David Powlison, personal communication, April 27, 2009). Adams considers depression to be a sin, whereas the CCEF sees it as suffering in which sin tangles in certain ways (David Powlison, personal communication, April 27, 2009).

Progressive biblical counseling also doesn’t immediately dismiss science and leaves open the possibility that science can be used positively for illustrating the truth (Johnson, 2007). Powlison (personal communication, April 27, 2009) calls psychology useful cautiously, however, and only for describing human behavior. He believes that psychology shouldn’t be used for psychological treatment, supporting Adams’ concern that secular psychology is inconsistent and contradictory. Powlison (personal communication, April 27, 2009) describes psychology as providing contradictory explanations of human behavior, while Christianity offers the only true explanation.

Defining the Progressive Biblical Counseling Framework

As a result of progressive biblical counseling modifications to nouthetic counseling, this movement’s characterization as biblical reductionism must be called into question. Over the years, biblical counseling has incorporated aspects of the humanizing of science model into practice. Humanizing of science is defined as working toward “resolving tensions between theology and psychology in a willingness to rethink and reform the nature of explanation in science and the nature of explanation in theology to take account of the valid claims of the other” (Glenn Weaver, Psychology 399, lecture notes April 1, 2009). Powlison (personal communication, April 27, 2009) describes two ways of integrating faith and psychology: synthesizing theology and science (integrationism) and approaching psychology with hostility and antithetical to Christianity (nouthetic counseling). He thinks that both approaches are necessary and that we must critique and learn from all ideas in a constant interaction between grace and action (personal communication, April 27, 2009). Such a concept parallels Stan Jones’ major forms of interaction between psychology and theology: critical evaluative work, constructive work, and dialogue (Glenn Weaver, Psychology 399, April 20, 2009).

Powlison’s method of “integration” is still reductionist, however, as it advocates science only when it corresponds to Scripture (personal communication, April 27, 2009). The Bible still has all of the answers in biblical counseling, and science is a secondary consideration only incorporated when it doesn’t threaten their interpretation of Scripture. While the humanizing of science model values a clear interaction between psychological and theological principles, Powlison discusses integration in a reductionist sense. Biblical counseling does significant critical evaluative work, but constructive work and hermeneutic dialogue are valued in this theory. Powlison and the CCEF engage in significant dialogue, but rather than seeing discussion as an open exchange of thoughts, biblical counseling treats such conversations as closed and sifted through suspicion of psychology. This view of “hermeneutic dialogue” is quite different than the hermeneutic dialogue described as “mutually shaping understandings in both fields” (Weaver, 2003, p. 15). Biblical counseling also has no interest in psychological constructive work because it doesn’t see psychology as a valid field without the authority of Scripture. Therefore, Powlison advocates a view with certain aspects of humanizing of science, but ultimately, this view is most consistent with biblical reductionism.

Nevertheless, this movement is still a less extreme version of the biblical reductionist framework since it has responded to nouthetic counseling’s most crippling criticism. As biblical counseling has embraced certain aspects of psychology, the possibility that biblical counseling could reunite with their evangelical counterparts, integrationists, must be entertained. Even Powlison admits that biblical counseling is “more detailed and comprehensive about any number of ‘psychological’ matters” (Powlison, 2007, p. 10). Further, he notes that integrationists have become more biblically oriented since the 1990’s. In other words, “The psychologists seem more biblical and the biblical counselors seem more psychological” (Powlison, 2007, p. 10). Is there a possibility that biblical counseling and integrationism can embrace a synthesis of strong biblical convictions with psychological legitimacy? Has progressive biblical counseling melded into a form of integrationism? Despite progress in dialogue, biblical counseling still contains fundamental psychological and theological problems that show how this movement is still essentially reductionist. Even looking at a progressive form of nouthetic counseling, several psychological and theological problems still remain that threaten this view’s internal consistency.
Integrationists and biblical counselors have the same goals: to give God glory and help counsel people using God’s truth. For Christians engaging in psychology, it is easy to dismiss biblical counseling as a caricature of sorts, but the nouthetic counseling tradition has actually benefitted evangelical proponents of psychology and psychotherapy. In Four Views: Psychology and Theology (2000), an integrationist, Christian psychologist, and a levels-of-explanation theorist all acknowledged their gratitude to Powlison for the contributions of biblical counseling.
Both sides seem interested in pursuing further hermeneutic dialogue, and Powlison writes that the current situation is “ripe for a fresh articulation of the issues” (Powlison, 2007, p. 10). Despite such optimism, however, Powlison believes that integrationism and biblical counseling are fundamentally incompatible. Biblical counseling still has troubling psychological and theological difficulties despite promising prospects.

Incompatible Visions: Biblical Counseling and Christian Psychotherapy-
Problems with the Current Biblical Counseling Paradigm

From a psychological perspective, progressive biblical counseling is subject to the criticism of foundationalism. Although biblical counseling claims to establish “the Faith’s Psychology,” biblical counseling’s conception of “Faith’s Psychology” itself is founded on certain assumptions and preconceptions (Powlison, 2000). Wolterstorff defines foundationalism as “a theory is justified by some foundation of certitudes which can be known non-inferentially, without the act of drawing implications connected with some prior sets of assumptions” (Glenn Weaver, Psychology 399, lecture notes). Christian foundationalism manifests itself as theory based on the “facts” of Scripture. Wolterstorff argues that foundationalism is fatally flawed because disconfirming evidence is always filtered through other theories and all observations are subject to prior assumptions (Glenn Weaver, Psychology 399, lecture notes).

Thus, while those in biblical counseling feel free to criticize those engaged in scientific psychology for being biased, biblical counseling has its own foundationalist assumptions that guide the movement’s thinking. While Powlison writes in Four Views that psychological knowledge never presents “just the facts,” he neglects the fact that he himself doesn’t present “just the facts” either. Gary Collins asserts that if we all have “selected perception,” biblical counselors must address the fact that they, too, are guilty of the same thing (Collins, 2000, p. 233). He says that that “many of (Powlison’s) criticisms apply equally well to theology” (233). Indeed, Smith (1996) claims that psychotherapeutic conversations aren’t value-neutral, but the same goes for biblical counseling, however. Biblical counselors have colored-lenses by which they view Scripture and counseling. There is no “pure” interpretation of the “Faith’s psychology.”

In terms of philosophical foundationalism, Johnson describes that the biblical counseling movement borrows generously from Cornelius Van Til, a philosopher who based his system solely on biblical teaching (Johnson, 2007). While Adams and Van Til believed that “elements” of truth could be found in non-Christian systems, biblical counselors have “made very little positive reference to anything from secular psychiatry or psychology” (Johnson, 2007).

Powlison (personal communication, April 27, 2009) actually discusses the “blinkering effect” as looking for evidence to support a preconceived theory rather than approaching the subject from an unbiased perspective. This “blinkering effect” bears resemblance to Wolterstorff’s criticism of foundationalism, but Powlison sees only psychological science as prone to the “blinkering effect”. He sees the “Faith’s psychology” as the only correct filter and doesn’t realize his own hermeneutics in forming such an opinion. He doesn’t see that such criticism of foundationalism applies to biblical counseling as well.

Biblical counseling is involved in dialogue with Christian psychotherapists, but such dialogue is done from an outsider’s perspective, in which a shaky balance between separation from and criticism of psychological science is maintained. Powlison advocates what he calls the true psychology of the Faith, which is infinitely better than any secular science. The difficulty is with defining and evaluating what exactly the “Faith’s psychology” is. Although biblical counselors believe this movement to be the only true way of doing counseling, it is also devoid of empirical support. Without empirical standards, methods for evaluation, or research, biblical counseling lacks verifiable truth or falsifiable principles. Biblical counseling is quick to criticize scientific methodology but does so without offering another methodological possibility of evaluation. Powlison’s proclamation of truth in “Faith’s psychology” has extensive implications for Christians in different contexts over thousands of years who have interpreted faith differently. Characteristic of reductionism, Powlison offers no empirical or methodological evidence for defending his viewpoint outside of Scripture. Not only is this movement hard to define under purely subjective standards but in rejecting the validity of psychological science, it dismisses any systematic method of evaluation.

Theological evidence also presents problems with even this revised version of biblical counseling. Such issues arise with the arrogance that can come from seeing the issue in black and white. Psychologists Hurley and Berry (1997) find that biblical counselors are in danger of “equating their views with those of Scripture and substituting their theological formulations for exegesis” (p. 352). Biblical counseling tends to speak in polar opposites, validating only two options: the idolatry of secular thought and the truth of nouthetic counseling (Hurley and Berry, 1997, p. 358). When these opposing sides are pitted against one another, there is caution that we can use love “of God and the Bible as a source of self-aggrandizement” (Johnson, 2007, p. 116). By pitting good against evil, biblical counseling rises to a position of noble pursuit, while seeing “everyone without biblical eyeglasses as blind” (Hurley and Berry, 1997, p. 352).

Regarding secular psychology as the antithesis of the “Faith’s psychology”, biblical counseling neglects the value of creation (or common) grace, which acknowledges truth in all of creation, even that which has been married by the fall (Johnson, 2007). Biblical counselors state that common grace is theoretically open, but they see the work of non-Christians as “dark and distorted” (Hurley and Berry, 1997, p. 361). They accept common grace and then ridicule it by calling it “brilliant, learned incomprehension” (356). In doing so, they concentrate on aspects of the Bible while diminishing others, such as the practical wisdom books of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, both of which draw from secular sources (354). In fact, Hurley and Berry (1997) say that studying psychology is part of the cultural mandate.

Biblical counseling’s exegetical interpretation poses a further theological concern to the argument. While biblical counseling denies the nouthetic counseling view of Scripture as a “textbook” for human living, Scripture is still seen a systematic accumulation of theological principles. This position regards Scripture as “a system of beliefs about God and human beings,” and in doing so, “we miss the full scope of its authority for our faith” (Weaver, 2003, p. 18). Not only does this biblical reductionism result in psychological issues but it also poses implications on a theological level. A systematic view of Scripture fails to emphasize the complexity of the human person and the redemptive value enduring in creation.

