Memories and Songs

Do you ever try to conceptualize something and it doesn't work? Memories for example... what are they really? Think about it... something happened in the past and it is not happening anymore and you "remember" it. But then cognitive psychologists will tell you that memories aren't even necessarily accurate. And then you get older and can hardly remember anything. Or have you been so convinced that something happened but somebody else remembers it differently?

Memories are really just constructions, partly true... but partly untrue. A lot of what we remember is our cognitive appraisal of the situation, rather than raw facts.

Memories are so strange. They come up in the most random situations. It can just be a similar place or person or situation, and then your mind goes back.... I've also had strange deja-vu sometimes, and that totally weirds me out.

I just can't get over the fact that something has happened and it's in the past and you can never go back to that time again. It's incapsulated in your fragile brain, but who's to say it even happened in the first place?

Places where memories have taken place change... going back to my old elementary school was odd. The school is totally renovated now, it is different from when I went there. But I can remember so clearly what happened while I attended there... but the evidence is gone. Different, much younger, children roam the classrooms. The playground equipment is updated. The memories which dotted those years are solely in the confines of my mind.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy, that I think of these things so much. The utter absurdity of the concept "memory" spins me into confusion. Maybe that's why people with overactive brains can often be crazy. You almost can't think too hard to cope with the absurdity of life.

One strange memory association I have is with songs. When I hear certain songs, I am transplanted back into a specific time and place. I am feeling things again, thinking things again.

Here are some songs that totally send me back-

Mr. Tambourine Man, The Byrds-

I think of this song associated with a book I read in elementary school. I don't remember much information about the book. All I can recall is that it took place in the 1960's, and it was a coming-age tale of two girls. They really liked this song. Over the course of a year, the two main characters' friendship changed drastically. At the end of the book, the protagonist listened to this song and thought of how things had changed. Predictable preteen book.

But this book really hit me emotionally... it made me randomly nostalgic for the 60's. I wondered how old these two girls would be now. I mourned the changes that had taken place of the last year in their lives. I mourned the passing of their childhood. I became emotional that these girls were growing up, that they were changing, that things would never be the same again.

Drops of Jupitor, Train-

I hear this song and I am back in 7th grade, eating Easy Mac after school and watching MTV's TRL. I am lonely, restless, existential, miserable. I think of 7th grade homeroom, in which I had no friends. I secretly eavesdropped on some cool people who sat next to me. They were always planning these amazing parties... while I sat home and cried tears of loneliness. I think of misery and preteen angst. I think of my transition into my teen years. I had all this energy, these desires, these strong feelings. I was discovering the world of MTV, the world of friends, the world of middle school cliques.

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol-

When I hear this song, I am transplanted back to Rogers. I envision the outside of the Adult Center, where I stayed. I envision the "OCD van," which is how we left for off-campus. I think of all the hope that went along with that program. I also think of my freshman year of college, walking back and forth from Mary Markley Hall. There is hope in the air-- I was joining a sorority, I had a new beginning, 4 years of unwritten script. This song reminds me of fresh hope, the excitement of my first semester at U of M. It reminds me of my desire to fall in love, my desire to do something of substance, of purpose, my desire to make lasting relationships.

Halo, Beyonce-

It is raining, and I am on my way to my Jubilee Fellows retreat in Holland, Michigan (August of last year). I have had an amazing summer, but back with my 10 Fellows from Calvin, I grew immediately cynical. 2 have gotten married over the summer, 1 is engaged, and everyone else is in the relationship (1 year later, most of the others are engaged, too). I wonder what is wrong with me, why no man doesn't seem to be able to love me. The rain washes down, and I am smoldered with loneliness and despair. I am hungry, so hungry. I need some more coffee to drown out the gnawing of my stomach. I walk through the rain, hopeless, lonely, angry, frustrated... with God and with Calvin. I am tired of pretending. I desperately need God to intervene on my behalf. I need help.

Eet, Regina Spektor

It is October 2009... around 4 days before I am admitted to Remuda. I have just gotten the news: I am being forced to withdraw from Calvin. I know this... but none of my peers do... yet. I am at the dress rehearsal for dance guild. I am wearing my flowy purple dress. I keep calling my parents to tell them about Remuda, pick up plans, etc. I think of sitting in the audience with Alisha, savoring those last moments with her. I am trying to pretend everything's okay, that I won't be leaving so soon. This song reminds me the hope of wanting to get help, being so relieved that I will be gone in a few days. I am overwhelmed-- excited to get better but sad that this is the-- sudden-- end of my college career. I wonder the next time I will see Alisha, my closest friend at Calvin. I want to cry, I want to say a million things, I want to get better... I want.