How can people change if they don't want to?

Converts to a cause often become zealots for the peace/ joy they have found. I experienced this after my religious conversion in middle school. It makes sense... I learned at Spring Hill camp that Jesus was the only way, and He was THE answer humanity was looking for. In an untrained fashion, I tried to convince others of my viewpoint.

I learned later that religious arguments rarely work. Who was I to change people's hearts? I am convinced that the only way people can believe in Jesus is through the Holy Spirit's work in their lives. No 8th grade intellectual argument can do that.

Lately, however, I've been having a similar problem... only with recovery issues. When I'm psychologically healthy, I notice others' psychological states as well. Coming home with my recovery mantras, I notice when other people tend toward addictive behaviors. And of course, I am right their to diagnose their problems. My family is like a psychological case study, so I have abundant material to work with!

Unfortunately, people get stubborn and in denial. And I'm like, "Look, here's this article! I'm right! You should address this problem!" More often than not, they don't want to. It frustrates me. There is a realm of health, and when someone is evidently outside that realm and doesn't think it's an issue, I grow upset. I want them to see what I see! I want them to cope with their emotions. I want to yell at them, "GUESS WHAT, YOUR LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE BETTER IF YOU USE INEFFECTIVE BEHAVIORS." Ineffective behaviors merely mask the problem. Maladaptive coping is a form of avoidance- it's way easier not to think about pain and loneliness and instead take a drink. It feels better... in the short term.

At Remuda, everyone wanted to change. Everyone was malleable-- life was not working out for them. If what they were doing led to inpatient treatment, maybe a change might be good. People wanted to re-evaluate their lives. AA is a similar atmosphere. Addicts are bruised with bad memories and pain from sometimes years of behaviors. They have recognized that they are POWERLESS over their condition, that they need help from their Higher Power (Step 1). Those in recovery are humble. They seek new beginnings. They know that life in recovery has got to be better than the hellish existence they had prior to sobriety.

People who haven't hit rock bottom, however, are not compelled to change. Why should they? Their behaviors are working for them. Maybe their lives are disrupted, but hey, they can cope in this marginalized format. They have their friends and family members... to an extent. Work might be going... okay. And they have their addictive behavior, whatever it is! The behavior (or behaviorS) that serve as a coping mechanism for something... perhaps biological, emotional, physical, psychological, or a combination. That behavior helps them get through the day.

Plus, is it REALLY so bad? Maybe alcohol/ pill use/ eating habits/ collecting/ whatever is a little excessive... but who is it hurting? It's not as bad as it could get... no police are barking down the door. No spouses are threatening to leave. Let's just keep the status quo.

DENIAL is so pervasive. Heck, everyone has it about some things. I've had it. If I don't want to admit something about my life, if I want to keep it a secret, what happens when someone brings it up? I get totally defensive, my first instinct. There have been periods of my life when I am in total denial. It is like I've been brainwashed to think that what I'm doing is not a big deal. Then my eyes are somehow opened-- and it's like, "Wow, I can't believe I've thought this was normal."

With denial, the eyes of the addict are shrouded. To an outsider looking in, it is SO SO frustrating! Especially if you care about this person! You don't want them to keep living this way.

An addiction is absurd to everyone except the addict. The addict reaps whatever benefits come from the behavior, while outsiders look in pain as the addict destroys his/ her life in the process. The addiction hurts others, but most of all, it hurts the addict. It takes a lot to get them to see that, however.

Here is the issue: how can a person recently in recovery look upon someone in full-fledged addictive behaviors and be okay with that? I have been there, I have been in the constant routine of ineffective behaviors. I know what it's like! And I love my family enough that I don't want them to be there too!

To use an example farther from home, I recently watched an Intervention show on two addicts whose families were gathering to do an intervention on their loved ones. One was a college-aged boy who lived on the streets addicted to alcohol. Another was a man addicted to pills. They were both in complete denial.

The intervention happened... and both addicts walked out! They were being offered FREE treatment, and their families were all begging for them to get help, and they didn't want it. They simply didn't see their behavior as a problem. Everyone else did, but they didn't... or they just didn't care.

It's frustrating because you can't make people want to get help. Not even a TV show with trained specialists can convince someone to get help. If they don't think they have a problem, they won't get help.

My grandpa recently told me that diagnosing the problem is only 5% of the problem... the other 95% is convincing the other person that they should get help for that problem, or that they should care about that diagnosis. That is so true, unfortunately. People get set in their ways, and they don't want input from others.

Whether it's a mild problem or a debilitating problem that threatens life, people still veer toward defensiveness. Going into psychology, I'm sure I will see my share of people who are forced into treatment, people who don't want help. I might watch them leave unchanged or die. I will have to be okay with that. I will have to somehow learn that it is not my job to make people want to change. It is their own job. If I can't convince them, I will have to leave it to God. That is hard.