Christian Soul Care: Clinical Applications of Biblical Counseling and Integrationism

In talking about counseling and psychotherapy, it is difficult to identify the practical implications of theories. Looking at how integrationists and biblical counselors might approach a therapy session, we can see the differences between such approaches. Powlison (personal communication, April 27, 2009) illustrates the process of counseling with a three-box model. The first box contains the observations of the patient, connected to a second box of an explanatory interpretation of the person and worldview. The third box includes implications, applications, and therapies of the previous two boxes. He describes the importance of the worldview in connecting how people see their problems (box 1) and treat those problems (box three) (personal communication, April 27, 2009).

Christian integrationists actually view psychotherapy similarly. Weaver (2003) asserts that for Christians doing psychology, this process begins in church. Eric Johnson, (personal communication, April 20, 2009) who advocates a more holistic “Christian psychology” and currently works in a church context, thinks therapy should progress through a hierarchy of factors. First, Johnson believes that psychologists must address spiritual, then ethical, then psychosocial, and finally biological components of human behavior. The difference between biblical counselors and Christian integrationists is primarily how each views psychology. Integrationists see the Bible as central to understanding the human person, but they also see the redemptive value of psychological science. Johnson, for one, uses prayer and Scripture reading in his psychotherapy, but he also affirms psychology in psychotherapy. There is nothing wrong with control beliefs, according to Wolterstorff, as they are inevitable, but we must embrace these control beliefs and use them to transform the field of psychology (Weaver, 2003, 15). Biblical counseling is not comfortable using psychology in this manner or even addressing its own reliance on foundationalism.

Progressive biblical counseling has been shaped by nouthetic counseling and Christian integrationism and offers promise of reconciliation with integrationism. Yet, theological and psychological evidence suggest that this movement still contains many problems and retains several characteristics of reductionism, despite recent modifications from nouthetic counseling. As Christians still debate the nature of counseling, biblical counseling and Christian integrationism see no signs of reconciliation. Without objective standards and little constructive addition to psychological science, biblical counseling is still too cautious of psychology to emerge from the category of biblical reductionism.

References
Adams, Jay E. (1978). Matters of Concern to Christian Counselors: A potpourri of
principles and practices. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and
Reformed Publishing Co.
Adams, Jay E. (1978). “The Big Umbrella.” In The Big Umbrella: And other essays on Christian counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House.
Adams, Jay E. (1976). What About Nouthetic Counseling? USA: Presbyterian and
Reformed Publishing Co.
Beck, James R. (2003). The integration of psychology and theology: An enterprise
out of balance. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 22, 20-29.
Carter, John D. (2007). Adams’ Theory of Nouthetic Counseling. In Stevenson, Daryl H.,

Eck, Brian E., and Hill, Peter C., (Eds.), Psychology and Christianity Integration: Seminal Works that Changed the Movement (p. 386-401). Batavia, Illinois: Christian Association for Psychological Studies.
Hurley, James B. and Berry, James T. (1997). Response to Welch and Powlison.
Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 16:4, 350-362.
Johnson, Eric. (2007). Foundations for Soul Care: A Christian Psychology Proposal.
Downer’s Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press Academic.
Johnson, Eric and Jones, Stan, eds. (2000). Psychology and Christianity: Four Views.
Downer’s Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press.
Powlison, David (1996). Competent to Counsel? A History of a Conservative Protestant
Anti-Psychiatry Movement (Ph.D. dissertation, University of Pennsylvania).
Powlison, David. (2007) Cure of Souls (and the Modern Psychotherapies). Journal of
Biblical Counseling, 25:2, 5-36.
Powlison, David (2002). Does the Shoe Fit? Journal of Biblical Counseling, 20:3, 2-15.
Price, Robert M. 2007. 5/8/09.
http://www.robertmprice.mindvendor.com/art_biblicism.htm
Smith, Bill (1996). Authors and Arguments in Biblical Counseling: A Review and
Analysis. Journal of Biblical Counseling, 15:1, 9-25.
Weaver, Glenn (2003). Of The Place of Christian Faith and Scripture in Doing
Psychology. In VanderStoep, S. (Ed.), Science and the soul: Christian perspectives on psychological research, University Press of America.
Wolterstorff, Nicholas. Reason within the Bounds of Religion. 2nd ed. Grand Rapids:
William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1984.

Final Philosophy Paper- Aquinas vs. Russell

2009-05-20T15:55:00.000-07:00

The First-Cause Argument: Aquinas and Russell

While Bertrand Russell deems Aquinas’ First-Cause argument a failure, Russell’s criticism does not take into consideration his own underlying philosophical assumptions which pose problems with his reading of Aquinas. I will defend this thesis by first outlining the major features of Aquinas’ cosmological argument and Russell’s criticism against it. Finally, I will look at some of Russell’s assumptions and misconceptions that question the legitimacy of his criticism. This topic is of utmost importance to theists and atheists alike, as God’s existence is a primary existential question that deserves consideration.

Aquinas presented the innovative cosmological argument under the persuasion that God’s existence is not self-evident but can be proven by means of reason. He presented five ways of logically proving God’s existence: arguments from motion, efficient cause, possibility or necessity, gradations, and the governance of things.

The argument from motion begins with the premise that some things undergo change, moving from potentiality to actuality (class notes 4/22/09). Since nothing that undergoes change can cause that change, things that undergo change must be changed by something else (Aquinas 81). Since this process can’t continue into infinity, there must be a first cause of change that isn’t changed by anything, and this cause is God (Aquinas 81). The other causes elaborate on this first principle, but Russell addresses only Aquinas’ First-Cause argument in “Why I Am Not A Theist.”

Russell believes Aquinas’ First-Cause argument to be a failure, even though as a young adult, he actually affirmed this argument. He changed his mind, however, in reading in John Stuart Mill’s autobiography, “My father taught me that the question ‘Who made me?’ cannot be answered, since it immediately suggests the further question, ‘Who made God?’ ” (Russell 87). Russell concludes that if everything must have a cause, God must have a cause. There is no reason, he says, that the world couldn’t have come into being without a cause nor is there reason to think it hasn’t always existed (Russell 87). Our conception of a beginning is a result of our poverty of imagination (Russell 87).

This disagreement comes from different assumptions concerning infinity. Aquinas distinguishes accidentally ordered and essentially ordered series. With accidentally ordered series, causes can stop but the effects continue, such as a child’s continued existence even if the parents die. With an essentially ordered series, the causes can’t cease for the effects to continue. In the case of accidentally ordered series, then, Aquinas affirms infinite regress in an accidentally ordered series but not in an essentially ordered series. If no first cause exists in an essentially ordered series, no other events can occur. Bertrand Russell does not share this hesitance to apply infinite regress to essentially ordered series.

Although Russell critiques Aquinas’ cosmological First-Cause argument philosophically, Russell is biased by his underlying assumptions about religion and also misreads Aquinas. Russell sees faith as a hindrance to philosophy, stating that religion is based on fear and disregard of reality. He says that what really moves people to believe in God is that they’ve “been taught from early infancy to do it” and as a “wish for safety” (Russell).

Russell’s criticism neglects that while Aquinas is biased philosophically, we are all biased in our worldviews. Just as Aquinas is grounded in the Catholic tradition, Russell is grounded in distaste for the church. Russell goes so far as to accuse Aquinas of being so declared in the Catholic faith, he does not engage in objective scientific inquiry (Russell). Yet, Russell neglects the fact that he, too, is so declared in his convictions that neither does he do objective scientific inquiry. Philosophy is never done with a “blank slate” and is inevitably influenced by assumptions and preconceived ideas.

Russell also misreads Aquinas’ argument in reading the Summa historically, rather than seriously considering Aquinas’ argument in a 13th century medieval scholastic context. Aquinas started and ended his work in the context of service to the church, and his writing was primarily for Christians (Bauerschmidt 21).

One objection is that I have not proven Russell’s criticism to be wrong as much as raise concerns with his premises. One could argue that because our assumptions are unavoidable, there is no warrant in judging anything. Yet, just because we all hold assumptions, it doesn’t follow that we should avoid making judgments on anything. Rather, many philosophers are calling for people to embrace their prevailing assumptions rather than ignore their existence (Wolterstorff 70).
Therefore, Russell’s criticism of Aquinas’ First-Cause argument poses concerns in regards to Russell’s own assumptions and misreading of Aquinas. Just because Aquinas believes in the “curious dogma” of the Catholic Church, such prior beliefs do not make his logic unsound. This ongoing debate concerning God’s existence is a crucial existential dilemma that all people must confront.

Work Cited

Aquinas, Thomas.Holy Teaching: Introducing the Summa Theologiae of St. Thomas
Aquinas. Ed. Frederick Bauerschmidt. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2005.
McInerny, Ralph M. and O’Callaghan. “Saint Thomas Aquinas,” The Stanford
Encyclopedia of Philosophy (2005).http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/aquinas/#A7
Russell, Bertrand. “Bertrand Russell’s Best.” Ed. Prof. Robert E. Egner. 5/7/09.
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/2528/br_relig.htm
Russell, Bertrand. “Why I Am Not A Christian” 1996. Bertrand Russell Society. 5/5/09.
http://users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html
Russell, Bertrand. “Why I Am Not A Christian.” In Introduction to Philosophy: Classical
and Contemporary Readings. 4th ed. Ed. John Perry
Wolterstorff, Nicholas. Reason within the Bounds of Religion. 2nd ed. Grand Rapids:
William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1984.

Final Religion Paper... on Augustine and Catherine of Siena

2009-05-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

The soul’s goodness is a little-disputed Christian conviction, but views on the body’s inherent goodness show striking differences. The Augustinian tradition has exerted influence not only on Anselm, Aquinas, and Bonaventure’s theology but also on issues related to the self and body-soul identity. Augustine’s emphasis on the self has prompted further Christian thought about individual identity through the centuries, such as with medieval mysticism. He initiated dialogue on the mysterious dichotomy of body-soul interaction, specifically what it meant for Christians to have eternal souls and yet be trapped in weak vessels (the bodies). Augustine affirmed a positive view of the body and soul, but thought their inherent goodness to be marred by the fall. Thus, the body is good only when aligned with God’s purposes. Augustine believed bodily discipline could help sanctify the soul and align it with God’s original purposes. Consistent with this view, Augustine engaged in rigorous self-denial, solitude, and other spiritual disciplines.

