Fasting Girls

There are certain things that make me feel alive. I have gotten a sense of that after a huge freak out over moving to California. The panic set in after meeting with my therapist, who is like the best therapist EVER-- and that's speaking as someone who chronically discards therapists, even specialists, for not helping me. I was like, WHAT AM I DOING!!??!! And thus started the panic. I am a creature of habit, so regardless of my less than ideal living situation right now, I would rather stay and be comfortable than move and be put in new situations. Right now, I am healthy and doing very well-- I have the best dietician and therapist I could ever ask for. And at least I KNOW people here! So it makes me wonder WHY I am moving across the country where nothing is guaranteed. I am not guaranteed friends, or a good therapist. It is not guaranteed that I will like Fuller, that I will finish my program, etc. I guess technically God doesn't guarantee us anything past today, but going to California just seems riskier.

I went through my other options in life-- what could I do besides grad school? Well, I could try to get into law school... except I've never had an interest in law. I could try to teach K-12... but I don't know if K-12 is the best age range for me. I could just try to get a job somewhere in the field of psychology... except I can't do anything with a bachelor's! I do NOT want to work as a pastor or youth pastor.

That pretty much leaves me with going back to school for psychology or theology... which is what I started with. I think what has freaked me out the most is that Fuller will be a typical secular psychology program-- with the emphasis on empirical data and research, when I am more interested in integration. I went through Fuller's clinical faculty, one by one, and was relieved to find most of them doing some type of integration research. Most of them have theology and psychology degrees. And they have integration opportunities abroad, which I'm really interested in.

If there is a school that is great at integration, it is Fuller (and Rosemead, which I regret I didn't apply to....). I thought anew of what I am really interested in-- what would I like to write my dissertation about?

I am most interested in theology and psychology as they relate to one another-- how Christians view psychology, how sermons use semi-psychology, mental illness in the history of the church, etc. I am re-reading a book that energizes me-- it is EXACTLY what I want to study. The book is called Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa. It describes medieval "anorexic" saints, although this book is much better than Rudolph Bell's reductionist novel on the same subject, Holy Anorexia. I am very interested in this topic.

I am also interested in narratives of mental illness, and Fasting Girls describes several narratives about anorexia that were written in the 1980's. These books have a lot in common-

"In the typical anorexia story, psychiatrists and psychologists are portrayed as benign and compassionate figures whose only offense is that they ask a lot of questions... They emphasize family tensions and the adolescent girl's confused desire for autonomy and control, but they do not advance any particular interpretation of the cause or etiology of the disease. The plot almost always involves an attractive (usually 5 feet 5 inches), intelligent high school girl from a successful dual-career family. The mother is apt to be a fashion designer, artist, actress, or writer; the father is a professional or self-made man...

"Naturally enough, the protagonist becomes interested in reducing her weight. Like virtually all American girls, she wishes to be slim because in American society slim is definitely a good thing for a female to be... In each of the anorexia stories, for a number of different reasons all of which have to do with the difficulties of adolescence, ordinary dieting becomes transformed into a pattern of bizarre food and eating behavior that dominates the life of the central character...

"In all of the fiction, girlhood anorexia curtails friendships and makes both parents extraordinarily tense, unhappy, and solicitous. Because the main characters are depicted as still in high school and living at home, mothers are central to the story. The fictive anorectic both dislikes and loves her mother and feels perpetually guilty about hurting and deceiving her...

"Even thought all of the novels move the story to the critical point of therapeutic intervention, few provide any valid information about the physical and emotional discomfort that lies ahead... With only one exception, none of the fictional anorectics die."

I read that and realized the truth of it-- most anorexia stories do involve most, if not all, of those elements. If I want to write a story on eating disorders, I don't want it to be formulaic. I want it to be REAL. I think Marya Hornbacher has done it best with Wasted.

I think narratives of mental illness are imperative for people to understand what it's really like. I want to write something that makes people think and feel deeply-- to see eating disorders in a light they've never seen before. I want them to be uncomfortable. And to get my audience to feel that way, I can't use the same old plot lines.

I know basically what I want to do, but I just don't know what the best program will be to do it. If it means that down the road, I end up switching to Fuller's School of Theology, I will be okay with that. I trust, however, that Fuller will be a great place for me to start.