Similar to Augustine, the Italian mystic Saint Catherine of Siena (1347-1380) spent her life grappling with the interaction between body-soul identity and the self. She saw the body as something to transcend, a feat possible through rigorous self-denial, contemplation, and discipline. Catherine of Siena has close similarities with Augustine on the body, but she also develops a much more ascetic sense of bodily denial in comparison to Augustine. Augustine’s influential beliefs on body-soul identity later resurface in the Catherine of Siena’s aesthetic conception of the body. Catherine’s subsequent theology shows a much more extreme, possibly pathological view of the body that far surpasses Augustine’s in physical extremity. First, I will outline Augustine’s influence on the self and then contrast Augustine and Catherine of Siena’s theology of the body as it relates to self-identity. Then, I will examine practical ways in which Augustine and Catherine of Siena used (and misused) their bodies to promote holiness. Finally, it will be possible to assess Catherine of Siena’s modifications to this aspect of Augustinian tradition and her subsequent pathological tendencies.

Christians have reconciled the dichotomy of body and soul in strikingly different ways throughout the centuries, such as with Cartesian dualism, asceticism, and physicalism (in the case of Calvin’s recent speaker Nancy Murphey), just to name a few. Neo-Platonism conceived of immaterial souls that needed a physical vehicle, a view that influenced Augustine (Crabbe 11).
Before discussing Augustine’s theology of the body, it is necessary to understand his conception of the self, a term that for these purposes will further be defined as the sum of self-representations, combining body, soul, and will to form a synthesized identity. Augustine’s theology of human nature is an outflow of prayer and worship, as he articulates in Confessions, which is essentially his internal dialogue with God. At one point Augustine cries out to God, “What, then, am I, O my God? Of what nature am I?” (Confessions 187). Thus, he develops a concept of self-identity starting from a posture of faith, asking God to define his nature. With this starting point of God’s truth, Augustine reasons that nothing except God is good in and of itself (Dixon 200). The self is only good, then, in regards to God because without God, human nature would be void of goodness (Dixon 199).

The problem is that after the fall, people found it possible to love themselves without also loving God (O’Donovan 38, 99). In a sermon, he asserted, “This is your self-love: to love God with the whole of yourself” (O’Donovan 39). Perverse self-love manifests itself in sinful desires, such as selfishness and pride. Augustine saw perverse self-love as self-hate because true self-love is committed to loving God with all of one’s being (O’Donovan 109). Since the fall, the now-depraved human will seeks “things which are forbidden by the highest and deepest Truth” (True Religion 53).

The fallen will seeks happiness with inappropriate means, which he categorized in True Religion as voluptas (bodily pleasure,) curiositas (amusement) and superbia (power) (True Religion 26). These three desires are bodily attempts to seek fulfillment even though it can’t be found except in God. Augustine thus saw creation, human nature, and free will as good, but this inherent goodness has been distorted by the fall. He described the human soul’s three powers, memory, understanding, and free will, as a model of the perichorisis of the Trinity (McDermott 106).
Augustine’s view of the body and soul stem from his theology of the self-identity can be only properly understood in the context of his spiritual biography. Augustine flirted with lusts of the flesh such as sex and drinking, but he soon such pleasures to be meaningless. Augustine then embarked on a search for purpose and became involved with the Manichean and later Neo-Platonist movements. Both are represented in his theology, although Augustine later rejected such movements in favor of the Catholic faith. Augustine rejected the Manichean dualism that affirmed the spiritual as good and physical matter as evil. At the same time, however, his theology of sanctification contains remnants of the Neo-Platonic concept of “mystical ascent of the soul” (O’Donovan 150).

The body and soul are discussed as a cohesive union, but that doesn’t mean both are equally esteemed. Augustine also affirmed a hierarchical order of body and soul, a view also affirmed in other early patristic theology, including his contemporary Ambrose. He saw the body and sensory experiences as inferior compared to the soul and reason (Dixon 115). Augustine regarded bodily experiences as deceptive, enticing, and ensnaring the person from upward ascent to God. Since the soul is capable of knowing and loving God, it has more being, while the body is metaphysically inferior (“Augustine”). Subsequently, Augustine saw the soul as fitted to rule over the body, and the human person is defined as a soul using a body (“Augustine”). Augustine rejected Manichean dualism, but he still advocated a less extreme type of Neo-Platonic dualism.

Augustine saw the soul as fitting to rule the body, but Augustine himself struggled with the body ruling the soul, especially in his sexual sin prior to conversion. In seeking conformity with God’s will, Augustine found it necessary to punish the inferior body in order to promote the superior soul’s growth. If this bodily discipline helped align him with God’s purposes, it would result in Augustine’s own increased self-love. After Augustine’s conversion, he made considerable changes in his life especially in terms of sexual sin, a big change, considering his pre-conversion declaration, “Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet” (Confessions 139). Augustine’s commitment to Christ resulted in a commitment to obey God’s commandments as well. In later theological treatises such as Faith and Works, Augustine articulates that faith without deeds is dead (243). The soul’s ascension, however, is impeded by the vices of bodily pleasures. Augustine sought the soul’s mystical ascent by promoting Christian virtues that serve to help Christians become “free from love of unchangeable things” (True Religion 92). Augustine clearly advocated creation’s goodness, but he also identified the human tendency to become enslaved by lusts of the world. Augustine thus reminded people that “those who feed inwardly on the word of God do not seek pleasure in this desert” (True Religion 77). In order to prevent enslavement by misdirected pleasures, Augustine instructs, “Don’t contend with anything but the habits of your bodies. Conquer those, and you will have conquered everything” (True Religion 73). This eradication of sinful pleasures comes partly from an inward journey of the self, done in a context of Christian community.

To Augustine, the function of the body and soul union can be summarized in one of his mottos: nouerim me, nouerim te (or, May I know myself. May I know you!) (McDermott 118). Despite his conviction of the soul’s superiority, Augustine desired for both soul and body to be in conformity with God’s will.

Catherine of Siena, a medieval mystic and doctor of the church, was born into Christendom centuries past the influence of the Manichean and Neo-Platonist heresies. The Catholic Church had formulated elaborate doctrine concerning original sin, the seven deadly sins, and Purgatory in the centuries proceeding Augustine. Catherine was not only influenced by Augustine indirectly through the church’s adoption of much of the bishop of Hippo’s theology but also through her theology of the body and its relation to self-identity. Catherine lived in an environment more similar in context to Anselm rather than Augustine. In contrast to Augustine’s heresy-plagued North African setting, Catherine was situated in the contemplative, ascetic setting in Christianized Italy.

As with Augustine, it is essential to understand Catherine’s view of the self before concentrating on her theology of the body. Catherine’s search for identity began at a young age. She took a vow of chastity at age 16 and then spent three years locked in a cell in her house for sanctification purposes (McDermott 64). In this locked cell, she had a spiritual crisis in which she sensed God telling her what would become the cornerstone of her identity and theology, “You are she who is not, and I AM HE WHO IS” (McDermott 74). When Catherine emerged after three years, she experienced a faith transformation resulting in increased penitence and outreach to her community of Siena. Self-identity remained a pivotal point of Catherine’s theology and mystical encounters, especially in her most well known work The Dialogue. During one such mystical encounter, Catherine articulates what God revealed to her about the self, “If you should ask me who they are, I would answer… that they are another me; for they have lost and drowned their own will and have clothed themselves and united themselves and conformed themselves with mine” (The Dialogue 26).

Catherine’s theology of the self bears marked resemblance to Augustine’s. Like Augustine, Catherine emphasizes God’s goodness as a stark contrast to the current human condition as a result of the fall. In light of this truth, she emphasizes the importance of human conformity into God’s image. Also consistent with Augustine, Catherine affirms the three powers of the soul modeled on the Trinity: memory (associated with the Father’s power), understanding (comparable to the Son’s wisdom), and free will (knowing the truth of the Holy Spirit) (The Dialogue 104). Her definition of self-love can best be summarized in a passage from one of her letters: “when a soul sees not self for self’s sake, but self for God… He is then moved to love self in God and God in self” (McDermott 124). She rarely mentions “prayer” in her writings because she considers all of her life to be a living prayer seeking loving union with God (McDermott 130).
Catherine makes it clear that conformity to Christ’s likeness involves the synthesis of the whole person, without separating the body and soul. She sees human dignity and beauty as entities of the soul, but her use of the word “soul” here refers to the entirety of self-identity (McDermott 106). If the function of identity is to reflect God’s image, so must the soul must grow to reflect God’s image. Catherine has an extensive literature on sanctification, primarily addressing sanctification of the souls’ three powers, memory, understanding, and will. She also employed metaphors to illustrate principles of spiritual development.

In addition to Catherine’s model of sanctification bearing similarity to Augustine’s, it also shares his emphasis on the detrimental effects of sin impeding human effort of sanctification. Catherine expresses strong hatred toward sin, describing it as ultimately “perverse” and comparable with adultery and injustice to God (McDermott 110). Catherine believes that sin derives from misuse of free will and desire that is often derived from “selfish self-love” (McDermott 110). Catherine describes selfish self-love as the root of all evil and considers it a mortal enemy (McDermott 112). The fall leads people to act in a perverted triad of sensuality, selfish self-love and self-hatred. With spiritual growth, however, the believer slowly conforms to a redeemed triad of reason, conscience, and holy self-hatred. Catherine summarizes that one can come to God only through “hatred of self and love of Christ” (McDermott 112).

Her teachings on sanctification also discuss how to attain perfection of the soul, which contrasts markedly with Augustine’s conviction that while humans should aim to conform to Christ’s likeness, they will never reach perfection. Catherine affirmed the doctrine of grace but hardly saw it as a substitute for rigorous sanctification and soul growth. Catherine’s theology documented her mystical encounters with God, focusing on eradication of the false self by discipline of misguided desires in hopes of attaining perfection.

Catherine of Siena equally advocated radical self-denial, but she advocated self-discipline that most found disconcerting and destructive. She spent her life living up to these words, “I have nothing to give but what you have given me. Take my heart, then, and squeeze it out over this bride’s face” (Noffke 33). Catherine took Augustine’s spiritual ascent metaphor and developed it thoroughly, filling books recounting her visions in which God told her exactly how the soul could ascend to His level. An early metaphor of the “cells of self-knowledge” emphasizes her two-fold commitment to both inward and outward “cells” (McDermott 122). One of Catherine’s most famous metaphors is that of the Bridge stages of spiritual development. Adopting from Augustine, Catherine states that the initial point on the “Christ-bridge” starts when one’s affections and desires (both derived from the will) are re-ordered (McDermott 165). In these stages, however, the “great enemy of progress” is selfish self-love at every stage (McDermott 167). The second stage involves trials that will help the faithful servant strip away residual egoism (McDermott 170). The third stage involves death of the self-will and finding glory in suffering (McDermott 189). After that, Catherine believes that only then will a Christian possess perfection. Her strategy of conformity to the godhead is more structured, mystical, and ascetic than Augustine’s, but it contains many of the same disciplinary training measures.

Having looked at how Catherine of Siena and Augustine view the body in relation to the self, it is now possible to assess the extremity by which they disciplined their bodies for the purposes of sanctification. Both of these saints actively practiced self-denial and bodily discipline as means of soul growth. Their methods of sanctification led to treatment of the body that don’t seem healthy or glorifying to God according to modern standards. Augustine and Catherine of Siena both exploited their bodies for the purpose of sanctification, although they engaged in such behaviors in varying severity.

Augustine’s regime of bodily discipline included extensive penitence, voluntary fasting, and continence, all done to bring him closer to God. He strove to conquer his bodily pleasures by bringing his body into subjection” in a daily war with fasting (Confessions 197). Augustine grew so conscious of the evil lusts of the flesh, he remarked about a bite of food, “in that very moment that the snare of appetite lies” (Confessions 197). It is not about the food itself for Augustine, but it is in the lust and pleasure that enslaves him after tasting a bite of delicious food. He further writes about hearing a voice, “Do not follow your lusts and refrain from your pleasures” (Confessions 198). As he grows in faith, Augustine seeks to refrain from nourishing carnal desires, fearing an “incontinent appetite” (Confessions 207). Although Augustine must have found it difficult to subject his body to rigorous discipline, Augustine saw self-denial as a positive “higher continence” of the heart (Schlabach). To him, sexual and physical denial was a gift that not only refused “consent to those evil inclinations that remain within a Christian, but above all to confess that whenever one either resists evil or does good, it is Christ, ‘not I,’ who now lives ones very life” (Schlabach). Augustine paradoxically views spiritual ascent coming from denying perverse self-love because only in destroying that can we discover our true selves. A means of going about destruction of perverse self-love is by using the body as training in self-denial.

Catherine’s drive for sanctification involved such severe bodily discipline, she died as a result at only 33. From a young age, she became unable to eat due to an “infirmary,” which she later said was a positive disease because it helped cure her “gluttony” (Walker Bynum 169). Catherine spent years starving and purging, an observation reiterated by multiple sources (Walker Bynum 169). Catherine’s extreme fasting far surpassed Augustine’s fasting, which is partly due to cultural factors present during Catherine’s time. Medieval aesthetics had established a precedence of extreme religious fasting, as was the case with the Desert Fathers, a monastic community whom Catherine regarded highly. The Catholic centrality of the Lord’s Supper partly influenced Catherine’s extreme food behaviors, and she reportedly ate nothing but the Eucharist for several years (The Dialogue 292). Catherine also saw such fasting to be a worthy punishment for her sins, as a distorted method of penitence. She writes about being “insatiably and continually hungry,” which God gives the soul for certainty of “full payment” (The Dialogue 192). European culture apart from monasticism also had a preoccupation with the body and one’s power over it (Walker Bynum 255).

Catherine’s bodily discipline did not just involve eating, however. She sought to take control of her “selfish sensuality” and asked God if she might be privileged enough to suffer and be in pain (The Dialogue 33). Catherine took self-denial to an extreme: she allowed herself only one-half hour of sleep every other day, wrapped a chain with crosses around her body so tightly that she bled, scourged her body three times a day with a chain that was tipped with sharp hooks, and at the end of her life refused not only food but drinks with the exception of Communion wine (Talbot 91). She saw suffering as a means of imaging God through using her life as a model of the Incarnation (Walker Bynum 179). Catherine’s extreme behaviors have caused recent speculation on her possible anorexia and violent practices from psychological and feminist perspectives, but there is no consensus about Catherine’s specific mental pathology (Walker Bynum 179). While Catherine of Siena practiced self-harm to her death, her writings ironically show that the self-harm that killed her actually derived from God-centered love of the self. She saw her self-punishment through the model of the Incarnation (Jesus’ self-denying love), rather than using her life to model the Resurrection.

Augustine and Catherine of Siena have similar theological convictions concerning the self and sanctification. They both have a united, but hierarchical, view of the body and soul. Yet, the extremity of bodily discipline varies significantly between Augustine and Catherine of Siena. Augustine practiced self-denial as a means of sanctification, renouncing alluring lusts of the flush and denying the body as training for the perverted will. Catherine of Siena’s radical self-denial far surpassed even Augustine’s extensive usage of bodily harm. Augustine provided insight into the self, body, and soul that would establish precedence for centuries to come. This Augustinian conception of self and body has exerted influence on Catherine of Siena’s theology. In her extreme, perhaps pathological, modification of the Augustinian tradition, she reveals the danger of extolling “holy” self-denial while actually promoting severe mental and physical abuse. Although Augustine himself did not take such practices to an extreme, his emphasis on bodily control contributed to Catherine of Siena’s excessive self-denial at the expense of her health, life, and mental condition.

Work Cited
Augustine. On Christian Belief. Ed. Boniface Ramsey.
Augustine. Confessions. Dover Publications Inc., 2002.
"Augustine." People on the Web at Boston University. 18 May 2009.
http://people.bu.edu/wwildman/WeirdWildWeb/courses/wphil/lectures/wphil_theme06.htm.
Bell, Rudolph M. Holy Anorexia. Chicago: The University of Chicago Press, 1985.
Catherine of Siena. The Dialogue. New York: Paulist Press, 1980.
Crabbe, M. James C., ed. From Soul to Self. London: Routledge, 1999.
Dixon, Sandra L. Augustine: The Scattered and Gathered Self. St. Louis: Chalice Press, 1999.
McDermott, Thomas. Catherine of Siena: Spiritual Development in Her Life and Teaching. New York: Paulist Press, 1989.
Noffke, Suzanne. Catherine of Siena: Vision Through a Distant Eye. Collegeville: The Liturgical P, 1996.
O'Donovan, Oliver. The Problem of Self-Love in St. Augustine. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1980.
Schlabach, Gerald W. ""Love is the Hand of the Soul": The Grammar of Continence in Augustine's Doctrine of Christian Love." Journal of Early Christian Studies 6:1 (1998).
Talbot, John M. "The Way of Suffering: Catherine of Siena." The Way of the Mystics: Ancient Wisdom for Experiencing God Today. San Fransisco: Jossey-Bass, 2005.
Walker Bynum, Caroline. Holy Feast and Holy Fast. Berkeley: University of California P, 1987.

Jubilee Fellows Final Assignment- Rule of Life

2009-05-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

As a preface to this “Rule of Life,” I would just like to clarify how I’m approaching the assignment. After reading Augustine’s Confessions and Anselm’s Proslogion, I have been convinced that theology should come from a context of worship and deep devotion. If God is relational and theology is conversational, I strive to embed my theology in the reciprocal process of listening and speaking. Defragmented from God, theology can do more harm than good. When a “Rule of Life” becomes an end in itself, a Pharisaical legalism can ensue. Much of my life, I have gone through the motions, engaging in the rituals, doing the “right things,” no questions asked. The Pharisees tithed even a tenth of their spices, but their hearts were not in the right place, and that’s what mattered to God. Similarly, I want to make sure that my “Rule of Life” invokes the cavity of my heart rather than just the exterior persona.

Rule of Life

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14 (TNIV)

Since the beginning of time, You foreordained my birth in 1988 to Carol and Alan Sandy in Detroit, Michigan. Out of all of the billions of people, out of all the billions of cultures, out of all the billions of embryos, out of all the billions of environments, You chose to put me here, in this time, in this place. When I look up in the stars and see how You’ve orchestrated everything, both on a macro level (the universe) and micro level (the intimate details of my life), I stand in awe of You. Perhaps it’s because I’m existential at heart, but when I open my eyes in such a seemingly random life situation, I thirst for purpose. My teleological disposition lends itself to an obvious God-shaped whole in my heart. When I first learned about Your cosmic purpose for humanity at camp at age 13, I was consumed in love. I wanted to be a part of God’s work in the world. If giving You glory is the purpose of life, I wanted to strive with every molecule of my being to do just that. As a popular Christian song says, “What can I say?/ And what can I do?/ But offer this heart, O God/ Completely to you./ So I stand/ My heart unto You surrendered/ In awe/ Of the One Who gave it all… All I am is Yours.” . You deserve all the honor and glory.

I have a Heavenly Father who has given me all that I need, but I have turned away from you, O God. I have screamed and plugged my ears to keep from hearing You… and then I wonder why You “aren’t answering.” I am hot and cold, sweet and sour, like the church of Laodicea. I keep You at arm’s distance, sometimes beckoning You into the intimate parts of my life, and other times I push You far away into the back of the closet. If I had a friend who treated me like I treat You, I would not be friends with that person (in fact, if we were on speaking terms and not resentful that would practically be a miracle). Daily, however, You call me back. As is in Your Word, “My heart has heard You say, ‘Come and talk with Me.’ And my heart responds, ‘Lord, I am coming’ ” (Psalm 27:8, NLT).

Even though I don’t always act like it, God, I want to see You. I want to give You glory. I want to be how You have meant for me to be. God, I am like the father in Mark 9:24, “Lord, I believe… help my unbelief.” You are the potter, and I am the clay, but sometimes I want to be the potter… and you know I’m not very artistic. I pledge to You, Lord, the following document, of how I will strive to glorify You in every facet of my life. God, please give me grace for every time I fail and courage to get back up again. Live in me, O God; be my consuming fire! Be thou my vision! I ask You to come into every component of my being. Infuse me with Your spirit and life, that I may love you more fully day by day and follow Your commands.

God, I pledge to follow what You have outlined for Your creatures in Your Word:

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV), Deuteronomy 6:5 (this verse adds loving God with all strength), Leviticus 19:18

1. I strive to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
a. Heart- God, it is so easy for me to go through the motions. It is so easy to get caught up in the lie that I must worship for the sake of appeasing an angry God. I will feel badly about not doing “enough” for God, as if I must pay my daily “God dues” of prayer and Bible reading of some sort. If I fall through on that, I feel even guiltier and strive to do more… and then fall again. You don’t want my scrap “duty time,” as if I must pay my wages. It is like a relationship; technically, a husband doesn’t have to spend time with his wife, but that is bad for the relationship. If the husband really loves the wife, he would want to spend time with her, bond with her, think about her, and give her gifts. A wife shouldn’t demand a certain amount of flowers per day as if it’s a wage; she wants her husband to want to engage with her. It is not the action that appeases her as does the outflow of his heart.

God, I am afraid to give you my heart because it’s so fragile, and I’m afraid You will break it. I know You won’t, but I fear it nonetheless. Like Eve, I doubt Your goodness. My heart’s desires are so delicate, and I give them to You in baby steps. I question Your ability to carry my heart’s desires because I am terrified of the unknown. I compare myself with others, fear the future, and doubt Your promises. I withhold things from You, repressing them back just far enough where Satan can use them, and soon enough, a wall of bitterness has been built.

Lord, in order to love You with my heart, there are some steps I need to take:
-I must start by trusting You with little things and building up gradually (kind of like systematic desensitization)….
-I must attune my heart to Your’s with a steady diet of prayer, Scripture, solitude, and Christian community.
-I must live for an audience of One, and keep my eyes fixed on You, rather than comparing myself with others.
-I must spend time with You, but not spending time as with a legalistic compulsion. I don’t want this to be another thing to check off the list.
-I must let You into the deep wounds and inside gunk of my heart in order for You to heal me.

b. Soul- The Hebrew word for soul is “nephesh” (Greek: psuche*) a term that refers to the whole being, including the body. The soul is a composite term used in various contexts to describe an embodied essence of self. Rather than seeing the soul as a disembodied, floating ball of identity, “nephesh” promotes a much more holistic view of the soul as a united being.
Biblical reference to the soul often uses the metaphors of hunger, thirst, and desire- the hunger inside for something more. My soul is starving for the living God, and unfortunately, in such hunger I am ready to eat anything to satisfy my appetite. I seek fulfillment in other things, and then I am depressed when actions or behaviors don’t satisfy the inmost desires of my soul. Psalm 42 eloquently expresses this dilemma (note the word “soul” as a translation of nephesh):

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God… Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God (NIV).

God, without You, I constantly search for something that I’ll never find because the answer is YOU! Psalm 37:4 can be used as a proof-text used to support a health-and-wealth mindset, but upon a closer reading, it does not appear so. The psalmist instructs us to “delight in the Lord” for then we will receive the “desires of our hearts.” Perhaps what the psalmist meant is that if we delight in God, we will receive His spirit and presence, and that is our heart’s desire.

Lord, I make and worship idols instead of listening to the words of Jesus, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never grow hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty” (John 6:35, NIV). Help me accept You as God in my life. I am a addictive person, and I easily develop false idols that inhibit my relationship with You. I am like how C.S. Lewis described in “The Weight of Glory”:

“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Here are some things I must do to in order to habituate myself to getting nourishment from the only true soul food:
- I must feast on the Word of God rather than on tempting food that will not satisfy
- I must spend time away from the noise and clutter of everyday life, hearing from You in solitude.
- I must take breaks because I am not a machine, and even God worked hard for six days and took the seventh off, and He is God.
- I must spend time meditating on, “Be still and know that I am God.”
- I must embrace my soul’s insatiable thirst and hunger and recognize that God has given me everything I need, plus infinitely more. He has called me His friend and offered me eternal satiation. God has made my insatiable appetite for a reason: You want it to be filled… not with the filth of this world, but with the richness of Your love.

c. Mind- One of my famous verses is Romans 12:2, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (NIV). God, my mind is in such need of renewal. God, You well know that my cognition is so broken. I don’t see myself as You see me, and I don’t see others as You see them. I have filled my mind with garbage, and it reflects through my actions.

I so easily adopt the attitudes of my culture, society, friends, and family. I inadvertently assume so many things of which I’m not even conscious. Despite the fact that I call myself a Christian, I hold so many attitudes that are not indicative of that. For instance, I know that Jesus has reconciled me to God, but I live with the underlying assumption that I must work for salvation. I claim that I am nice to others, but then I find myself engaging in gossip (often done even with a Christian spin… “… pray for her….”).

I feed into the lies that I am unlovable, inadequate, hopeless, worthless, irredeemable, and a failure. I am swollen with pride, lifting myself up to such a level with personal insults, “I am the only person in the world who doesn’t deserve to be loved.” Subsequently, such a self-concept feeds into selfishness, and my view of other people changes as well. By obsessing about my personal inadequacy, I am elevating myself above them.

My schemas, or lenses, through which I interpret everything are so broken. God, You know how my mind is a blessing and a curse… a blessing in that You have given me intellect and a curse in that my cognition is so easily misguided. I don’t want to be transformed by the pattern of this world. I want to have healthy, Christ-centered conceptions of the universe.

In order to do that, I will do the following things:
- I must spend time memorizing the Word to counter Satan’s attempts to trick me with His lies.
-I must slowly change my schemas according to God’s truth so that God can infuse His redeeming love into the lies I believe about myself and the world.
-I must seek wisdom so that I may know and understand the truth.

d. Strength- Romans 12:1- “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.”

1 Corinthians 6:19-20- “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

My body is a gift. This breath is a gift. My legs are a gift. My intellect is a gift. My energy is a gift. I am Your masterpiece, Your workmanship. You have bought me with a high price. Therefore, what else could I do besides offer my body back to You as a living sacrifice?

My body is a dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. I don’t take that idea seriously. I confess that I have not honored You with my body. I have not treated myself like a temple of the Holy Spirit. I have not honored You with all my strength. When I treat my body like dirt and waste my energy on frivolous pursuits, help me see that it’s not just me I’m hurting but You.

In order to do strive for renewed strength:
- I must give my body the nourishment it needs, including adequate sleep, food, water, and exercise.
-I must

2. I strive to love my neighbor as myself- You care for all human beings and desire their wholeness. As Your hands and feet on the earth, the church has a responsibility to care for the least of these. God, You call Your people to be a city on a hill, the light of the world. You want us to be separate from and yet in the world. You want a body with whom You can partner with in restoring shalom to the ends of the earth. You don’t want Your people to be walking around like insurance salesmen looking for people who will buy a “magic get-into-Heaven-free” pass, nor do You want people to attend selectively to physical concern at the expense of spiritual issues. You are interested in the whole person, and You desire for us to love people as You love them.

Your love calls us to treat others as fellow image-bearers of God, which includes listening, caring, discussing, genuinely expressing concern, and helping others as much as possible. You call us to respect the dignity and worth of Your creation. I want to love others as You love them, God, and as a selfish being, altruism is not something that comes naturally to me. I want to live out what Paul wrote to the Philippians, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

In order to best love my neighbors as myself:
-I must care for the physical, psychological, and emotional aspects of humanity in addition to just spiritual care because all issues are interwoven with spiritual facets.
-I must visit those in prison, help orphans, widows, and those oppressed- this is the language Your Word uses to describe the idea that we should help the least of these, those who are devoid of resources, hope, or the love of Christ.
-I must go and make disciples of all nations (not converts but disciples). In other words, I must invest time into other people in hopes that they will strive to conform into Christ’s likeness.

God, I offer You these suggestions in hopes that You might transform me inside and out, according to Your image, and in the process, transform others as well. God, even when I’m tired and unmotivated to follow You, please give me the strength to take up my cross and follow You. Help me love You and others as You have loved me. Help my roots grow deeper and deeper in You and draw nourishment through You.

Insight from Lewis

2009-05-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in FOREVER because I've had finals and papers and craziness. But now I have time to catch up a bit, so here's a quote from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity that I like a lot. Jesus refers so many times to "poverty," but there is a sense in which "poverty" can mean so much more than economical. Having struggled with some personality defects and "inferiority complexes" of my own, it is refreshing to hear that God judges us all according to that which we have been given: if much is given, much is expected. But God understands our circumstances. Amen!

"Christ said 'Blessed are the poor' and 'How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom,' and no doubt He primarily meant the economically rich and economically poor. But do not His words also apply to another kind of riches and poverty? One of the dangers of having a lot of money is that you may be quite satisfied with the kinds of happiness money can give and so fail to realise your need for God. If everything seems to come simply by signing cheques, you may forget that you are at every moment totally dependent on God. Now quite plainly, natural gifts carry with them a similar danger. If you have sound nerves and intelligence and health and popularity and a good upbringing, you are likely to be quite satisfied with your character as it is. 'Why drag God into it?' you may ask. A certain level of good conduct comes fairly easily to you. You are not one of those wretched creatures who are always being tripped up by sex, or dipsomania, or nervousness, or bad temper. Everyone says you are a nice chap and (between ourselves) you agree with them. You are quite likely to believe that all this niceness is your own doing: and you may easily not feel the need for any better kind of goodness. Often people who have all these natural kinds of goodness cannot be brought to recognise their need for Christ at all until, one day, the natural goodness lets them down and their self-satisfaction is shattered. In other words, it is hard for those who are 'rich' in this sense to enter the Kingdom.

It is very different for the nasty people - the little, low, timid, warped, thin-blooded, lonely people, or the passionate, sensual, unbalanced people. If they make any attempt at goodness at all, they learn, in double quick time, that they need help. It is Christ or nothing for them. It is taking up the cross and following-or else despair. They are the lost sheep; He came specially to find them. They are (in one very real and terrible sense) the 'poor': He blessed them. They are the 'awful set' He goes about with - and of course the Pharisees say still, as they said from the first, 'if there were anything in Christianity those people would not be Christians.'

There is either a warning or an encouragement here for every one of us. If you are a nice person - if virtue comes easily to you-beware! Much is expected from those to whom much is given. If you mistake for your own merits what are really God's gifts to you through nature, and if you are contented with simply being nice, you are still a rebel: and all those gifts will only make your fall more terrible, your corruption more complicated, your bad example more disastrous. The Devil was an archangel once; his natural gifts were as far above yours as yours are above those of a chimpanzee.

If you are a poor creature- poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual, perversion- nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends-do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all-not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)

'Niceness'- wholesome, integrated personality - is an excellent thing. We must try by every medical, educational, economic, and political means in our power to produce a world where as many people as possible grow up `nice'; just as we must try to produce a world where all have plenty to eat. But we must not suppose that even if we succeeded in making everyone nice we should have saved their souls. A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world - and might even be more difficult to save."

Check this out, this is GREAT:

2009-04-24T13:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=PlayList&p=6B68C3EC0F5CF992&index=0&playnext=1

Aerobic Cross-Training Paper

2009-04-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

The problem in studying eating disorders is that the classroom can’t do justice to the reality of the issue being described.

Of course, it is easy to understand eating disorders intellectually. Statistics are a “safe” way to absorb facts but with distance to the actual disease. Apparently over 8 million Americans have eating disorders. Three percent of young women and girls suffer from anorexia (Facts for Activists). These numbers float around our minds, melding with the thousands of other numbers and statistics in our unconscious.

The most common response is, “How could they just do that to themselves? Why would you want to starve yourself, or gorge on junk and purge?” Yet, this response is not “socially respectable,” so people force some sympathy but internally brand anorexics as “crazy.” Others lament that they can’t be as “dedicated” as these anorexic women and wish they had as much willpower. Either way, the disorder is dismissed as something so outlandish and incomprehensible that they register it in a safe format of statistics.

Anywhere from 10-20% of people suffering from an eating disorder will die from it (Facts for Activists). That’s another popular statistic to bounce around. Obviously, this is a very high mortality rate and should be considered with utmost seriousness, but it also reveals a cultural tendency toward the black and white, to the extremes. In society, people love complete failure and complete success. Just look at American Idol: who gets airtime? The William Hungs and Kelly Clarkstons. The best and the worst. People Magazine features miraculous weight loss stories, while talk shows have stories about people so grossly obese they cannot move. Black and white. Eating disorders are seen in the same way. The deathly skinny anorexics, like the recent model deaths or Karen Carpenter, are given the utmost attention in the media. Then you also hear tons of success stories.

Society wags its finger in our faces. Karen Carpenter serves as the “moral of the story” about what not to do, and then others are extolled when they have miraculous recovery stories. Why the contrast? By labeling eating disorders in their extremes, it is less threatening. People can always sigh in relief, “At least I’m not that bad.” Concentrating on the extremes also falsely depicts eating disorders as leading to either a fairy-tale happy ending or premature death. Addiction is dark and scary, but putting it into a fairy-tale light, it is much more approachable.

Looking at death and recovery stories puts people at a distance from the problem. It’s like a chick flick and the couple is not getting along (or insert other typical chick flick plot line here). You know that the movie is not going to take a sinister turn; you know that at the end of 1 hour and 55 minutes, this man and woman will be together. The same applies to tragedy movies. Even if things seem to be going well in a drama, you know that something is foreboding. Similarly, eating disorder stories are told from these vantage points. Either it is described as a tragedy or inspiration, and you know what’s coming next. The mind, then, can form appropriate defense mechanisms to keep the story just far enough away from the heart.

Eating disorder recovery follows in the rule of thirds: about 1/3 of those with eating disorders fully recover from the disorder, another 1/3 vacillate between recovery and relapse, and the final 1/3 do not recover. Well, if we’re hearing about the 2/3’s in the extremes, what about the other 1/3? What happens to people who have eating disorders? What if they don’t die or completely recover? What if you don’t know how the movie is going to end? What if you’re in the movie, and you don’t know how it’s going to end? It’s easy to look at an experience from a far distance and analyze it. But what if the wounds are fresh? What if the wounds might not go away?

No one made graphic movies on the Holocaust right after World War II. It was too sensitive a subject, too close in proximity to the actual event. To have a movie on the Holocaust so soon would cut open that fresh wound. It would put people in touch with a horror of humanity. It would be personal, scary, and too close for comfort.

Hollywood has banked on our culture’s addiction to distance and separation to things that might seem too close. It is true that many people can’t really understand eating disorders, but more accurately, no one wants to… because that would bring someone in contact with the spiral of mental illness, with the allure of addiction, with the questions, with the paradox, with the pain. And that’s way, way too close for comfort.

It’s been eight years since it all started for me. I can’t describe what it’s like more than I could describe what love is like or what suffering is like. Eating disorders can be understood only through experience and close proximity to it. I can’t do it justice by simply listing off my symptoms. Yeah, maybe I lost weight, and yeah, maybe I became addicted to exercise. What of it? A list cannot describe the last eight years of a complicated eating disorder. It can’t explain the depth of misery, of hunger, of recovery and relapse, of going to a treatment center, of tears, of lies, of crying out to God. It can’t explain the consuming addiction of debilitating hunger; not just any hunger, but a hunger that gnaws at your very insides that can’t even be satiated by imagining endless buffet binges all day. It can’t explain the pain and lies that enveloped my family and friends. It can’t explain the frustration of trying every antidepressant and therapy known to man, with no lasting relief.

In the last eight years, it’s been so clear that people want the “punch line,” the end of the story. In the tension of questions and unanswered prayer, the absence of shalom, a common response is to help me “fix” the situation. I am told that it’s about “control,” “my parents,” “cultural pressure,” “being afraid to grow up.” In order words, What are you going to do about it? Even in classrooms, it is very easy to dangerously misrepresent eating disorders in a simple problem-solution paradigm.

Solutions are in style. Society projects the glamorous “quick-fix” mantra to such an extent that it permeates all facets of our lives. What do you do when you need to get somewhere fast? Drive. What do you do if you need to lose weight? Take these pills. What if you don’t like the way your nose? Get surgery. People, then, cannot understand why there can’t be an easy way out. It is inferred that the underlying problem must be simple. The subliminal message is, Take care of your crap and stop making excuses.

Well, in psychopathology, it’s not always that simple. Sure, the physical symptoms may sound so absurdly complex. What happens if someone isn’t eating and should be eating? Well, get them to eat, of course! It is deceptively simple, and thus, misunderstood. There is so much more underlying the physical symptoms of eating disorders. Usually it’s not about just one factor. For instance, if someone finds out they’re trying to control their food intake because the rest of their life feels out of control, that issue is usually just a part of the problem. Behavior is the result of an integration of cultural, biological, spiritual, cognitive, and psychosocial causes. There are no “quick fixes” in unraveling the psyche.

It’s not just about the food, but it’s not just about “fear of getting fat” or “control” either. Sometimes it is. Sometimes people have a little bout of anorexia or bulimia and never suffer from it again. 2/3 of the time, however, the eating disorder lingers. The reason is because eating disorders can have deep roots. My co-morbid OCD, for example, has made the situation largely more complicated and frustrating to treat. Those with depression or mood disorders also might find eating disorder recovery difficult. Biological deficiencies, such as hormonal or neurotransmitter imbalances, can further complicate treatment. The bodily effects of starvation can harm mental functioning that might otherwise help victims make healthy decisions. Then of course, it is easy to “recover”… only to relapse again a month later, a year later, ten years later. And when it comes back, it’s always even worse than the first time and always quicker. When it’s been so long, it almost becomes a lifestyle. Eating disorder patients hate giving up their behaviors because they like them. It’s addicting. It’s functional. Once someone has an eating disorder, it almost doesn’t matter what causes are underlying. It gushes out of control and grows a life of its own. It invades the self, the heart, the mind, and of course the body.

It is consuming, more consuming than a full time job. If an anorexic says, “Oh, I never think about food. I don’t have time to eat” that is a huge lie. Anorexics can think of food up to 90% of the time… always thinking and dreaming of it, but never eating it. Once it’s started, it is a force to be reckoned with. Even when weight has been restored, the desire to restrict, to binge, to over-exercise, is alluring.

People do recover quickly and completely, but more often it’s like a little kid tasting dessert for the first time: there’s no going back… at least not completely. That part of the eating disorder, the consuming, addicting, fervent, relentless, desiring monster, is not only something others don’t understand but they don’t want to understand. It’s much easier to have a happy ending and avoid all the filler in between. Sadly, Christians are guilty of that just as much as everyone else. I have seen countless books advertising “freedom from addiction”… as long as you pray and read their book. I have gone through Bible verses concerning food. I have gotten counsel in a church setting. I have been very disappointed in the immediate response, even in the body of Christ, to neatly sweep up all the brokenness with a “quick fix.” In Christian eating disorder literature, I almost find it more disturbing not only because serious eating disorders aren’t scrutinized seriously but the implication is, “If you prayed more, God would heal you.” Eating disorders involve physicality, so unlike cancer, Christians with eating disorders are held as responsible agents able to revoke their sinful behavior at any time.

I became a Christian at a summer camp while I was starving myself. My eating disorder and life as a Christian started out in a disturbingly intertwined fashion. My OCD manifested itself to Bible-reading and compulsive praying. I have also noticed a trend in many Christians to disguise mental health issues with a Jesus bow on top. Food is important in the Bible, so fasting and feasting are common biblical references. Certain medieval saints, such as Catherine of Siena starved themselves to death… in the name of Jesus (Bell). And then they were canonized. Today, it is common to see Christian diet books and fitness books. My aunt was on “The Maker Diet” once, which advocates only foods Jesus would have eaten.

In reality, one projection is that the average length of anorexia is a decade, but breast cancer and obesity have better treatment capacity (Facts for Anyone).

I am sick of solutions. I am sick of people reducing a real problem to some elementary psychobabble. In a recent series on the book of Lamentations, Rob Bell argued that our culture of denial doesn’t advocate the ancient practice of lamenting (“Learning to Lament in a Culture of Denial”). An old Jewish practice goes like this: after death, it was customary for family friends and relatives to just go to the mourning home and sit with them. They wouldn’t offer condolescences or offer some corny Hallmark-esque advice. They would just sit with them. The most important thing the church can do for eating disorders is to provide solidarity. Sometimes I don’t want answers; sometimes I want someone to sit with me in the questions. I want someone to walk alongside me quietly and without reassurance. I love the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Before Jesus did that, however, He WEPT with Mary and Martha, grieving that loss with them. Only then did Jesus raise Lazarus. Jesus wasn’t into “quick fixes,” and neither should the church.

Understanding an eating disorder intellectually is a stark contrast to the living hell of an eating disorder. The world has enough quick-fix solutions. There are more types of therapy and treatment centers than I could count. What we need from the church is love, solidarity, true care. We don’t want Christianized psychobabble or inane comfort. We just want someone to walk with us in the process, even if none of us knows how the story is going to end.

Recent Thoughts

2009-04-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

I have not had much time to write, and so many things are on my mind, but I really don't have time to articulate them all. So, here is a list of things that are on my radar. Part of it has to do with my amazing classes and all I'm learning. Seriously, everything I read and write about for class is what I want to be doing... and all of my classes mesh well together. In philosophy, Augustinian theology, and psych and religion (my capstone class) I learn similar things from different perspectives. In each discipline, we discuss the soul, personal identity, apologetics, human freedom, faith and reason, implications of faith, etc. Then I apply that knowledge to more contemporary ministry readings in my Jubilee Fellows class. I LOVE it!!!!!! Anyway, back to my list:

1. My senior thesis is going to be on nouthetic counseling, a view which fascinates me. Nouthetic or biblical counseling is "psychological reductionism" that pretty much rejects any sort of psychology or psychiatry in treating mental illness. These counselors tend to use the Bible and prayer as a sole measure of truth. Now, this brief description does not do nouthetic counseling justice, but you get the point. I was surprised to learn that my church in Ann Arbor actually advocates this method of counseling! More than that, many conservative evangelicals do, including big names like John MacArthur and John Piper. I was shocked at first to hear that. Biblical counseling sees little merit in psychology and treats the Bible like a "textbook" for living. Maybe this is obvious coming from a psych major, but this position infuriates me, especially in terms of its implications on psychopathology. Next week for my final project, I will be interviewing Eric Johnson, a self-labeled "Christian psychologist" who seeks to integrate psychology and theology in a less reductionistic way. I don't know enough information about the newborn "Christian psychology" movement to have an opinion on it, but I remain impressed with the psychology programs at Fuller, Wheaton, and Biola (Rosemead).

2. Also in psych and religion, we read this fascinating article entitled "Prayer" by Dr. David Myers of Hope (also the author of a controversial book supporting gay marriage from a Christian perspective). The article discussed "intercessory prayer," i.e. praying for the needs of others. Myers argues that God knows everything, including what we're going to ask Him already, so intercessory prayer can be superstitious. It also can lead to false conclusions. For example, let's say that Martha prayed for her husband, Bob, to be healed, and he was healed. Then Jessie prayed for her sister Tanya, and Tanya died. Does this mean that God listened to Martha and ignored Jessie? Does that mean Martha has that "extra little something" that would make God listen to her more? Obviously not. Thus, prayer can lead to pride (Martha) and shame (Jessie) when in reality, it was in God's control the whole time. Myers suggests praying based on the Lord's Prayer and advocates intercessory prayer if used wisely. We read this article in the light of a discussion on "perspectivalism," a way of explaining psychology and religion also advocated by MacKay. That can get a bit confusing, but basically, there are problems with Myers' argument here.

3. I have been living in distraction and denial lately. I don't know what's happened to me. At U of M I was so vocal about mental illness awareness, etc. Here, I NEVER talk about that kind of stuff, or bring it up to people, or talk about it with anyone, even in therapy. Part of it is due to discouragement. I don't think any treatment options available can help me with my certain set of problems, and I've coped with that by just refusing to talk or think about it anymore. Plus, I'm frustrated with Christian approach to psychopathology (see #1). I guess maybe I project that frustration onto God. Lately, however, I have been invigorated by the idea of mental health in Christianity. In researching for my final religion paper, I have come across two interesting books: Holy Anorexia (on medieval saints' extreme anorexia-like self-denial) and Can Christianity Cure Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? (which describes the OCD symptoms of people like Luther and John Bunyan). I found that fascinating because I haven't heard mental health addressed in so long. Rob Bell has been going over Lamentations, a book that hardly anyone preaches on, partly because he thinks we live in a culture of denial. In the Calvin bubble, I totally see that. I've noticed that as I've shunned my mental illness into a dark corner of my soul to rust, my spirituality has been significantly diminished. God wants ALL of me, even my broken parts, and I have basically told Him, "It's pointless. You can't come into that area of my life anymore." In denying something so central to me, I am denying part of my self, part of my soul, part of ME. The church is so quick to provide answers, but I don't want a quick fix. I want someone to sit with me, to love me, to be with me, lament with me. I am fallen and bruised, and I just need to sit for a few minutes and apply ointment and bandages. God wants my soul to be cleansed, but because it's too hard, I've just blocked it out. If I never have any time to think about it, if I'm always busy, it's easier to ignore that. In the meantime, however, I have lost healthy contemplation time. I have neglected stillness in the presence of God. Instead, I have been limping, trying to control my own life without His help. John Ortberg recently preached a sermon involving a car illustration: who's driving the car (metaphor for the self)? Is it you... and is Jesus in the back seat? Or is Jesus driving? I have totally pushed God to the back seat. It is high time that I start owning up to that hidden darkness inside of me, for only then can God heal me.

4. I have been thinking a lot about ministry and my role in it. Last year, I felt God calling me to ministry distinctly, and this year I'm on that path, but I've heard no discernible messages from God on the matter. Part of it is that my quiet time with God has decreased to little or none. Thus, it might be that God is screaming for me to hear Him, and I'm covering my ears with headphones on with a pillow over my head, and then I'm like, "God, why are You not answering me??" Plus, based on my Jubilee Fellows class, I am less and less sure if being a pastor is what I really want to do. Pastoring is a very holistic, spontaneous, leadership-driven role involving business stuff and a potpourri of other mundane tasks. Besides, it's a very character-driven career. Our prof on Tuesday said that there's nothing worse to the church than a hypocritical pastor, which is so true. Hypocrisy can wound the church so much. People hate more than anything people who preach one thing and do another. Thus, if a minister preaches love and grace, they'd best show it in their lives. My character is not so good. I am anxious, I am sinful in all areas of life, I am selfish.... and the list goes on (and on and on and on). Pastors have repeatedly written along the lines of, "Don't be a pastor unless you absolutely can't do anything else." I am not so convinced that's the right path for me. Here are some issues....

-I don't have a denomination, so ordination will be difficult... if I even want to be ordained... but if I didn't and got a Master's of Divnity, where would I even work????

-I am not a people person that much. I am super awkward. I am better at teaching, helping, and writing. I am not like a holistic "shepherd" pastor prototype, nor do I have exemplary leadership qualities. I recently took a spiritual gift test and scored high in teaching (perfect score) and mercy. Maybe what I'm thinking is more that I don't want to be a senior pastor (a teaching pastor position would be much more fruitful for me).

-I just don't think I have the character it takes to be a pastor. I am not a good enough person. And I don't want to turn people off to Christ because of my hypocrisy.

-I am not even involved in a church right now, and spiritual growth is so hard by myself. I don't think that's an appropriate place for a future-pastor to be in.

-Pastors need to have answers and be committed. I have almost wet feet when it comes to churches and denominational commitment. Plus, I have so many more questions than answers as I learn more (the irony of knowledge). So I don't know, I'm just confused.

-The problem is, what IS my calling? I don't feel compelled to do psych grad work, nor do I feel compelled to do theology grad work. I do like the more holistic approach of combining theology and psychology, but I don't know where in that umbrella I fit.

So, that's a chunk of my mind as of late.

A prayer in honor of archbishop Oscar Romero

2009-04-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.

The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Amen.

Meditation on Easter

2009-04-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Easter, the culmination of the Christian year. I found myself in church, in chapel, hearing those familiar words once again. Palm Sunday. The Last Supper. Peter denies Jesus. Jesus' suffering and crucifixion. The Resurrection. At the Good Friday service I attended, we saw a portion of Passion of the Christ (the most violent part, at that). On Sunday we chanted, "Hallelujah! The Lord has risen indeed." I heard those familiar Bible stories... once again.

I have tried to connect spiritually lately, but it's like I am a deflated balloon, unenthusiastic and jaded. Even the Crucifixion and Resurrection seemed a little glib this year. I have attempted to memorize verses, read the Bible more, and pray, but there is just something holding me back. It is as if there is a veil over my eyes, and I just can't see clearly. I have been numb, and all the pinching in the world hasn't even punctured a nerve.

I went to the awesome Kensington Community Church Easter service on Saturday, and it was very well-done. It focused on why the Resurrection is important in daily life. It reminded me of 1 Corinthians 15:17- 19:

And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.

Basically, if the Resurrection is false, we can all go home. That really hit me, because it is so easy to go through the motions and lose sight of what's important. When at liturgical churches, I often seem to drift off into oblivion, and before you know it, I'm counting down the prayers until I get to go home. Case in point: during the Easter service at my traditional home church, it was so long that we sang the final hymn, "The Strife is O'er" with marked enthusiasm... and not with holy motives.

I got to thinking about all the traditional doctrine I affirm. Growing up, I said the Nicene Creed every week. EVERY WEEK!!! I also heard the Eucharist story... EVERY WEEK!!! Of. My. Life. Every. Week. I pretty much memorized the service by age 8. I could recite the Lord's Prayer in my sleep by 12, practically.

But, as I sat in church, at age 21, numb and desensitized, what did I really know? Sure, I know the facts, but what does that really MEAN? I acknowledge God's love, sacrifice, and grace. I acknowledge God's goodness. I acknowledge Christ's death and ascension. But do I?

On the surface, as I mumble the words of the Nicene Creed, it would appear that I do believe it... at least in my mind. What about my heart? Do I live as if the Resurrection is true? Do I live in response to God's grace and love? Do I follow Jesus? Do I love God with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength? Do I believe in Easter? Do I believe the tomb is empty?

I want to say yes. I intellectually and spiritually affirm Christ's actual Resurrection, and I believe that Christians one day, too, will be resurrected. I believe in God's grace and love. If you look at my life, however, I am acting more like a Hebrew slave than a redeemed sinner. I have become jaded and cynical. There is so much talk in the Christian world about "Christ redeeming your life" and "God using broken vessels to do incredible things" (kind of the point of the Kensington sermon). That's where the cynicism sets in.

Glimpses of the Prosperity Gospel make me scowl. The promise is this, "If you love/ pray to/ serve God enough, He will make you rich/ famous/ cured." There are so many stories of people who have been in these dark, dark times and now they're completely cured, and their life is great now, all because of God. That makes me mad. It's like, "Why did God choose to heal them? Why is their life easy and not mine?" The "happy Christian" mentality on Calvin's campus is also annoying. So apparently when you're a Christian you're supposed to be happy all the time? What's the deal?

I admit, I've gotten sucked into that. I rarely reveal intimate, personal details of my life to others. I stuff it all in and see my happy, go-lucky assertions struck down with bullets and pretend it isn't happening. That stuff takes a toll on your heart. I am so tired of pretending. I am so tired of people offering advice that doesn't help. I am so tired of hearing answers.

I have so many questions-- spiritual, academic, emotional-- and my life has taught me this so far: there are no easy answers. People who come up with reductionist responses to my angst just sicken me. It makes me cynical of any answers at all. How can I know what the answers are if I can't even properly word the question? How can I believe certain things when my life portrays them so differently?

I am so tired of going, going, going, seeking, seeking, seeking... seeking help, seeking treatment, seeking theological consensus, seeking a church community, seeking God's discernment, seeking my vocation. I am weary, frustrated, discouraged. I feel lonely much of the time. I have difficulty feeling close to God. I feel like an alienated and isolated Christian.

Most of all, I feel helpless, having tried pretty much every feasible antidepressant with no consistent success. There is nothing left by means of treatment. The traditional OCD therapy doesn't really help me, nor does traditional eating disorder therapy. Neither condition can fully explain me nor help treat me. I have been born 50 years too early. Soon I'm sure they'll know what's going on with people like me, but now, I am at the mercy of neuroscientists. Fabulous.

So, there's pretty much no hope for miraculous recovery. Maybe I can function in human society semi-normally, but there is not much else to be done. I've idealized "recovery" for a long time, thinking my life will finally start when I'm "healthy" and "stable." Now, I'm coming to the realization that my "recovery" will never come. Science has no more ways of help. Does that mean my life will never "begin?" I've had this facade that when I am healthy and beautiful, Mr. Right will come along and we will live happily ever after. After much disappointment, it's hard to think that a man could ever really love me in that way. I mean, why would he? I know this is theologically wrong, but this is what my heart says: if God can't even make me better than damaged goods, why can I count on Him to guide my life?

I heard a podcast today on surrendering to God. I react to that idea with bitter laughter. God can't be trusted, I think automatically. He's messed up too many times before. My life sucks-- I am lonely, alienated, self-consuming, bitter, and worn out. How can I let God just make it worse? Again, I know that's wrong, but that's my implicit theology. From the veneer surface, I am a selfless, committed, nice, happy Christian, but inside, I am stewing, bitter, sad, depressed, and helpless. I am hurting, and all of the denial and anger has caused a numb exterior. Now I'm just a "happy Christian" programmed for nice, happy things, but in the process, I have lost my ability to feel.

It has made me question my call to ministry lately. Why should I be entrusted with the spiritual care of others when I can't even figure out my own joke? How could I be a therapist when I'd end up jealous of their success? How can I give answers when I have nothing but questions? And should I even have answers? I've tried reaching out to God, but I am the equivalent of a spiritual mummy. There's something alive in there, somewhere, but it's hibernating. Or hiding.

Back to Easter. The Resurrection. When I sing those triumphant songs, I want to believe that Resurrection is real... for everyone, not just for Jesus and a few others He loves a lot. I want God to cleanse and heal me. I want God to save me. I desire Him. As much as I struggle to get out of God's palm, I believe He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. There is nothing else to turn to. God alone is redemption.

I can sympathize with Good Friday, with Jesus' prayer at Gethsemane, with Peter's denial. I can sympathize with the pain. But Good Friday is not the end of the story... it is the beginning. When will I start living like the tomb is empty? How do I? What does it mean that I've been redeemed? What does it mean to be freed from the law?

For a Christian who celebrates Easter, I find it ironic that as Jesus takes His seat on the throne, and "It is finished," I continue running around like a headless chicken, trying to find meaning somewhere, anywhere... when I know exactly Who salvation is.

A lovely passage from Philip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace

2009-04-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

A few times at my church I preached the sermon, then assisted in the ceremony of communion. "I don't partake because I'm a good Catholic, holy and pious and sleek" writes Nancy Mairs about the Eucharist. "I partake because I'm a bad Catholic, riddled by doubt and anxiety and anger; fainting from server hypoglycemia of the soul." After delivering the sermon, I helped nourish famished souls.

Those who desired to partake would come to the front, stand quietly in a semicircle, and wait for us to bring them the elements. "The body of Christ broken for you," I would say as I held out a loaf of bread forthe person before me to break off. "The blood of Christ shed for you," the pastor behind me would say, holding out a common cup.

Because my wife worked for the church, and because I taught a class there for many years, I knew the stories of some of the people standing before me. I knew that Mabel, the woman with strawy hair and bent posture who came to the senior citizens center, had been a prostitute. My wife worked with her for seven years before Mabel confessed the dark secret buried deep within. Fifty years ago she had sold her only child, a daughter. Her family had rejected her long before, the pregnancy had eliminated her source of income, and she knew she would make a terrible mother, and so she sold the baby to a couple in Michigan. She could never forgive herself, she said. Now she was standing at the communion rail, spots of rouge like paper discs pasted on her cheeks, her hands outstretched, waiting to receive the gift of grace. "The body of Christ broken for you, Mabel…."

Beside Mabel were Gus and Mildred, star players in the only wedding ceremony ever performed among the church's seniors. They lost $150 per month in Social Security benefits by marrying rather than living together, but Gus insisted. He said Mildred was the light of his life,and he didn't care if he lived in poverty as long as he lived it with her at his side. "The blood of Christ shed for you, Gus and you, Mildred.…"

Next came Adolphus, an angry young black man whose worst fears about the human race had been confirmed in Vietnam. Adolphus scared people away from our church. Once, in a class I was teaching on the book of Joshua, Adolphus raised his hand and pronounced, "I wish I had an M-16 rifle right now. I would kill all you white honkeys in this room." An elder in the church who was a doctor took him aside afterwards and talked to him, insisting that he take his medication before services on Sunday. The church put up with Adolphus because we knew he came not merely out of anger but out of hunger. If he missed the bus, and no one had offered him a ride, sometimes he walked five miles to get to church. "The body of Christ broken for you, Adolphus…."

I smiled at Christina and Reiner, an elegant German couple employed bythe University of Chicago. Both were Ph.D.s, and they came from the same Pietist community in southern Germany. They had told us about the worldwide impact of the Moravian movement, which still influenced their church back home, but right now they were struggling with the very message they held dear. Their son had just left on a mission trip to India. He planned to live for a year in the worst slum in Calcutta. Christina and Reiner had always honored such personal sacrifice-but now that it was their son, everything looked different. They feared for his health and safety. Christina held her face in her hands, and tears dribbled through her fingers. "The blood of Christ shed for you, Christina, and you, Reiner…."

Then came Sarah, a turban covering her bare head, scarred from where doctors had removed a brain tumor. And Michael, who stuttered so badly he would physically cringe whenever anyone addressed him. And Maria, the wild and overweight Italian woman who had just married for the fourth time. "Thees one will be deeferent, I just know."

"The body of Christ…the blood of Christ.…" What could we offer such people other than grace, on tap? What better can the church ever offer that "means of grace"? Grace here, among these shattered families and half-coping individuals? Yes, here. Maybe the upstairs church was not so different from the downstairs AA group after all.

A Christian gym?

2009-04-08T05:27:00.001-07:00

I was absolutely horrified to read this article for my Aerobic Cross Training class: http://www.shelbystar.com/articles/fitness_21122___video.html/gym_christian.html

Here is my response (although I could say much, much more):

2. Should Christians work out together, secluded from non-Christians in their own gym?

Absolutely not!!!! This is a perfect example of Christians creating their own cultural bubble, secluded from the rest of the world. The article discusses the research that "people like to exercise with people who are like themselves." Thus, the main argument for a Christian gym comes from a market niche and consumer demand? What about constructing a gym based on what God would have to say? Jesus didn't exclusively spend time with His disciples and other religious people, and His last words to us were that we should "go out and make disciples of all nations." How to an exclusive Christian bubble help Christians love their neighbors as themselves or fulfill the Great Commission? There is a tendency for Christians to resign into an alternate culture, guarded from the "corrupting" influences of secularism. Yet, this is so clearly against Jesus' vision for His followers. Christians should work, live, and yes, work out, with non-Christians.

3. Do you think this type of facility a good expression of the link between faith and fitness or an exploitation of it for the sake of making money?

This article absolutely incensed me because it stamps a Christian label on a blatant marketing scheme. It is so easy to proof-text and read into a few Bible verses and contort them to say whatever you want them to say. I don't have a problem with Philippians 4:13. I don't have a problem with Christians working out. I don't have a problem with Christian community. What I do have a problem with is the completely obscene exploitation of Christianity evident in this "Christian" fitness center. Christ never mandated us to "work out with one another," and to read that into the Bible is misguided and wrong. Sure, Christians should honor God with their bodies, and fitness is an important component of that, but is that the centrality of the Christian message? Is that what we as Christians should be about? It's not enough to find Bible verses and exploit them to justify a consumer scheme. We must be about the totality of the Gospel, not merely parts that we find convenient... and happen to produce a little money on the side. This gym degrades the Church and Christianity, and it should shame those who call themselves Christ-followers.